[ SHOWGSD-L ] OT -- not doggy, but Christmas-y, at least

From: "Peggy" <pmick12@xxxxxxxxxxx>
To: <Showgsd-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
Date: Sun, 14 Dec 2008 08:36:36 -0500
      This is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to 
find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. It won first prize.

      Christmas With Louise

      As a joke, my brother Jay used to hang a pair of panty hose over his 
fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill 
them.
      What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because 
every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings overflowed, his poor 
pantyhose hung sadly empty.

      One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses 
and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things 
at Wal-Mart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

      If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only
      confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does 
this do?" "You're kidding me!" "Who would buy that?"
      Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

      I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also 
substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane 
during rush hour.

      Finding what I wanted was difficult. "Love Dolls" come in many
      different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the 
box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled 
for "Lovable Louise." She was at the bottom of the price scale.

      To call Louise a "doll" took a huge leap of imagination.

      On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came 
to life.

      My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee
      morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the 
dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some 
cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went 
home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

      The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his 
house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog 
confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some 
more.

      We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest 
of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional 
Christmas ndinner.

      My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. 
"Whatn the hell is that?" she asked.

      My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

      "Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

      I kept my mouth shut.

      "Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

      "Boy, that turkey sure smells nice, Gran," Jay said, to steer her
      into dining room.

      But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any
      teeth?"

      Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no 
one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, 
hang on!"

      My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to 
me and said, " Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

      I told him she was Jay's friend.

      A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to 
Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we 
realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

      The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, 
who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise 
like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the 
mantel,
      flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa. 
The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran 
across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth
      resuscitation.

      My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

      Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the 
car.

      It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

      Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to 
decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had 
suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

      Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her 
to perfect health.

      I can't wait until next Christmas


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[ SHOWGSD-L ] OT -- not doggy, but Christmas-y, at least

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