--- Begin Message ---
- From: "Richard Sawyer" <bahia@xxxxxxx>
- To: "ELIZABETH KABAT" <cissyhk@xxxxxxx>, "Kathy Grupp" <kathygrupp@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "mark sawyer" <mechmark@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, "Matthew Sawyer" <matlor2004@xxxxxxxxx>, "Teresa Marlow" <tmarlow1016@xxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 14 Sep 2007 13:27:29 -0600
Subject: TX Chili Cook-Off
Poor Judge 3
Chilli cook off..I was in tears from laughing so hard!!!!
It will be hard not to laugh out loud. You've had to have lived in Texas to
understand.
If you can read this whole story without laughing, then there's no hope for
you.
Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was visiting from
Springfield , IL .
Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off.
The original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to be
standing there at the
judge's table, asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call
came in.
I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy;
and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted and became Judge 3."
Here are the scorecard notes from the event:
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) - Holy crud, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove
dried paint from your driveway.
Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These
Texans are crazy.
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN 'S AFTERBURNER CHILI...
Judge # 1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously
Judge # 3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm
supposed to taste besides pain.
I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver
They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...
Judge # 1 - Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Judge # 2 - A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 - Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I
have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my
chest.
I'm getting shit faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...
Judge # 1 - Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other
mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 - I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste
it.
Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing
behind me with fresh refills.
This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT...just like this nuclear waste I'm
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...
Judge # 1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the
cayenne peppers make
a strong statement.
Judge # 3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no
longer focus my eyes.
I farted, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed
offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from
bleeding by pouring beer
directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It
really ticks me off that the
other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...
Judge # 1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and
peppers.
Judge # 2 - The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb.
Judge # 3 - My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric
flames.
I crapped on myself when I farted, and I'm worried it will eat through the
chair.
No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips
anymore.
I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMIN G SENSATION CHILI...
Judge # 1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili
peppers at the last moment.
**I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3.
He appears to be a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't
feel a thing.
I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water.
My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants
are full of lava
to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me.
I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any oxygen anyway.
If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI......
Judge # 1 - T he perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but
spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge # 2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot.
Sorry to see that most
of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the
chili pot down on top of himself.
Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted
to really hot chili?
Judge # 3 - No Report
Stacey Drab
Kellogg Morning Foods, HEB team
12718 West Cypress Pass Loop
Cypress, TX 77429
office 281-304-8306
mobile 832-256-2169
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