<USS Banshee> "In the Meaning of Dreams" Chp. 5

  • From: "Brad Ruder" <GroundZero@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: ussbanshee@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Thu, 26 Dec 2002 19:19:27 -0800

?In the Meaning of Dreams?
by Lieutenant Joshua Asper
& Lieutenant Sara Crusher

Chapter Five ?
?Breaking Down the Walls?

The ship seemed to be in a lull; the crew morale seemed to be at an all time low. The holidays help a little. But there were problems with that as well, being so far from home space made it hard to even contact people.

Sara sat alone in her quarters trying to hide from sad and frustrated faces of her crew mates. She had had a wonderful holiday; but then again she had someone wonderful to spend them with. Yet the dark mood that hung over the ship was even starting to get to little Miss Polly-Anna.

Josh threw the last thing against the wall that he could. It impacted it harshly and slammed to the floor with crumbs of it following soon after. His temper was racing and he couldn't stop himself from blaming himself, even though he knew that it wasn't his fault. Tears mixed with sweat as he pounded his fists, again, into the cold durasteel that made up his table. There wasn't anything that he could do, and that feeling of helplessness fueled his anger.

He kicked a chair, having knocked it down an hour ago, and it splintered into several pieces. He figured, with his anger, that it would take a month or two of replicator rations to replaced the broken goods, but he didn't care.

In a sudden burst of emotional loss, Josh dropped to his knees and put his head in his hands. His anger had fully subsided and now all that was left was the hollow shell produced by his anger. Sorrow filled it quickly and he became nothing more than a bumbling schoolboy. He didn't care what people thought, but in the same sense he did, he sucked in all of the emotion he had and held it. He repressed the tears and trudged out the door.

Sitting on her couch with her pets in her lap, Sara watched the small glass ball on her coffee table as it changed colors while white swirls of what looked like mist danced inside. It was a gift from Cyanah and she loved it. It was just perfect to lose herself in as she tried to relax.

She was day dreaming and nearly jumped out of her skin when Tramp started barking at the door. She hadn't heard the chime ring but she knew someone was there. Tramp never barked at the door unless the chime had been rung and the scent he was picking up wasn't Cy's. Sara picked up the vortex lamp and put in back in her bedroom before going to the door. "Hush Tramp." She told the small dog as she reached for the door's key panel. She was not expecting what she found on the other side.


A look of depression had settled upon his features. He slumped forward as if having no life left to hold him up steady. Leaning against the door a tear fell silently from his eye to his white long-sleeved t-shirt below. His mouth opened and he struggled to put forth words, but the only thing that escaped his mouth was a soft cry of pain and emotional distress. Josh's eyes gazed into Sara and saw nothing but life and unconditional love. Blinking, he moved his gaze back to the floor. Without a word, another tear softly left the confines of his eyes and into his world of sorrow.

"Josh. What?s wrong? What's happened?" Sara asked as she held on to her arm. She helped him to the couch and sat him down. He was trembling, he had been crying, and normally warm eyes were just plan empty. The last time she had seen his eyes so empty he was storming out of her office. Sara walked over t her dinning room table and poured out a glass of water. She then walked over and placed it in his hands before sitting across from him on coffee table.

"It's all right, Josh." Sara could see that something had gone wrong. "Did you have another nightmare?"

Shaking his head violently, the beautiful image of Sara blurred for a moment as the tears glazed over his eyes. He wiped them away quickly and his lip quivered furiously and, even with all his strength and determination, he couldn?t stop it.

"It's worse. She...? Again his breath left him, and all he was left with was a shell of words and a thought that wouldn't be followed through to completion. It was frustrating not getting out what he wanted, but at this point it was beyond help.

Sara had never seen Josh so out of it before. She looked at him, watching his movements, the ragged breathing, what had happened to drive him to this point. "She? Josh what's going on?" Her mind raced for possible answers but the problem that lied with in him she was, like most things in life, naive to. Her mind couldn't even form the possibility.

"She's gone." Josh managed to get out that much, but again fell to the undeterred feelings of helplessness, guilt, sorrow, and unrelenting anger towards the situation.

"Who's gone, Josh?"

"My mother."

"Oh, Josh." Sara wasn't sure what to say. She wasn't good at this kinda stuff. Personally, she had never had a death in the family touch her. Sure her uncle had been killed but she was only a baby and didn't understand. As a doctor having to make out death certificates and informing the next of kin was the part of her job she hated only second to losing the person in the first place.

Sara reached out and took Josh's hand. "Josh, I am so sorry."

