<USS Banshee> "In the Meaning of Dreams" Chp. 5
- From: "Brad Ruder" <GroundZero@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: ussbanshee@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Thu, 26 Dec 2002 19:19:27 -0800
?In the Meaning of Dreams?
& Lieutenant Sara Crusher
?Breaking Down the Walls?
seemed to be in a lull; the crew morale seemed to be at an all time
low. The holidays help a little. But there were problems with that
as well, being so far from home space made it hard to even contact
Sara sat alone in her quarters trying to hide from
sad and frustrated faces of her crew mates. She had had a wonderful
holiday; but then again she had someone wonderful to spend them with.
Yet the dark mood that hung over the ship was even starting to get to
little Miss Polly-Anna.
Josh threw the last thing against the
wall that he could. It impacted it harshly and slammed to the floor
with crumbs of it following soon after. His temper was racing and he
couldn't stop himself from blaming himself, even though he knew that
it wasn't his fault. Tears mixed with sweat as he pounded his fists,
again, into the cold durasteel that made up his table. There wasn't
anything that he could do, and that feeling of helplessness fueled
He kicked a chair, having knocked it down an hour
ago, and it splintered into several pieces. He figured, with his
anger, that it would take a month or two of replicator rations to
replaced the broken goods, but he didn't care.
In a sudden
burst of emotional loss, Josh dropped to his knees and put his head
in his hands. His anger had fully subsided and now all that was left
was the hollow shell produced by his anger. Sorrow filled it quickly
and he became nothing more than a bumbling schoolboy. He didn't care
what people thought, but in the same sense he did, he sucked in all
of the emotion he had and held it. He repressed the tears and
trudged out the door.
Sitting on her couch with her pets in
her lap, Sara watched the small glass ball on her coffee table as it
changed colors while white swirls of what looked like mist danced
inside. It was a gift from Cyanah and she loved it. It was just
perfect to lose herself in as she tried to relax.
She was day
dreaming and nearly jumped out of her skin when Tramp started barking
at the door. She hadn't heard the chime ring but she knew someone was
there. Tramp never barked at the door unless the chime had been rung
and the scent he was picking up wasn't Cy's. Sara picked up the
vortex lamp and put in back in her bedroom before going to the door.
"Hush Tramp." She told the small dog as she reached for the door's
key panel. She was not expecting what she found on the other side.
A look of depression had settled upon his
features. He slumped forward as if having no life left to hold him
up steady. Leaning against the door a tear fell silently from his
eye to his white long-sleeved t-shirt below. His mouth opened and he
struggled to put forth words, but the only thing that escaped his
mouth was a soft cry of pain and emotional distress. Josh's eyes
gazed into Sara and saw nothing but life and unconditional love.
Blinking, he moved his gaze back to the floor. Without a word,
another tear softly left the confines of his eyes and into his world
"Josh. What?s wrong? What's happened?" Sara asked
as she held on to her arm. She helped him to the couch and sat him
down. He was trembling, he had been crying, and normally warm eyes
were just plan empty. The last time she had seen his eyes so empty he
was storming out of her office. Sara walked over t her dinning room
table and poured out a glass of water. She then walked over and
placed it in his hands before sitting across from him on coffee
"It's all right, Josh." Sara could see that something
had gone wrong. "Did you have another nightmare?"
head violently, the beautiful image of Sara blurred for a moment as
the tears glazed over his eyes. He wiped them away quickly and his
lip quivered furiously and, even with all his strength and
determination, he couldn?t stop it.
"It's worse. She...?
Again his breath left him, and all he was left with was a shell of
words and a thought that wouldn't be followed through to completion.
It was frustrating not getting out what he wanted, but at this point
it was beyond help.
Sara had never seen Josh so out of it
before. She looked at him, watching his movements, the ragged
breathing, what had happened to drive him to this point. "She? Josh
what's going on?" Her mind raced for possible answers but the problem
that lied with in him she was, like most things in life, naive to.
Her mind couldn't even form the possibility.
Josh managed to get out that much, but again fell to the undeterred
feelings of helplessness, guilt, sorrow, and unrelenting anger
towards the situation.
"Who's gone, Josh?"
"Oh, Josh." Sara wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't
good at this kinda stuff. Personally, she had never had a death in
the family touch her. Sure her uncle had been killed but she was
only a baby and didn't understand. As a doctor having to make out
death certificates and informing the next of kin was the part of her
job she hated only second to losing the person in the first place.
Sara reached out and took Josh's hand. "Josh, I am so sorry."
