<USS Banshee> "Infinite Reflections"
- From: "Brad Ruder" <GroundZero@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: ussbanshee@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Fri, 8 Nov 2002 16:29:59 -0800
?Infinite Reflections?
by Lieutenant
Joshua Asper Waves crashed upon the shore as
the swells grew higher and higher into the sky. The water was the
crystal blue color that you see in stained glass, and the white caps
that formed at the pinnacle of the wave appeared to be the foam of a
boiling bath of liquid. The sky was the bluest he?d ever seen it and
the clouds accented the view like a picture that would adorn the wall
of a famous person or of the rich people of the past.
The
grass was cold to his bare feet as he shuffled through the lush
vegetation that served as a prelude to the gritty sand that would
soon follow. His feet hit the sand and the sand gave way to his
weight as he made his way towards the water. He had had little time
for himself in the past couple of days with the Cardassians and the
missing Captain ? for the first time he had some time
off.
Josh stopped just short of the wet sand and gazed out
towards the horizon. The sun was beginning to set and the orange
tint had long since overrun his position. The clouds were bathed in
a mixture of colors; to Josh it was like looking at a spectrum, they
were all present in this landscape.
For reasons unknown to
him, Sara popped up into his mind. He missed her more than ever, but
he was happy that at least she had someone to go home to. Cyanah,
though not his favorite person obviously, was still good at heart and
was nice to Sara. Which, of course, made her OK with Josh. Moving
to the water Josh sat down and the water proceeded to rush over his
legs. His black nylon wind pants ruffled together, but kept him
dry.
His white tank top, which was his shirt of choice when he
wasn?t on duty, was soon matted to his chest. At this point Josh
didn?t care, his thoughts, emotions, and memories were gallivanting
elsewhere and it was nowhere near Holodeck One. He let his mind
wander backwards, back to a time where he was happiest. Sara popped
up into his mind, and this time, he didn?t try to block the
Earth-shattering image of her hurt him. Josh let the nostalgia take
over as he was washed back into a time of happiness and
wonder...
***** ***** ***** ***** *****
?I am having the Seafood Fettucini.? The waiter
walked over and took his order.
The waiter shrugged, ?And to
drink tonight, Lieutenant??
Josh gazed at the wine, ?The wine
will be just fine.? He smirked and gazed across at Sara. ?And, of
course, whatever she is having??
?I will have the lobster
salad.? She said as she handed the waiter the menu, ?Thank you.?
(?Love at First Sight?)* ***** *****
***** ***** ***** Josh opened his eyes as
the water slammed into him, almost toppling himself over backwards.
He breathed a few time as he let his body acclimate to the colder
temperature of the water that engulfed him. Then he let his thoughts
drift back and analyze his memory.
Some couples wouldn?t know
when they shared their first meal, what the meal was, or where the
meal had taken place. Josh remembered it vividly as if he would
repeat the same situation every twenty-four hours for the rest of his
known existence. He had asked Sara out when he was required to get
his physical from Coren Terje when he had first come aboard the
Banshee. The physical wasn?t as bad as he had expected ?
indescribable agony and unmentionable torture ? since Sara was
present in the same room.
The where was specifically obvious
to him, he had been there many times, the Down Under Lounge. It was
a place of solidarity and of relaxation; the candles and the
atmosphere alone put you separate from everyone else. It was the
most memorable night had had spent with Sara. The dancing, the
eating, and of course the gift at the end.
Knowing that he
would recall more from their memorable first encounter, Josh again
closed his eyes and let his memories overrun his thoughts and drown
out the coldness of the holographic water that consumed his frame.
Again, his thoughts drifted into memory...
*****
***** ***** ***** ***** ?So, who is Sara
Crusher?? [Josh] asked.
She could not help but laugh at the
question, mostly because it was something she was still trying to
figure out. ?Well lets see,? she paused trying to find the words,
?Sara Crusher is a Starfleet brat who likes to play as much as she
likes to work. She can be very shy one minute and a real,? she
smiled, ?bitch the next.? (?Love at First
Sight?)* ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Starfleet Brat? Josh had laughed initially at
the comment, but now that he thought about it the thought crossed his
mind ? wasn?t everyone that was stationed on the Banshee or any other
Federation station or ship a Starfleet Brat? Why would you go into
Starfleet in the first place if you weren?t interested in it? Josh
let the meaningless questions fall from his mind.
