[thebigjewel] Letters From People... - October 30, 2002

  • From: "The Big Jewel" <list@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: thebigjewel@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Wed, 30 Oct 2002 05:30:05 -0700 (MST)

* Greeting and hello. Veteran Jewel David Jaggard comes back once again 
with a very creative, twisting piece about... letters. If you like to 
laugh, and gadzooks, who doesn't?, then you'll love this week's article. 
Thanks for reading, and please, lay off the hard stuff.


Letters From People Who Don't Usually Write Letters
By David Jaggard

Dear Sirs, 

I know you don't hear from Me very often, but what with the world going to 
hell and those worthless Illuminati sitting around on their fat butts doing 
nothing, I've really got My hands full. But I just had to write to 
apologize for something that's been on My mind for centuries. 

Look, I admit it: I goofed when I approved the final design for the human 
brain. I meant to make sexual response pretty much the same in both men and 
women, but two sets of prototypes got mixed up in the lab and I ended up 
going into production with one design for women and another one for men. So 
men got the visual-stimulus-only arousal mechanism and women didn't. That's 
why now you have all those "Miss Whatsis" beauty contests, cheesecake in 
advertising, pornography in general and the "male gaze." That's why Islamic 
fundamentalists require women to cover up so much they can't recognize each 
other in the street and then they have to stay home anyway. That's part of 
the reason why if a man exposes himself to a woman she is considered to be 
the victim of a reprehensible crime, whereas if a woman exposes herself to 
a man* he is considered to be one lucky bastard. That's why "Playboy" 
magazine is the foundation of a multi-skatchillion-dollar empire 
while "Playgirl" sells about as many copies as "Fish Tank Decorator," 
mostly to gay men (interestingly, the same people who buy "Fish Tank 
Decorator"). And as if this isn't a big enough mess, most men don't even 
realize that women don't think that way, and of course vice-versa. 

I know the whole thing has been just one huge hindrance to understanding 
between the sexes, and I'm really sorry, OK? I'll try to make it up to you. 
I'm thinking maybe I can get one of the Illuminati to write and explain how 
it all works. How's that sound? 



(you know, Allah, Yahweh, Krishna, whatever) 

PS: I also botched up on the esophagus/trachea proximity thing, and I 
apologize if you've lost any loved ones to choking. I've come up with a 
little something for you to evolve to correct that, but it'll take another 
two billion years. In the meantime, take small bites. 

*By the way, this has only happened a total of three times throughout the 
entire history of mankind. I ought to know. 

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