Josh pulled his hand away with a force that sent the glass
that was in his other hand shattering on the floor. "We're all
sorry, Sara, it doesn't make it easier and it doesn't make it better.
She's gone! There isn't a damn thing that I can do about it right
now. She's my mother and I loved her, but I had been out of touch
with her for so long that it's hard to understand why I'm so
Josh stood up and walked around to the window and
stared out of it absently. He crossed his arms and turned his back
on his friend. He took a few audible deep breaths, concentrating on
gathering his thoughts and emotions.
"I'm sorry, Sara. It's
been so hard, and it's even harder because she died of the same thing
my father died of. It's like it's hunting down every one of us, and
I fight and fight and still am within its reticule."
there while he snapped at her. Normally this would have ticked her
off, but she kept remembering a story her Aunt told her about having
a phaser shot at her after telling someone they had lost a family
member. "It's OK, Josh." She said softly. "And you?re so distraught
because she's your mother. It doesn't matter how long you were apart,
nothing changes that."
"I feel so detached from her, the
connection that a mother and her son should have are absent. But,
with her death, it feels like a hole in my stomach had suddenly
appeared." Josh was morally and emotionally conflicted and he knew
it. "I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I'm so
messed up right now..." He turned once again to face
"You can talk to me." She said once again as softly as
she could. She turned to face him and waited for him to tell her what
he needed ? to talk things out.
He smiled and waved his hands
wildly, "I don't know what to talk about! I have so many things that
I want to be explained, to be confined to logical sense, and I can't
start here! I can't do anything until we're back to Federation
territory. I need to talk about it, and at the same time I don't
need to talk about it. My head feels like it's just about to
He turned and sat down on the couch again, openly
crying in frustration as well as sadness. He was on an emotional and
imaginary road and it had sudden curved twice without him realizing
it. Now, in this hour of his need, there was only one person that
was passing his way that would help him. Even in that moment, when
help was offered, he was reluctant to accept it.
off the coffee table and on to the couch next to him. She started to
reach out to place her hand on his but remembered how he can reacted
to her last touch and pulled her hand back. "What kinda of answers
are you looking for Josh? I mean, I've never lost someone like this,
I don't know the perfect thing to say." She sighed a bit. "I guess
even if I had lost someone I still wouldn't know what to tell you to
make it better. I can offer you all the medical mumbo jumbo on Poxian
Measles, or I can just be your friend and let you cry on my
She wasn't stupid. She knew that things where
still weird between them, but he was her friend. "I know you must
want to head home. Maybe I can help there somehow." Sara looked at
him and offered a warm smile. "You just have to let me."
brow furrowed and his face reddened. "I know all the precise details
on the Poxian Measles, it's not curable and a lot is still unknown
about it. I want to head home more than anything, it's eating away
"Have you asked the Commander for some personal leave.
You've had a death in the family he can't really refuse. And as for
as being out here I'm sure the Legate would offer some kinda escort."
At this point she was blindly throwing out suggestions hoping that
one would help or make sense.
"Right, I'm sure that he might
offer something like that. And while they're at it they can send me
a card that sends their sympathy. When will that happen? Let's try
never!" Josh snapped harshly. Josh stepped on some of the broken
glass from the cup he'd thrown, and walked towards the door angrier
than he was before.
Sara bit back the snide remark that hung
from the tip of her tongue, but she still wanted him to know she
didn't appreciate the way he had snapped at her when she was only
trying to help. "Look Joshua," She said firmly yet still with a
softness in her tone, "You need to do something besides explode.
Letting all that out is good, but so is doing something about
She quickly picked up Tramp and Gypsy and put them in her
bedroom before they got glass in their paws. "What is it you want
that you can have at the moment?"
He walked around the room,
his hands clasped behind his head.
He paused and
looked at her, "Love."
The air in the room suddenly became
heavy and cold as Sara stood there and looked at him. She blinked a
few times trying hard not to show her discomfort. "And I'm sure in
time you will find all of those things."
Josh wasn't trying
to insinuate Sara, by any means. She asked, and he gave her an
answer that she was looking for. "I'm sure I will. Not soon enough,
though, I'm afraid. Thank you, Sara, for everything." He started
for the door and crossed over the jagged glass. His shoes were thick
enough to stop any intrusion and he moved easily across her
"You?re welcome, Josh." She walked over to him and
hugged him. "I really am sorry ya know. You?re my friend and I don't
want to see you hurting." She stepped back and walked him to the
door. "I'm around if you need to talk more."
Josh smiled and
nodded as he walked out, letting the doors seal behind him. The
meeting, though emotional and uncomfortable, started him down a new
path. It was one of decreased sorrow, but more of recovery.
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