Bitch. Josh
smiled to himself as the images refused to go together. On many
recent occasions he found himself criticizing Sara for being just
that ? a bitch. After judging her and then judging himself for doing
so, he realized that it was just her character and personality and
that that was what set her off from the rest of the crew as being
that one person who was different in so many ways. Of course those
ways weren?t all bad, many of them were good and very attractive; at
least, he thought so.
Pushing the other random thoughts from
his mind and clearing his thoughts to more important things like the
past, Josh let the water rush by him and he eventually felt as if it
were running through him. He had moved again, from the present
position he was at sitting in the water to the never-ending supply of
humility and emotion; his past...
***** *****
***** ***** ***** ?Goodnight,
Sara...?
?Goodnight, Josh,? she whispered. She stood there a
moment longer not sure of what to do. She was never one to give into
the impulses, but this time she could not help it. She leaned in and
kissed him.
He returned [the kiss to] her, and it went longer
and longer. He finally pulled away and smiled as she entered her
quarters. He walked down the hall; she was still running through his
mind. He couldn?t let her go because he liked her a lot. He entered
his own quarters; a couple of doors down from hers and eventually
pulled himself into bed, as he continued thinking of her.
(?Love at First Sight?)* ***** ***** *****
***** ***** At that very moment, at the
precise minute that the kiss ended and the taste of her lips was the
only thing he could think of, he knew that he wanted to spend
eternity with this wonderful girl or angel that stood before him. It
wasn?t purely sexual attraction, at least he didn?t think so, he
really liked her as a person and cherished the fact that she used her
mind and didn?t let it go to waste.
That evening, after that
mind-altering kiss that seemed to last for an hour or more, he
couldn?t get to sleep. It wasn?t just the thought of her being so
close to him it was the thought that he may have finally found the
sacred ?one? that would be his wife and mother his children. He
cursed himself everyday after the sleepless night that he was jumping
ahead. And now, after all that enthusiasm, he was without her and
back to being the brotherly friend.
First dates are supposed
to be horribly awful, that?s the reason that two people go on a
second date ? simply to make up for the atrocious first one. It
wasn?t like that with Sara; the night couldn?t have gone more
perfect. The attraction between them was evident, you didn?t have to
have it painted on a torpedo and launched at you to realize that.
Josh fought off the feels of regret and guilt of letting his
anger get the best of him. Josh had blamed his anger and short fuse
on his current situation of not being with Sara. He was too proud
and ashamed to admit it to himself that it wasn?t meant to be. After
all, Josh should have realized the omen that followed shortly after
the end of their first date. The event that would change both of
their lives forever and ultimately show them the end of their
relationship before the end was even near.
The omen loomed up
ahead in his mind and all he did was take a deep breath and let the
horrible memories wash over him like a cloak of darkness being pulled
over a glowing beacon of light...
***** *****
***** ***** ***** ?Sara, are you afraid of
dying??
The question took her by surprise. She looked over at
Josh, who was motionless on his bed. ?I?m not afraid of death itself
so much, but of what comes after that.?
Josh could feel the
intellectual possibilities; that factor had been absent from most of
the people he talked to on the Banshee. ?I?m not afraid myself, I am
more worried about what my mother, sister, and brother will do.? He
rolled over again, now he was gazing and staring at the ceiling. ?I
worry about them, I don?t want to leave them; they need me. I worry
about that the most.? (?Missed
Opportunities?)* ***** ***** ***** *****
***** In that short instance of time, when they
were both bedridden with that unknown virus that had nearly taken
Sara from his, he had shared his deepest and darkest secrets on death
with her. He opened his soul; his never-ending struggles and
achievements were open for her to see. Comfort had finally settled
between them and he felt as if he could tell her everything ? but he
refrained.
It wasn?t as if he was forcing the relationship to
bind and work. Relations between them tightened with time and seemed
to strengthen themselves without the added pushing by Josh or Sara.
They tied together without any trouble, and any trouble that may have
existed between the two simply melted away like a snowman does as the
winter season ends and spring rears its head.
