[SKRIVA] Julnovell: Santaleaks

  • From: Ahrvid Engholm <ahrvid@xxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: <skriva@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <sverifandom@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <skrivfantasy@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <novellmastarna@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <sskak@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <sfsfsf@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Sun, 26 Dec 2010 20:57:46 +0100

(Skriver gärna, givet tid och någon rolig idé, en jul- och/eller nyårsnovell av 
mer roande slag. Nedan årets upplaga. Då jag är med på div engelskspråkiga 
listor blir det på engelska, och det här med Wikileaks är ju dessutom ganska 
internationellt. Enjoy!

"This is a disaster!" Mr Kringle said to his chief Elf. "Do you really mean 
that our entire Naughty List has been published on...wassits name...the 
  "Internet, boss," the Chief Elf Said. "You know, that's why our client wish 
lists these days have a lot of computers, game consoles and so on. You remember 
we had to beef up our electronics workshop! Now this Wikileaks has the Naughty 
List. Our security service is presently investigating who leaked or possible 
left the list on a reindeer sleigh seat."
  "Anyway," Santa - a k a Kris Kringle - continued. "Our Naughty List must be 
secret. The business depends on that the little boys and girls have a element 
of surprise. Will Santa come? Will I get what I wish for?"
  Mr Kringle sighed and turned to the huge stock of paper on his desk.
  "Look here. Here we for instance have one Julian, Australia.... Hm, that's 
strange, it doesn't say if he has been naughty or not. Apparently his case has 
been appealed. Have a look into that, Chief Elf!"
  "Will do. And here's another strange wish list. One Little Teddy, for 
  "Bear with me. As far as we can see it's just a grumpy old fool, who just 
*behaves* like a child. It doesn't count. Now, what I would wish for, if that's 
even allowed for Santa, are some ideas of what to do with our Naughty List. The 
whole thing isn't much of a surprise now. Not when all the kids have these 
computers we have delivered."
  "We're looking into it, boss."
  "Fine, Elf! Meanwhile, I need to take a leak... No, I shouldn't say that, 
should I?"

Mr Kringle went out of his North Pole office and crossed the snowy yard enroute 
to his nearby mansion. He passed the reindeer stables, where Dasher, Dancer, 
Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donder and Blitzen were busy chewing the 
genetically modified hay - implanted with bird DNA - the cause of their 
surprising high-flying abilities.
  Santa stopped for a moment. The Aurora Borealis overhead was strong this 
night. He did indeed have a magic, undisturbed realm up here. A nice little 
home, with no disturbing neighbours, if you didn't count Superman and his 
Fortress of Solitude, somewhere over that mountain ridge. But Supie was seldom 
there and he was a Good Guy anyway. He had even given the reindeers some flying 
lessons. Near the horizon far away in the snowy desert Santa thought he saw 
some flickering lights.
  It could be these IPCC guys again, he thought, putting cigarette lighters to 
their thermometers when they though nobody looked. Santa found the bathroom to 
the left of the mansion's entrance, did his thing (no, he didn't actually take 
a bath!), and went to the kitchen.
  Mrs Kringle was busy preparing all the Christmas food. The elves were a 
hungry bunch.
  "Is everything alright, dearest?" she asked as she put some ginger cookies 
into the owen.
  "Not exactly, sweetheart. I got some disturbing news. It seems our entire 
Naughty List is out there on this...Internets. I think I need a stiff one."
  Mrs Kringle nodded and sighed.
  Santa went to the shelf for Christmas Spirit and contemplated the eggnog or 
the mulled wine. Finally he settled for some dark Christmas Brew. You shouldn't 
get too juiced up when these important holidays were coming up.
  "A leaked Naughty List doesn't sound good, dearest. I know you work hard, and 
then something like this..."
  "Well, I don't have to work as hard as some silly calculations claim. It's 
only in the Anglo-Saxon world that the little boys and girls must have their 
presents on December 25th. In Scandinavia or in Spain for instance, December 
24th is The Day. In Russia, from the Julian calendar, it's January 6th. That's 
also the date for France and Austria. Some Orthodox Churches favour January 
7th, the Armenian ones even January 19th. Parts of Slavic Europe even do their 
christmas gifts on New Year's Eve. And then we have Holland, when the presents 
are presented on December 5th. So I actually have more than half a dozen 
working days, which is further extended by operating in different time zones. 
And since I do have to go pretty fast, time dilation is on my side too."
  Mr Kringle opened his beer. He took a deep, silent gulp and then brushed off 
some foam from his long, white beard. What was he to do with the Naughty List?
  "This Wikileaks stuff worries me," he commented to Mrs Kringle. "It's not the 
fact that the little boys and girls become aware of Santa's naughty 
assessments. I think little Bobby already knows that he has been very, very 
naughty. It's the element of surprise that is lost. They could even stage a 
sort of ambush when I'm climbing down the chimney and film how I do it, a trick 
I haven't revealed to anyone - except to that young Harry Boy ages ago... I 
think his name was Houdini."
  He took another gulp of the sweet, dark Christmas beer.
  "We must preserve the element of surprise at all cost!"