Josh pulled his hand away with a force that sent the glass that was in his other hand shattering on the floor. "We're all sorry, Sara, it doesn't make it easier and it doesn't make it better. She's gone! There isn't a damn thing that I can do about it right now. She's my mother and I loved her, but I had been out of touch with her for so long that it's hard to understand why I'm so distraught!"

Josh stood up and walked around to the window and stared out of it absently. He crossed his arms and turned his back on his friend. He took a few audible deep breaths, concentrating on gathering his thoughts and emotions.

"I'm sorry, Sara. It's been so hard, and it's even harder because she died of the same thing my father died of. It's like it's hunting down every one of us, and I fight and fight and still am within its reticule."

Sara sat there while he snapped at her. Normally this would have ticked her off, but she kept remembering a story her Aunt told her about having a phaser shot at her after telling someone they had lost a family member. "It's OK, Josh." She said softly. "And you?re so distraught because she's your mother. It doesn't matter how long you were apart, nothing changes that."

"I feel so detached from her, the connection that a mother and her son should have are absent. But, with her death, it feels like a hole in my stomach had suddenly appeared." Josh was morally and emotionally conflicted and he knew it. "I don't know what to do. I don't know who to talk to. I'm so messed up right now..." He turned once again to face her.

"You can talk to me." She said once again as softly as she could. She turned to face him and waited for him to tell her what he needed ? to talk things out.

He smiled and waved his hands wildly, "I don't know what to talk about! I have so many things that I want to be explained, to be confined to logical sense, and I can't start here! I can't do anything until we're back to Federation territory. I need to talk about it, and at the same time I don't need to talk about it. My head feels like it's just about to explode!"

He turned and sat down on the couch again, openly crying in frustration as well as sadness. He was on an emotional and imaginary road and it had sudden curved twice without him realizing it. Now, in this hour of his need, there was only one person that was passing his way that would help him. Even in that moment, when help was offered, he was reluctant to accept it.

Sara moved off the coffee table and on to the couch next to him. She started to reach out to place her hand on his but remembered how he can reacted to her last touch and pulled her hand back. "What kinda of answers are you looking for Josh? I mean, I've never lost someone like this, I don't know the perfect thing to say." She sighed a bit. "I guess even if I had lost someone I still wouldn't know what to tell you to make it better. I can offer you all the medical mumbo jumbo on Poxian Measles, or I can just be your friend and let you cry on my shoulder."

She wasn't stupid. She knew that things where still weird between them, but he was her friend. "I know you must want to head home. Maybe I can help there somehow." Sara looked at him and offered a warm smile. "You just have to let me."

His brow furrowed and his face reddened. "I know all the precise details on the Poxian Measles, it's not curable and a lot is still unknown about it. I want to head home more than anything, it's eating away at me."

"Have you asked the Commander for some personal leave. You've had a death in the family he can't really refuse. And as for as being out here I'm sure the Legate would offer some kinda escort." At this point she was blindly throwing out suggestions hoping that one would help or make sense.

"Right, I'm sure that he might offer something like that. And while they're at it they can send me a card that sends their sympathy. When will that happen? Let's try never!" Josh snapped harshly. Josh stepped on some of the broken glass from the cup he'd thrown, and walked towards the door angrier than he was before.

Sara bit back the snide remark that hung from the tip of her tongue, but she still wanted him to know she didn't appreciate the way he had snapped at her when she was only trying to help. "Look Joshua," She said firmly yet still with a softness in her tone, "You need to do something besides explode. Letting all that out is good, but so is doing something about it."

She quickly picked up Tramp and Gypsy and put them in her bedroom before they got glass in their paws. "What is it you want that you can have at the moment?"

He walked around the room, his hands clasped behind his head. "Comfort."



He paused and looked at her, "Love."

The air in the room suddenly became heavy and cold as Sara stood there and looked at him. She blinked a few times trying hard not to show her discomfort. "And I'm sure in time you will find all of those things."

Josh wasn't trying to insinuate Sara, by any means. She asked, and he gave her an answer that she was looking for. "I'm sure I will. Not soon enough, though, I'm afraid. Thank you, Sara, for everything." He started for the door and crossed over the jagged glass. His shoes were thick enough to stop any intrusion and he moved easily across her quarters.

"You?re welcome, Josh." She walked over to him and hugged him. "I really am sorry ya know. You?re my friend and I don't want to see you hurting." She stepped back and walked him to the door. "I'm around if you need to talk more."

Josh smiled and nodded as he walked out, letting the doors seal behind him. The meeting, though emotional and uncomfortable, started him down a new path. It was one of decreased sorrow, but more of recovery.

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