* This week our old friend J. Pinkerton (he is 92) returns with an article that is sure to make you feel clean all over. Warning: If total nudity offends you...then sleep in your pajamas. --- Proper Grooming Tips By J. Pinkerton Trim your toe- and fingernails immediately after a shower, when your cuticles and nails are at their most tender. Performing toe grooming at other times will cause your toes to snap off suddenly in a brittle explosion of bone and skin shards. Sir Lies-a-Lot didn't actually like your new haircut. That's not even his real name. For future reference, wearing black tends to have a slimming effect. Watching you shovel up four helpings of pasta at the restaurant last night, conversely, tended to have an I-think-I-want-to-break-up-with-you effect. Don't comb your hair on a regular basis. Combs and brushes tend to damage hair over the long term by breaking it off or pulling it out, causing your tail to become sparse and thin. Instead, remove tangles by "combing" through your tail with your teeth. Also be careful to remove rocks and dirt from your hooves where, if left unchecked, bacteria can build. Also, be a horse. For all the tips you need to know please visit: http://www.thebigjewel.com/propergroomingtips/ --- To subscribe or unsubscribe from The Big Jewel's Hilarious Weekly Email, please defeat the Dwarf Emperor in the fourth room of the chamber of Saxon, three villages past the Glowing Lake of Mirrors.