<USS Banshee> "Tidal Wave"
- From: "Sarah Stewart" <cyanahkaelyre@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <ussbanshee@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 6 Feb 2003 18:18:47 -0800
This log takes place right after the shouting match, er, racquetball
game between Josh and Sara.
"Tidal Wave"
by Lieutenant Sara Crusher
and Lieutenant JG Cyanah Kaelyre
Sara stood under the sonic shower for a long time after returning to her
quarters. She was so mad at herself for allowing things to get so far
out of hand. She had let him push her buttons and that was just dumb.
The worst part, however, was letting herself get upset in the first
place. She trusted Cyanah. She knew that nothing was going to take away
what they have, but she was still scared. Sara walked around her
quarters in her robe, her hand still hovering above the large black and
blue bruise the raquetball had left on her side.
The doorchime rang. Cyanah stood outside with a worried look on her
face, having sensed Sara's anger and then her pain from the racquetball.
She had stayed away at first, knowing that Sara wouldn't want her to
come running at every negative emotion, but this time her concern won
the day. So she waited for Sara to answer her door and silently hoped
that all was well.
"Come in!" Sara shouted from the bedroom. She quickly finished putting
on her jeans and smiled when she heard the whoosh of the doors. Grabbing
the white button up blouse from the end of her bed, she started to
button it as she stepped out onto the living room. Cyanah was standing
by the door smiling at her, which made Sara's smile even warmer. "I was
hoping to see you tonight." She walked over to Cyanah and kissed her
softly. That's when she noticed to concerned expression. "What's wrong?"
"Nothing... well," Cyanah paused, looking at Sara. "You didn't have to
get dressed on my account, you know!"
"I know." Sara smiled playfully. "But it'll more fun later." Sara knew
there was wrong. She took Cyanah by the hand and lead her to the couch.
"Sweetie, something's wrong? I can sense..." Sara paused in
mid-sentence. "Is it me?"
"I just felt you... earlier. Lots of anger, then pain. I was worried..."
Cyanah took Sara's hand and looked down. "But I didn't want to stifle
you every time you felt something negative... I mean, you could have
just stubbed your toe and been swearing about it!"
Sara smiled as she thought about it. It wasn't her toe but there was a
lot of swearing going on. Then she suddenly winced as if she were in
pain. "I'm sorry." Sara stood and walked to the end of the couch. She
hadn't meant for Cyanah to feel any of that. "I must have freaked you
out? I over reacted to something."
"Need to talk about it, love?"
She wanted to but Sara was unsure how. She could just tell Cyanah about
Josh and the fight she they had, but none of that really mattered. Josh
was a two bit punk and not worth the air he breathed. She worried about
how Cyanah would take it if she said that what happened in sick bay
bothered her.
She didn't want to seem childish and petty. "How did your meeting go
with the Captain?" she asked,hoping to change the subject. She lifted
her arm to rub the back of her neck with out thinking and her blouse
rose up a little. It was just enough to allow Cyanah to see the bruise.
"It went - " Cyanah began, but then caught sight of the bruise. "Sara!
What happened?" she asked, her voice dripping concern as she raised
Sara's blouse to get a good look at the bruise.
"It's nothing, Cy. I hit the ball too hard and it came back and hit me."
She looked down at the bruise. It looked about as well as it felt.
"That looks painful... do you have a medkit in here? I learned enough in
first aid class at the Academy to fix this for you."
"In the bedroom. There's one in my closet." Cyanah nodded and then took
Sara by the hand. She then sat Sara on the bed and went to look for the
medkit. Sara watched her and suddenly felt awful. "Cyanah. I think I owe
you an apology." Sara looked down at her hands for a second and then
felt Cy lifting up her shirt again.
"I over reacted to what happened in sick bay then I went to the racket
ball courts and let Josh push my buttons." She sighed a little. "That's
what you were feeling. I didn't want to say anything because... well, I
was afraid to."
