[thebigjewel] Value Added, Then Subtracted - July 17, 2002
- From: "The Big Jewel" <list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: thebigjewel@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Wed, 17 Jul 2002 05:14:49 -0600 (MDT)
* Welcome to another weekly email of 'The Big Jewel's Hilarious Weekly
Email.' Hope all is well in everyone's respective neck of the woods and, as
always, please email us back if it isn't, with instructions on how we can
help. This week's article is called Value Added, Then Subtracted by a
newcomer to The Big Jewel, Cory Laslocky. Have a great week.
---
Value Added, Then Subtracted
By Cory Laslocky
I'm Cory Laslocky. You've probably seen me in "Tall, Pale & Flabby"
magazine. I live alone. I own two cats. Occasionally, I like to listen to
the Pet Shop Boys. I wash my hair with Pantene with pro vitamin E. Just
thought I'd tell you...Christmas is only is only six months away.
I hate buying things. I hate it.
Who am I kidding? I love it.
Everyday, around the world, over one billion Coca-Cola products are
consumed. A billion a day. That's one in six people living on the planet. I
once thought that the meaning of life was to make the lives of those around
you better. Apparently, I was misinformed. Consumption is the meaning of
life. Consume, consume, consume. This is how we've come to judge ourselves
as people. This is how we take stock in our own personal inventory.
I am a good person because:
* I bought a $56,000 Cadillac SUV, which gets four feet to the tank, so
that I can handle the rugged terrain of Jersey Turnpike, Exit 4 in style.
* I bought 18 pairs of Gap khakis in Tan, Olive, Sunrise and Cranberry. I
wear them when I talk to other men about my lawn. Somewhere, children are
dying of AIDS. Somewhere else, people are hunted down in the street because
of their religion. And each day, the planet dies a little more. But my lawn
is green, damn it. And you can have my mulch when you pry it from my cold,
dead hand.
* I bought a subscription to the Olsen Twins magazine (Mary-Kate and
Ashley) because years from now when they're all coked up and strung out of
Zoloft, doing double-penetration, girl-on-girl flicks, I can look back on a
time when they were just young, sweet, innocent commodities.
* I bought crack-cocaine because for life's aches and pains there's no
better non-prescription pain reliever (available in ghettos everywhere and
Target).
* I bought tampons. From the commercials, it seems like it's so much fun to
have your period. "Weee, look at me. I'm hemorrhaging and climbing a
mountain." Or "My pads got wings. I can fly. I can fly." Somewhere in the
bowels of Playtex's corporate headquarters, a person is using the precious
hours of their life (hours that could be spent with their kids, a favorite
aunt, or painting sea shells for the blind), hours you never get back so
that "at the end of the day," the Playtex "brand" of sanitary napkins is
better "positioned."
* I bought $56 sterling-silver measuring cups off my cousin's wedding
registry from Williams Sonoma or The Pottery Barn or maybe Restoration
Hardware because I'm white and that's what white people do.
* I even bought my friend's kid a Baby Van Gogh Color Go-Round from
Playskool for his first birthday, even though I could have easily given the
kid a stick and he would have never known the difference.
* I bought a delicious, home-cooked meal from a family fun restaurant where
washboards, yield signs and wooden airplane propellers hang on the wall.
Wow, did an airplane crash here years ago? It's like eating dinner in
somebody's attic. "I'll have the chicken fingers and cricket bat in the
corner. What do you mean it's not for sale? Let me see your manager, Brad."
But Brad rolls with the punches. Brad's a waiter emeritus. In his years at
TGI McApplebyChillisBennigans, he's seen it all (too much if you ask Brad).
He's got a belly-full of killing or mozzarella sticks. He thought he'd be
waiting tables just until he finished college, but then he woke up one day,
37 years old, wearing a red & white striped shirt with a button that
says "Mean People Suck."
For the full article please visit http://www.thebigjewel.com/valueadded
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