Death itself had
brought life to the relationship. As Sara lie there motionless on
the biobed after the virus had nearly stopped her heart Josh realized
what a wonderful person that Sara was and how hard he would have to
fight to keep her. The book of their relationship was started anew
as the bond that they had shared in their untimely demise blossomed
to be the tie that bound them together.
The waves crashed into
him again, pulling him from the far off land of make-believe back to
the harsh world. His hair ? so eternally gelled ? slumped to one
side as the wave hammered him. His body had gone completely numb;
not by the cold, but for he had blocked out the feeling and had
replaced it with his thoughts and memories. His recollection of past
events made up his existence now. As long as he remained in his
meditative state he would be numb to emotions and
feelings.
Josh struggled to refocus, the ocean was proving to
be a tad more strenuous than he had hoped for, but figured that it
would bully him into focusing harder to obtain his goals. The icy
water slammed into him again, but he shook it off and let the excess
water stream down his face. His thoughts rose about his head and
body again as they ascended into the heavens, and the past in which
they were housed...
***** ***** ***** *****
*****The semi-dark wooded path gave way to a
large sun-filled lake and the two were just a few meters from the
water on a grassy slope. Under a willow tree [there] was a red,
plaid blanket and a wicker basket.
Josh was mystified and was
overjoyed. He got off the horse and tied it to the nearby tree and
walked up the slope, he was unable to talk; he just wallowed in the
beauty of the scenery and then at the beauty of Sara. He walked over
to her and kissed her gently, ?This is beautiful, but then again I
wouldn?t expect any less from you.? (?Horse
Play?)* ***** ***** ***** *****
*****Josh?s eyes darted from the abyss of water
that swelled around him up into the abyss of clouds and air that
soared about him ? forever out of reach. The ride through the
countryside on horses was memorable moment. They had shared a picnic
together, and had even gotten up close in personal while standing
close in the water. At that instance Josh felt truly loved; more so
than he had since his father had died when he was sixteen.
He
found himself complimenting her constantly, not because he wanted to;
no, it was because she deserved every compliment that floated from
his mouth. She was that angel that was walking amongst the common
folk. She was the blessing that landed in his lap and was a gift
from whatever great beyond that Josh wanted to believe in. It was as
if he?d been given a gift and there wasn?t a way ? no matter how hard
he tried ? that he couldn?t keep her.
Therefore, after
pursuing her constantly, she finally slipped through his fingers and
into the arms of another. Jealously had enveloped him and sucked him
into a world that he wished that he would never have to traverse.
Once there he realized what a horrible position that he was in. It
wasn?t until he came to terms with his envious actions that he could
truly climb the ladder back into the real world and face his enemies
and problems head on.
There was still more to their life
story. Many chapters had remained unwritten and were still in the
making. Being friends cracked down on possibilities, but Josh was
determined to still share that special relationship with Sara that he
knew was there. Even as Cyanah and Sara grew closer he was set in
his ways that he would be there for every step of the
journey.
Josh tilted his head back as he set his hands firmly
on his knees. He clenched his knees tightly as he saw the inevitable
end coming closer and closer. Eventually he would find himself
recalling all the horrible and gruesome details of that terrible
encounter in sickbay, but he didn?t have a choice. He had to face
it, if not for his sake, but for Sara?s. He closed his eyes again
and watched as the blackness turned into his past
experiences...
***** ***** ***** *****
*****They walked together towards the turbolift.
They entered together and called out their different destinations.
Sara reached over as the doors hissed closed, kissing Josh quickly,
then she whispered, ?I think I am falling in love with you.? The
doors reopened to reveal her floor. She stepped out of the lift
before Josh could say a word.
Sara disappeared around the
corner and Josh smiled; the doors to the turbolift closed and resumed
to Josh?s destination. He smiled and muttered the words; ?You think?
I already knew that I love you.? (?Horse
Play?)* ***** ***** ***** ***** *****
Josh opened his eyes, his body numbed and immune
to the effects of the arctic-like waters. He looked around and
searched the horizon for something of value, or something just to get
his mind away from Sara. His meditation was doing what he wanted it
to do. He remembered the good times, and stashed the bad times deep
inside never to be heard from again.
How was he to realize
that the relationship would blossom and spawn into a more in-depth
bond? Was he really oblivious to the flood of emotion that he felt
from her? Was he completely in the dark about how she felt about
him; or, more importantly, how she was expressing her
feelings?
