[toolnews] new newsletter
- From: Crazy Johnson <crazyjohnson3@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: <toolnews@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 26 Apr 2001 19:59:30 -0400
http://www.toolband.com/news/letter/index.html
TOOL NEWSLETTER APRIL, 2001 E.V.
First off, I want to tell all of you who sent e-mails asking me to say
"happy birthday" to Maynard for you that I did so at his party on Tuesday
night. Mission accomplished, people. Since I couldn't possibly remember all
of your names, I wrote them down and read each one to the birthday boy at
his house. This took awhile, but I think it really meant at lot to Maynard.
Actually, I thought I saw tears in those puppy eyes. I must have scored
Brownie points for taking the time to write down each one, cause afterwards=
,
he took me outside to look at his property and told me to go take a hike! W=
e
should do the same thing for Danny whose birthday is coming up in May. But,
before that, how about some birthday greetings for my sister-in-law,
Victoria, who celebrates her **th on April 25. Vickey, another important co=
g
in the Tool machine.
Before we begin in earnest, it seems like there's something I'm forgetting.
Something that I was going to discuss in this issue. Damn, I just can't
remember what it was... OH, that's it! I was going to say something about
the NEW TOOL... video. Well, I went down to have a look-see while they were
still shooting "Schism" and, without giving anything way, I remember
thinking somewhat sadly how "hell is going to be a bit of a disappointment
to Adam." Okay, in other news: Look for DANNY C. to appear on the cover of
June's (on stands now) MODERN DRUMMER magazine. Also, look for JUSTIN C. to
appear on the cover of the next issue of BASS PLAYER magazine. And I think
both Adam and Justin are featured in the next GUITAR WORLD magazine.
=20
=20
=20
=20
=20
=A0
Speaking of magazines, while shooting an ad for Paiste that is to appear in
the next issue of Modern Drummer, something interesting (and potentially
disastrous) happened to Danny and the crew. They were on location in the
California desert, waiting for the "magic" hour when the sunset painted the
cliffs serving as a backdrop when Danny heard what sounded like a hellish
tambourine among the rocks on which he was standing, posing for the camera.
This turned out to be a Mojave Green rattlesnake, diamond-patterned and all=
,
making its annoyance known to all present. Hard to believe isn't it - the
extremes those guys in Creed would go to thwart the upcoming Tool tour. Jus=
t
kidding. To tell you the truth, I heard a song on the radio the other day b=
y
Creed that I really liked. It was called "Riders of the Storm." Although I
thought the vocals could have been better, I had no idea they were such goo=
d
songwriters. Turn the other cheek, boys. Eventually, the rattler moved on,
and the photographer got his shot. But, if Danny looks a bit unnerved in th=
e
ad, you'll know why. With Danny's luck, even had he been bitten (the
neurotoxic venom of the Mojave Green being potentially deadly), there
probably would have been a group just around the corner on a training
exercise to instruct those how to treat the victims of a rattlesnake bite. =
I
was once with him when he ran out of gas on a busy Southern California
freeway. Amazingly, he was able to cost through several lanes of traffic
onto the shoulder.=20
=20
=A0=20
Before he could say ****! there was a tap on his window. Danny rolled down
the window to find a man in a uniform, not unlike those worn by petroleum
transfer engineers (i.e. gas station attendants) asking if he needed some
gas. Seemingly out of no where, he had pulled up behind us in a tow truck,
part of a new California program in which these guys patrolled the freeways=
,
giving FREE (yes free) gas to anyone who ran out. This, explained the man,
was the first day of the program. That lucky mother****** I thought. Danny'=
s
luck does not seem to hold up in the month of April, however. At least not
when I'm around him. Last week, after walking out of a bookstore with a
vellum-bound treasure we were given jaywalking tickets by a motorcycle
officer. The conversation went something like this:
DANNY ... Can't you just give us a warning?
MOTORCYCLE COP Well, why should I do that?
DANNY You could do it just to be cool.
MOTORCYCLE COP (Writing the ticket) Well I guess I'm not going to be cool.
DANNY So you're going to be a dick, instead - -
MOTORCYCLE COP Sir, have I not treated you with respect?
DANNY I'm just pissed because I just had ten thousand dollars of gear stole=
n
- -=20
MOTORCYCLE COP (the dick) Sir, did I steal your stuff?
DANNY No, but if the police didn't waste their time on jaywalking tickets,
they might have more time to find my stolen shit - -
BLAIR (Taking a line from The Big LaBowski) Have you got any leads?
Many years ago, also in the month of April, Danny and I got another ticket.