Santa slept a deep but somewhat troubled sleep. He tended to sleep much to gain 
strength, before all these busy days in December and January when he had to 
perform his duty. In the spring and summer the first wish lists began to 
arrive, and as autumn came he had to begin collating all the info for the 
Naughty List. But all that was reasonably laid-back work and he had lots of 
elves to help out. It was now that the really busy weeks came.
  But now the Naughty List had been leaked. Holy reindeer spillings! Santa 
jerked back and forth in his bed. Mrs Kringle left him alone, and besides she 
wasn't yet done with all her cooking. Santa dreamt steamy dreams about a hot 
date with the Tooth Fairy. (Not that he didn't love his wife, but a guy can 
dream, can't he! Dreams are especially common when you actually sleep, 
scientists say.)
  Maybe it was the erotic dimensions of Santa's thought-paths or the wonderful 
smell of the roasted Christmas ham that seeped up from the kitchen, but 
suddenly Santa had the solution! He woke up and made some quick notes in his 
bedside calendar. Mrs Kringle soon joined her husband in the bed, and got her 
Christmas present. (Twice - it was that time of year, after all.)
  Next morning Santa was in a much better mode.
  "You know, honey" he said to Mrs Kringle. "This problem I told you about. I 
found out how to solve it. If the thing is to make my humble visit a surprise, 
nothing can be more surprising if I come when the children don't expect it."
  "What do you mean, dearest one?" Mrs Kringle asked.
  "I'll just shuffle the dates! Scandinavian Kids will expect me December 24th, 
but what if I come December 25th instead! And American kids could get their 
present another date. It might upset some people and '60 Minutes' may make a 
story out of it: 'New Doubts Upon the Existence of Santa Claus'. But I will 
come and it will be a surprise!"
  "Yes, it is a surprise when you come," Mrs Kringle said quietly. But in a 
louder voice she added: "That's wonderful. Do you think it will work?"
  "We already have the infrastructure, the production lines and so on to handle 
all the different Christmas-present dates. It's a small thing to switch them 
back and forth a bit."
  And so it happened that this year, for instance all the North American 
children - to their huge surprise - saw their stockings being filled already 
December 5th. But after all, an early Christmas was actually very appropriate! 
It's not only that the snow came much earlier every year, but we can easily see 
how all the shops and malls begin their Christmas campaigns already in 

--Ahrvid Engholm

Ps. A Blurry Christmas and a Sloppy New Year to all of you!
ahrvid@xxxxxxxxxxx / Gå med i SKRIVA - för författande, sf, fantasy, kultur 
(skriva-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx, subj: subscribe) YXSKAFTBUD, GE VÅR WCZONMÖ 
IQ-HJÄLP! (DN NoN 00.02.07)Om Ahrvids novellsamling Mord på månen: 
http://www.zenzat.se/zzfaktasi.html C Fuglesang: "stor förnöjelse...jättebra 
historier i mycket sannolik framtidsmiljö"!                                     
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