Cyanah ran the tissue mitigator over Sara's bruise like she was taught
and watched it disappear. "Sara... you had no reason to be afraid. I
want you to know that you can tell me anything, anything at all." The
bruise was gone so she took Sara's hand. "Alright?"
"But there is a reason to be afraid." Sara whispered. "I don't want to
lose you."
"Sara... why would you think you'd lose me? I love you." She sat next to
Sara on the bed and wrapped her arm around Sara's waist, pulling her
close.
Sara had stopped trying to find ways to hide it. Morrigan had been her
biggest fear for a long time for more then one reason. She was just
never sure how to bring it up. "She's so much stronger then me, Cy.
She's older and more mature. She'd ever need any one to help bail her
out of a mess like you had to for me today."
Cyanah took a long look at Sara, gauging her feelings both through their
bond and her body language. "Of course she's older and more mature,
Sara... that's nothing you can help. But even though I've lived longer
than both of you put together, I'm still roughly equivalent to your age,
so she's 'older' in my perspective, too."
Cyanah took a moment to gather her thoughts on the matter and continued,
"Obviously, I'm attracted to both of you, but I don't think her age is a
factor... and to be honest, I still marvel at how mature you both are
for your age, though I'm applying Delosian standards, which, are
admittedly rather ingrained and difficult to see past. But, like I said,
I'm attracted to both of you, even though I'm far closer to you,
Imzadi... that's no fault of hers, of course. She is, after all, the
Captain and a busy woman, so I've had little time with her while you've
been a major part of my life for a good while now."
Wrapping her other arm around Sara's back and pulling her into a hug,
she added, "Besides, no matter what happens between Morrigan and I, it
can't take away what we have, Sara. I'll always be your Imzadi."
"I know you love me, Cy. I know that our Imzadi bond will always be
there no matter what happens to us down the road." Sara paused and
pulled out of the hug. She fidgeted with the hem of her shirt as she
tried to find the words to express the rest of it, unsure how to explain
that it wasn't only the thought of losing her that scared her. She would
never tell Cyanah that she also feared that she wasn't good enough for
her.
She also didn't know how to explain how she felt about Morrigan because
she wasn't sure herself. Was it straight out fear of the woman or the
fear of letting her down? She stood up and walked over to the window and
took a deep breath that shuddered a bit. "I feel so stupid... It's
nothing... I shouldn't have even brought it up," she said trying to back
out of the conversation.
"No, Sara, if you felt strongly enough about it to bring it up, then you
obviously think it's a valid concern. So, please, tell me more of what
you're feeling; you'll feel better once you do." She remained seated on
the bed, aware that Sara wanted a little space after pulling out of the
hug.
Sara stared out of the window. "I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I don't
know if I'm mad, hurt, scared, or if it's just guilt." She sighed again
as she looked at her refection in the window.
"Share your emotions with me, then. You don't have to try to find the
words."
It only took Sara a few seconds to decide to do as Cyanah had asked. She
moved back to the bed and sat down. After taking Cyanah's hand, Sara
closed her eyes and lowered the shielding she had put up around her
emotions. Slowly she allowed Cyanah to feel what she was feeling.
The fear of losing her. The confusion over Morrigan. The guilt of
keeping secrets. The love she felt for her. The desire to please the
people she cared about, including Cy and Morrigan. After a few minutes
she opened her eyes but she didn't take her hand back.
Complete understanding of Sara's perspective hit Cyanah like a tidal
wave enveloping a city. Her eyes opened, not just physically, but
metaphorically as well, seeing both Sara's beautiful face before her and
a new perspective on who Sara really was. Cyanah was profoundly grateful
in that moment for the ability to completely see her lover's view,
something that most couples can never accomplish. "I understand fully,
Sara. Thank you."
Sara couldn't help but laugh a little. "I'm glad one of us does."