This time, we had the dubious honor of being the first people to be arreste=
d
behind the borders at Area 51. The "camo dudes", as the goons of a satellit=
e
government are called, had detained us for "trespassing" on the grounds of
the mysterious installation in the small hours of April 24, 1995. The
viewpoints of "Freedom Ridge" and "White Sides" were closed on April 10th
and we had no prior warning that the land-grab had gone through. (NOTE: the
powers that be had withdrawn an additional 3,972 acres of "public entry
land" which included the two unobstructed viewpoints of the top-secret
research area.) After being searched as "Iraqi spies", we were made to lie
on the desert floor by members of the security forces who pointed machine
guns at us until the local sheriff arrived. Around the perimeters of the
secret base, as many people now know, the signs warn in red letters that th=
e
"use of deadly force is authorized." I wonder what would have happened if
Danny had called these guys dicks. In a future issue, I will tell the
complete story of our trip to "Dreamland", one of some 35 I made to the
area, many before Area 51 became known as America's most popular secret
base.
One of you sent me an interesting e-mail. Basically, you wanted to know if
there were ever any humorous moments in the studio during the recording of
LATERALUS. Although I wasn't present for most of the sessions, I was able t=
o
observe a few things that put a smile on my face at least. The first of
these was during the tracking of the drums for THE PATIENT (which at the
time, I remember, was called RED). This was back in October, and was the
first song to be recorded. Candles had been lit in the spacious room at
Cello Studio, and black lights bathed the talisman painted on a large
circular board (see the October newsletter) erected for the occasion. I was
seated with David Bottrill at the board, peering through the glass as Adam
and Justin began to play the somber strains that comprise the songs intro.
Suddenly I heard a loud; off beat crunching sound over the studio monitors.
Looking to my right, I saw Maynard in his glass booth, an elfish grin on hi=
s
face as he munched potato chips into the microphone.
On another occasion, during some down time, I walked into the lounge area t=
o
find Adam, Buzz (King Buzzo) and few friends watching a video of a Mexican
Charreada (rodeo). In this violent spectacle (set to mariachi-style music
for the purpose of the video), macho types who probably swallowed one to
many mescal worms were attempting to ride wild bulls. One by one they were
tossed like straw cowboy hat- wearing rag dolls, only to be gored and
stomped on by the angry beasts. Necks were snapped like stale chorros with
no ambulances or medical personnel in sight. Instead, the injured were
merely fanned with towels by their drunken friends. The more seriously
injured (who were often unconscious) were treated with liberal amounts of
Tecate beer (tallboys) poured down their throats. From time to time an icon
in the form of a flaming skull would appear on the screen, indicating that
the rider in this particular clip had died as a result of his injuries.
=20
=20
=A0=20
After watching this carnage asada for about a half and hour, I began to get
jaded. In fact, I found myself jonesing for more flaming skull icons. I was
thinking that to make it more exciting - to really impress the senoritas in
the stands - after being bucked off the wild bull and scrambling to safety
under the fence, it would be great if there were scorpions or a few rattler=
s
in the pit as another test of manhood. What's funny about this you ask?
Nothing, but what else can you do but laugh at such ignorance?
I also found it a little humorous to watch producer David Bottrill rolling
in his chair, fixing the occasional "bum" note with lightning-quick speed,
all the while announcing that this would cost the particular band member an
additional five dollars! To me, the funniest moment also involved David.
This occurred on the last night of mixing at Larabee. The band had been
working for several months now and everyone was ready to get to the finish
line (where bottles of champagne were waiting), probably none more so than
David who was anxious to finish the session as he needed to pack up his gea=
r
and catch a plane to London early in the morning. The only thing standing i=
n
his way was to have Danny listen to the mix to see if he wanted to make any
changes. Indicating that he was now ready for him, David called into the
lounge where Danny was slumped on a couch, watching a tennis match (between
Venus Williams and some other woman). As David continued to call, his
patience waning, Danny looked over at me and smiled. He'd already invested
too much time watching the match, he shrugged, not to see who would win. To
truly appreciate this, you had to be there.
I GET LOTS OF E-MAILS. HERE'S JUST A FEW:
Q: What do I have to do to get in contact with UFOs, fairy-folk and ghosts,
etc?=20
A: This one's simple. For ghosts, use a ouiji board. For UFOS, a
laser-pointer. Simply shine it up at the starry night sky like Dr. Greer an=
d
his CSETI group does to make contact with aliens. As for fairy-folk, whip u=
p
a batch of Maynard's chocolate-chip cookies. At least one of these
suggestions is guaranteed to work every time.
Q: I have a question concerning the spirituality of the members of Tool.
What exactly are their beliefs? I'm not trying to be nosy, but I am just
curious, because I've seen Enochian symbols, demonic sigils, pentagrams,
Enochian language as one of the Lateralus song titles, one song named after
a form of meditation (Merkaba), and several other things along those lines.
One could assume that they're Pagans or Mages, but I want to know for
sure...
