The more I think, the more I wonder if I'm doing the right thing, giving up on conformation. I'll be the first to admit that the whole reason I wanted to show in the first place, was for ME, to have fun. I don't like using handlers, mostly because it means I just stand outside the ring and double, and I find no joy in it. Win or lose, I've never cared. I just liked being in the ring with my dog. The disappoinments have been all too much recently...ears not standing, testicles not dropping, missing teeth, and, the worst of all, the death of Zan. I went to my mum's house to pick up some laundry and a trash can, and, even though I said "leave them alone" my little brother went outside and opened the car door, and Zan got out. Somebody also left the backyard gate open, and his dog got out. It was 7 at night, it was dark, and I looked as hard as I could, and I just couldn't see him. To be truthful, much as everybody says it's not Austin's fault, I believe it is, because if he had listened in the first place, Zan wouldn't have gotten loose, and likely, he would still be here. I very much love to show, my mother has even offered to buy me a new show dog when I was ready, but really, she just can't afford to, and I can't afford to take an animal with a ton of show potential, and only show it once or twice a month (which is what I was going to do with Zander, and the breeders were fine with that, as long as he was finished). I don't like to special my animals, because being in the top standings in the working lists is more important to me than the conformation standings. When Zander had finished, my plans were to start herding with him, and do agility. Can't do that now. I spent every single last penny I had on him, and I invested every single bit of love I could in him. He lived in a kennel for two years, but I wanted to end that for him, and I wanted a show dog. So I bought him. I had him for only four weeks. He adored car rides, he loved to sleep on my bed (or rather, on me), he'd do anything for a hot dog, and really, he would have done anything for me. I've been considering trying a co-ownership with somebody local, but the thought of trying and failing again has made me physically ill, even though I want to show so badly sometimes, I swear I actually physically itch. I wasn't born into a show family, it wasn't until I was 18 and too old for juniors that I realized this was something I wanted to do, so I tried to put my foot in the door. I think my foot has been broken several times over, said door has been slammed on it so many times, but I keep it there. I'm not sure if it's because I'm an idiot, or because this is what I'm supposed to do, but it's still there, bruised, and broken, much like my heart right now. Part of me feels like I'd be betraying my Zan, to get another show dog, when he was supposed to be the one for me, and part of me feels I'm betraying myself if I don't. When I first met that dog, I just knew I was for him, and he was for me, and I think that he knew it too. Joel pushed Cheryl and Jim and James to let me have him, and I got him. And Joel drove an hour to see me when I called to tell him of Zander's death. Many of you have seemed to be able to find some meaning in Zan's death, while I have not. I feel guilt, bitterness, I find fault with the one who let him out, I certainly find no Solace in God, since that is an ideaology I gave up when I was 11, and I find even less comfort in those who have told me "He was just a dog." Zander was more than "just a dog" to me. For somebody to say that to me, is like me telling them their child isn't special, just because it is another child. Strauss is my heart dog, but Zander is the dog that allowed me to open it, and, though I ended up poor as dirt, and had to scrape to pay my bills (which I have done), I didn't care. I was happy. He was happy. I am very much drained from this whole thing, and I wonder why I still itch so badly to show, it feels like I've got fleas. I feel compelled to leave it alone, even though I seem to be surrounded by backscratchers and the like. So tell me, my Zan, what do I do? - Jackie Marcato Shepherds Where it's about function, not flash -----Original Message----- From: Gsdhilo To: Marcato GSD Sent: Mon, 7 Nov 2005 12:13:30 PM Eastern Standard Time Subject: German Shepherds Hello, I have just returned from our Nationals ,thus the reason for the delay for answering you. Sorry. I tried to call you today and no answer. I would be interested in talking with you. Please call when you get a chance. Thank you. Georgia + Phil Miller Hi/Lo Kennel's 117 Duffie Rd. Simpsonville S.C. 29681 Shop: 864-967-4822 (8 AM to 8 PM) Fax:864-228-9539 ============================================================================ POST is Copyrighted 2005. All material remains the property of the original author and of GSD Communication, Inc. NO REPRODUCTIONS or FORWARDS of any kind are permitted without prior permission of the original author AND of the Showgsd-l Management. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. ALL PERSONS ARE ON NOTICE THAT THE FORWARDING, REPRODUCTION OR USE IN ANY MANNER OF ANY MATERIAL WHICH APPEARS ON SHOWGSD-L WITHOUT THE EXPRESS PERMISSION OF ALL PARTIES TO THE POST AND THE LIST MANAGEMENT IS EXPRESSLY FORBIDDEN, AND IS A VIOLATION OF LAW. VIOLATORS OF THIS PROHIBITION WILL BE PROSECUTED. For assistance, please contact the List Management at admin@xxxxxxxxxxxx VISIT OUR WEBSITE - http://www.showgsd.org ============================================================================