At that very moment, even when the roaring waves
consumed him, Josh could see past his doubt and his troubles, and was
sucked back into the time where he enjoyed her and just what he had
missed by letting his anger consume him. Away, away the waves took
him back to the past not so long ago...
*****
***** ***** ***** *****Josh watched in awe
as she pranced around, doing what needed to be done. He felt loved
and wanted; after all, all commotion and random actions were directed
for his needs and requests. Josh sat on the couch and gazed at the
busy body quickly walk around the room. He smiled and raised his
voice; ?I love you.? He couldn?t remember if he?d said it before,
but it came out right this time. (?Wine, Roses, &
Candlelight?)* ***** ***** ***** *****
*****He wasn?t sure how long had passed, if any.
The waves looked the same; the sand that supported his body didn?t
seem to move. Being that he had said what he had said, and he waited
what seemed like a lifetime for her response, he realized just how
much he relied on her presence. Her very essence of life was what
drove him to be a better person and what ignited his inner
fire.
Reciprocating the feelings and the words that he had
initiated was easy for him, but for Sara it didn?t come so easy. He
felt as if he was sitting on the edge of a giant precipice. If she
said what she wanted him to say he would be pulled to safety, forever
away from that threat of falling. If she said that she didn?t feel
what he felt for her, he would take a nosedive and plummet however
far it would take before the harsh reality slammed him in the
face.
That feeling of your stomach leaping into your throat or
dropping into your right leg was enough to paralyze even the most
drunk or tough of Klingons. The fear that was instilled to you with
that feeling of tangible loss would overpower you. The prolific
amounts of encounters and situation that bring this horrible reality
to light is what scared Josh the most.
Sara had given him the
best time of his life; everything that they?d done together had been
firmly entrenched into his memories. The walks, the talks, the hugs,
the kisses, and the time that was just spent in each other?s arms was
enough to hold him onto her very existence. That existence is why he
needed to flush himself clean. And to clean himself, was the forget
the past...
***** ***** ***** *****
*****?I have never felt this way about a man
before in my life. I have spent many nights sitting in that chair
trying to figure out how I feel about you.? She could see the fear,
the love, and the risk in his eyes. ?I told you once in the
turbolift that I thought I was falling in love with you?when I heard
you say those words just now it made me realize
something.?
Millions of thoughts raced through his head, he
didn?t know what she was going to say. A part of him was horrified,
the other was enticed; but, above all, he was curious. This could go
one way or the other. He took a breath. ?And that is...?? He
trailed off so she could answer his inquiry.
?I?ve fallen.?
She whispered as she leaned in closer to him. ?I love you too.?
(?Wine, Roses, & Candlelight?)* ***** *****
***** ***** *****The water forced him, at
last, to stand to his feet and shake whatever turmoil was in his head
out to the icy waters. He wasn?t sure whether or not his prolonged
feelings would stay, or whether they would be sucked away like the
tide does in the early hours of the morning.
From his
perspective, life with Sara was over. He wasn?t happy about it, as a
matter of fact; he was quite distraught with the situation. Josh
missed that touch, missed that yearning sensation just to be in her
company.
Brushing all of the emotional politics to the side,
Josh stood and let the water drain off his soaked clothing. His eyes
traveled the horizon again, and found nothing. That road, that he
had fought so hard to travel down, was no the road that he wished
that he would never have to travel again. Being thankful for that
time of his life, he wouldn?t change it for anything. Although, the
trauma and the problems it had caused him in the falling out had
crushed him beyond all forms of repair.
For the time, he would
just stand and gaze at his landscape. He had messed around with his
memories, brought them to heart, and now they would stay here in the
holodeck. That chapter of the book, the one that?s main character
was Lieutenant Sara Crusher, was over. The new chapter began as the
life of a single man renewed, but the chapter that?s ending was over
so soon would be the best ever written. The chapter was over, but
his life was not.
Note:** All logs that
were apart of the many flashbacks are available if you wish to see
them, or weren?t around when they were first sent out. Please
contact myself or Sara and we would be more than happy to send them
to you. We enjoyed pursuing our characters in this fashion and would
like to share it with you.
Logs:?Love at First
Sight?
?Horse Play?
?Wine, Roses, & Candlelight?
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