A: All of the members of the band are members of a magical fraternity known
as The EXSULTED HERMETIC ORDER OF THE PAISLEY DOODLEBUG. Want to join? No,
seriously, I like to think of them as explorers, open-minded with varying
interests. What exactly are their beliefs? The John Gribbin quote, "I do no=
t
believe anything" has been adopted by R.A.W. to mean belief is the death of
intelligence. As Wilson explains in his "Cosmic Trigger": "As soon as one
believes a doctrine of ANY SORT or assumes certitude, one stops thinking
about that aspect of existence." Again, I think Austin Osman Spare may have
said it best: "In a universe that defies description, all systems of belief
can only be false." Get the idea?
Q: I heard the world will come to an end during the year 2014 (I heard this
on Oprah nonetheless!) What are your thoughts?
A: If I was watching Oprah, that would be way too long to wait.
Here's one of my favorites: Maynard is an asshole. When he came to Nashvill=
e
with APC he made fun of us by getting one side of the crowd to say "hee" an=
d
the other side to say "haw." The bad part is that the ignorant fucks did it=
.
Yes, Maynard appears to be a very sarcastic, unserious prick, hence why I
have so much respect for him (that and the fact that he's a great singer an=
d
makes great music with two great bands... As I understand it, drummer Josh'=
s
father was a performer on the show HEE HAW. Nevertheless, it was still
genius.
Q: Pardon my American bred homophobic French when I say, who really gives a
fuck about Maynard's chocolate chip cookies? I want to know his favorite
color and no one will tell me! It's frustrating and I'm having trouble
sleeping. And what kind of name is Blair? Is that supposed to be some kind
of nineties unisex plot to undermine traditional American values. So you ar=
e
in some way responsible for the delay of Lateralus? That takes the cake
goddamnit! I must inform you that due to your selfish lackadaisical attitud=
e
I'm calling Tank Abbott and he's going to kick your
sex-magick-know-it-all-ass! Now that I've buttered you up... how about that
green sauce recipe?
A: Listen very carefully (with headphones) to what is being said under the
music to the Tool version of NO QUARTER. These are definitely instructions
being given here.
Q: Does Justin like ice in his drink and if so is it the cube shape or the
other Half Oval kind of ice? Also, does he like it crushed or solid? Same
goes for everyone in the band.
A: Being English, Justin doesn't care much for ice cubes of any sort. Danny=
,
however, likes his to made into complex geometrical shapes with... If you'r=
e
going to waste my time then I'm going to waste yours.
Q: et in arcadia ego... bake (or maybe that's EGGO...) hmm) so I have one
word that will once and for all clear up the mystery of what happened to
Justin in his back yard on that fateful night: Keebler elves... cookies...
the finest ingredients... it all adds up. He said the object was hovering
just above the trees - maybe it WAS a tree... a hollow tree... It's all
covered in Manly P. Hall's "Secret Ingredients of the Ages: a Masonic,
Rosicrucian and qaballistic guide to symbolic baked goods.
So perhaps Maynard doesn't MAKE the world's best chocolate chip cookies
after all, eh? Maybe there's a higher power at work... perhaps he is
channeling them, or the elves through their subliminal marketing campaigns
have caused him to align his home in such a way as to receive the recipe
subliminally. Does his oven occupy a tetrahedrically significant place in
his home - say at 19.5 degrees in relation to the fridge? Or perhaps he
ritualistically sets the oven AT 195 degrees... stunning. That would requir=
e
a 23 hour baking cycle if salt were not involved (salt, as you know, raises
the freezing point depression of any substance, thus significantly impactin=
g
time to maximum crispness) It all adds up I tell ya!
Not really a question - more like satirizing the satirist, but I like it.
Wonder how Richard feels about it, though?
Q: Hey Blair, great job on the newsletters could you put something in there
about faaip de oiad and what the relevance of the song is to the "voice of
god." Is it Maynard doing a Charlton Heston impersonation?
A: Actually the "Voice of God" is a sample of a defective or, perhaps,
evolved machine - a reverb unit or other device which has intrigued Danny
for many years. The sound, whatever it is, is communicating with an EMS
SYNTHI AKS as Danny plays his drums. The frantic voice in the background is
from a cassette tape I had of a caller to the Art Bell show. The caller
claimed to be an ex-employee of Area 51 who, as a whistle-blower, was now i=
n
fear for his life. Within minutes of making the call, Art's show was
abruptly knocked off the air along with several other broadcasts that share=
d
the same satellite link. (NOTE: on the anniversary of this bizarre incident=
,
almost to the hour, Art's signal was once again tampered with, causing the
show to be temporarily knocked off the air. This time Mr. Bell had on a
guest who was discussing secret NASA transmissions with regards to apparent
UFOS). Coincidence?
=A0
HAPPY TRAILS=20
BLAIR
JUSTIN=20
DANNY=20
MAYNARD=20
ADAM=20
=A0
=A0
=A0
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