[thebigjewel] Value Added, Then Subtracted - July 17, 2002

  • From: "The Big Jewel" <list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: thebigjewel@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 05:14:49 -0600 (MDT)

* Welcome to another weekly email of 'The Big Jewel's Hilarious Weekly 
Email.' Hope all is well in everyone's respective neck of the woods and, as 
always, please email us back if it isn't, with instructions on how we can 
help. This week's article is called Value Added, Then Subtracted by a 
newcomer to The Big Jewel, Cory Laslocky. Have a great week.


Value Added, Then Subtracted
By Cory Laslocky

I'm Cory Laslocky. You've probably seen me in "Tall, Pale & Flabby" 
magazine. I live alone. I own two cats. Occasionally, I like to listen to 
the Pet Shop Boys. I wash my hair with Pantene with pro vitamin E. Just 
thought I'd tell you...Christmas is only is only six months away. 

I hate buying things. I hate it. 

Who am I kidding? I love it. 

Everyday, around the world, over one billion Coca-Cola products are 
consumed. A billion a day. That's one in six people living on the planet. I 
once thought that the meaning of life was to make the lives of those around 
you better. Apparently, I was misinformed. Consumption is the meaning of 
life. Consume, consume, consume. This is how we've come to judge ourselves 
as people. This is how we take stock in our own personal inventory. 

I am a good person because: 

* I bought a $56,000 Cadillac SUV, which gets four feet to the tank, so 
that I can handle the rugged terrain of Jersey Turnpike, Exit 4 in style. 

* I bought 18 pairs of Gap khakis in Tan, Olive, Sunrise and Cranberry. I 
wear them when I talk to other men about my lawn. Somewhere, children are 
dying of AIDS. Somewhere else, people are hunted down in the street because 
of their religion. And each day, the planet dies a little more. But my lawn 
is green, damn it. And you can have my mulch when you pry it from my cold, 
dead hand. 

* I bought a subscription to the Olsen Twins magazine (Mary-Kate and 
Ashley) because years from now when they're all coked up and strung out of 
Zoloft, doing double-penetration, girl-on-girl flicks, I can look back on a 
time when they were just young, sweet, innocent commodities. 

* I bought crack-cocaine because for life's aches and pains there's no 
better non-prescription pain reliever (available in ghettos everywhere and 

* I bought tampons. From the commercials, it seems like it's so much fun to 
have your period. "Weee, look at me. I'm hemorrhaging and climbing a 
mountain." Or "My pads got wings. I can fly. I can fly." Somewhere in the 
bowels of Playtex's corporate headquarters, a person is using the precious 
hours of their life (hours that could be spent with their kids, a favorite 
aunt, or painting sea shells for the blind), hours you never get back so 
that "at the end of the day," the Playtex "brand" of sanitary napkins is 
better "positioned." 

* I bought $56 sterling-silver measuring cups off my cousin's wedding 
registry from Williams Sonoma or The Pottery Barn or maybe Restoration 
Hardware because I'm white and that's what white people do. 

* I even bought my friend's kid a Baby Van Gogh Color Go-Round from 
Playskool for his first birthday, even though I could have easily given the 
kid a stick and he would have never known the difference. 

* I bought a delicious, home-cooked meal from a family fun restaurant where 
washboards, yield signs and wooden airplane propellers hang on the wall. 
Wow, did an airplane crash here years ago? It's like eating dinner in 
somebody's attic. "I'll have the chicken fingers and cricket bat in the 
corner. What do you mean it's not for sale? Let me see your manager, Brad." 
But Brad rolls with the punches. Brad's a waiter emeritus. In his years at 
TGI McApplebyChillisBennigans, he's seen it all (too much if you ask Brad). 
He's got a belly-full of killing or mozzarella sticks. He thought he'd be 
waiting tables just until he finished college, but then he woke up one day, 
37 years old, wearing a red & white striped shirt with a button that 
says "Mean People Suck." 

For the full article please visit http://www.thebigjewel.com/valueadded

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  • » [thebigjewel] Value Added, Then Subtracted - July 17, 2002