"Sara... you don't really need to try so hard, you know. It's old
advice, but just be yourself. I love you and you're not going to lose me
by being who you are, because I know you're a wonderful person," she
said, punctuating the compliment with a squeeze of Sara's hand. "The
Captain is understandably stressed in her current situation, but she's
also looking to you to give her freedom back to her, and doesn't want
anyone else to do the job because she trusts you. It's almost like you
keep trying to make a first impression... that's done and you made a
good one. Now relax a little and just be you!" She smiled, hoping to
help relax her lover.
Cy had a point. She was trying too hard. Sara looked at Cy and started
to feel better about most of what she was feeling so she did relax a
little. "I don't know why I needed to hear you say that, but I did." She
smiled at Cy and moved closer to her. "And you're right about almost
everything." Sara hadn't bothered to replace her shielding which meant
that Cyanah could feel her emotions leveling off. It also meant she
could still feel the lingering guilt that Sara had been tucking away
from her for weeks.
"And stop feeling guilty," Cyanah added with a grin. "I can feel it."
"Huh?" Sara was caught off guard by Cyanah's comment. "Oh that." She
half chuckled and half sighed, debating whether or not to explain, since
this was one emotion she knew why she felt. "I can't stop feeling
guilty, Cyanah." She paused a moment and looked into Cy's. "There's no
sense in hiding it from you any more since you know the emotion is
there, but if you wanna know you can't tell anyone what I'm going to
tell you. Alright?"
"Of course, Sara. I hold all of our personal conversations to be
strictly private."
Sara blushed a little and fought the urge to smack herself in head and
say duh. She took a deep breath. "You said the Captain trusted me... she
shouldn't." She shifted uneasily. "J'van asked me to keep something from
her and I have been. That's what's been bothering me the most. The fact
that I didn't tell her she had - " Sara stopped. She hadn't even said
the words since she told J'van that night in sick bay. Her eyes
glistened from unshed tears and Sara fought to keep them that way. "The
Captain had a miscarriage, Cy."
Cyanah blinked in surprise. "Well, um, yeah... that's um... wow. Yeah."
Sara winced as she watched Cyanah's reaction. She hadn't thought ahead
about how Cyanah would react to the bomb she had just dropped. Morrigan
was someone she cared about and hearing something like this must have
sent her for a loop. Watching the expression on Cy's face she knew it
had knocked her for a loop. "Cy? Are you ok?" She moved again so that
now she was sitting right next to her.
"Damn it. I went overboard with the true confessions thing... It's just
you said I could tell you anything and I really needed to get that out
and your the only person I trust." Sara was babbling hoping that
something she was saying was helping.
"No, no... it's alright, Sara. You really can tell me anything. I was
just caught off guard, that's all."
"I'm sorry." Was the only thing Sara could think of saying. "For a lot
of stuff." She added in a whisper.
"You don't owe me an apology, Sara...I just don't know what to tell you.
That's a tough situation."
Sara nodded then looked away from Cy. "There's really nothing I can do,
Cy. I told J'van I wouldn't say anything and he told me that he would
tell her when she was stronger. But it doesn't make me feel any less
awful about it."
"I know, Sara. But the Captain is dealing with a lot right now... so
perhaps waiting to tell her this when she would have time to properly
cope with it is best... think about it. She's confined to a hoverchair
and being confined. The last thing she needs is to grieve for a child."
Again Sara simply nodded. "I know. That's what I keep telling myself."
Sara was feeling better. "I guess I just needed to tell someone. I
needed to know it was OK." After taking a minute to allow the last hour
or so to sink in Sara looked at Cy and smiled. "Thank you."
"You're welcome. I'll always listen to your troubles... or in this case,
feel them." Cyanah caressed Sara's cheek. "It's good to see a smile on
your face again."
Sara's smile seemed to brighten from Cyanah's touch. She reached up and
took Cyanah's hand in her own. "Ya know... I'm stating to think I can be
more trouble then I'm worth." Both women laughed as she wrapped her arms
around Cyanah. "Have I told you lately how much I love you?"
"No need," Cyanah replied, snuggling into the embrace to rest her head
on Sara's chest. "I can still feel everything that you can, so I know."
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