[ SHOWGSD-L ] Fred & Wilma Buy Their First Breeding Bitch
- From: Barbara Galasso <uwish@xxxxxxxxxx>
- To: showgsd-l@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Thu, 16 Mar 2006 10:19:12 -0500
Okay folks, I've gotten many letters from people asking me when the next
installment to my Fred & Wilma spoof is going to be written. This is
probably about the 6th. or 7th. one in the series. So here you
go.....the continuing saga of Fred & Wilma. I hope it gives you a
couple of chuckles to start your day. Best, Barbara
Fred & Wilma Buy Their
First Breeding Bitch (part 1)
by
Barbara J. Galasso
"Hey Wilma," Fred calls out from the bedroom, "can you come in here and
help me find my other sock?" I can't find the other sock that matches
this one." Wilma yells back to him from the kitchen, "you'll have to
wait a minute Fred until I turn these pancakes over."
A minute later she joins him in the bedroom. "All right Fred, which
sock are you looking for?" she asks him. "I'm looking for my other white
sock to go with this one," he tells her holding up the lone sock. Wilma
goes to his dresser and finds it shoved under all the other socks and
underwear that lay in disarray in the drawer. "Here it is, Freddie
boy," she proclaims as she hands it to him.
"Boy they sure look awful gray and dingy looking to me Wilma," he says
in protest. "Do you think you can add a little more bleach next time
you wash my underdrawers and socks?" he asks her. "Are you complaining
like usual Fred?" she asks him in an agitated voice.
"I mean how much does bleach cost if you get the store brand Wilma?"
Is it really going to break us if you add a little more bleach to my
clothes?' Fred taunts her.
"You want more bleach?" she asks him. "I'll give you more bleach". With
that she goes into the laundry room, brings back the bottle of bleach
into the bedroom, opens Fred's dresser drawer, removes it and dumps all
his underclothes on top of his head as he sits on the side of the bed
with one sock on and one sock off. "Now you can bleach your clothes to
your hearts content she tells him. With that she stomps out of the room.
The aroma of burnt pancakes finds its way down the hall to the bedroom
and Fred doesn't even want to entertain the idea of what Wilma will do
next. Just then Fred hears a loud scream and profanity coming from the
kitchen and he decides it's a better idea just to stay where he is and
bury himself under his underwear that is scattered all over the bed.
When Fred finally musters enough courage to come into the kitchen, he
finds that the burnt pancakes are thrown into the garbage pail. Wilma
turns to him as he opens the refrigerator door and says to him, "Well
are you finally ready to go down to New Jersey to pick up our new puppy
today?
In an unenthusiastic voice, he answers her, "Yeah, I guess so, but
first I got to find something to eat." "Oh no you don't," she tells
him. We're leaving now. We've got a long ride ahead of us. We need to
get going if we're ever going to make it there on time." Fred protests,
and says, "I can't go for a long trip like that without anything in my
stomach Wilma."
"Well then, you should have thought of that before you made me burn the
pancakes Fred," she says with an angry lift to her eyebrow. "Grab
yourself a cup of coffee and you can get something on the road", she
tells him.
"I'm telling you right now, Wilma this dog stuff is really getting on my
nerves. Dogs this, dogs that. How about my needs? Don't my needs ever
matter Wilma? "Your needs matter all right," she tells him. "And what
you need to do right now, is getting that little posterior of yours with
your never ending mouth into the car and let's get going." Fred knows
when Wilma gets that look on her face, it's time for him to shut up and
get into the car. But he just can't resist one last outburst.
"Well I'll tell you one thing Wilma, I'm hungry and when we get on
Interstate 95, I'm taking one of the exits and pulling over to one of
those" Flip the Burger" joints and getting myself a triple stack with
the works. "Whatever", she says and with a huff, walks into the garage
to get into the car.
"So Wilma, did you get the directions from that breeder, what's her
name?" "Her names Barbara Fame-A-Don, Fred. Now please don't go
forgetting the woman's name when we get to her place," she chastises
him. And yes, I've got the directions right here on the dash board."
"So tell me again about this puppy that we're going to look at today,"
Fred asks her. Wilma replies, "Well she told me that she received my
deposit and that the puppies are now12 weeks old. I told her we wanted
one of her best puppies so when she grows up we can take Jimmy's advice
and breed her to that famous dog, "Sight for Swollen Eyes". "You know
the one that they call Houston?"
"Did you ever hear of such a stupid name in your life Wilma?" he asks
her repeating the dogs name. "Whoever heard of calling a dog "Swollen
Eyes", I ask you? "What ever you do Fred, don't go saying anything like
that to her."
"Yeah, yeah, and so how much is this puppy that we're buying to breed
to this "Swollen Eye" dog going to set me back?" Fred asks her. "I don't
know Fred. She said she'd discuss that with us when she meets us."
"Well I can tell you right now Wilma; I'm not taking out a second
mortgage to buy this puppy. We paid $450 for Koochie and he was the
pick of the litter, so don't think I'm paying too much more for this
one," he tells her.
"And I'm telling you Fred, if you embarrass me in front of this woman,
one of us will be walking home tonight and it won't be me." Before he
has a chance to answer her she says, "Oh look Fred, over there. There's
a convenience store. Quick, pull the car over for a moment," she
instructs him. "What for?" he asks her.
"I want to get a coffee cake to bring to Mrs. Fame a Don as a good will
gesture. Besides you want to get something to eat, don't you? You can
pick yourself up a buttered roll or something." "I don't want any
buttered roll he shouts. I told you I'm stopping at Flip the Burger."
"I tell you Fred, sometimes I don't know how much more of your
aggravation I can take in my later years," Wilma says holding her
chest. "Your later years, Wilma? What do you mean by your later
years? Fred questions her. You're only 42 years old for Pete's sake.
Lord help me when you're 62 Wilma, that's all I've got to say. Lord
help me." Wilma decides to ignore him and for the rest of the ride
pouts all the way down to New Jersey.
Three hours later, Fred and Wilma pull up in front of Barbara
Fame-A-Don's house. Fred turns to Wilma and says, "Well here we are
Wilma at the famous Fame-A-Don kennels." "Finally", she says looking at
him to make sure he looks all right before they get out of the car.
Fred goes to open the door to get out and Wilma grabs him by the shirt
sleeve. "Hold on a minute", she tells him. "Look at you". You can't
go in there looking like that". "Like what?" he asks her. "You got
poppy seeds all down the front of your shirt," she tells him.
Fred looks down and realizes what she says is true. Then he turns to
her and screams in her face, "Damn you woman, if you let me stop at Flip
the Burger as I wanted to instead of getting the buttered roll with all
the poppy seeds on it, I wouldn't be looking this way now would I?"
"Yeah, and you also got a poppy seed in between you're two front teeth",
she says with a giggle.
Fred reaches in his back pocket to get his tooth pick. He pulls his
visor down and starts picking at his teeth. "See Wilma how handy these
little lights on the visor come in." Just then they here a tap at the
window. They turn around and Barbara Fame A Don is standing there with
a forced smile on her face. She just knows she's in for a migraine
making day with these two. "Well hello" she says to her guests. "You
finally made it. I hope your trip was a good one."
Wilma is so excited to be at the famous lady's kennel. She can barely
contain her enthusiasm. She has a big smile on her face as she hands
the Entenmanns coffee cake to Mrs. Fame A Don. Mrs. Fame A Don is
thinking to herself, "Charming, a boxed coffee cake from the corner
grocery store. Thanks so much for thinking of me," she forces herself
to say with a half hearted smile.
Fred whispers in Wilma's ear that he needs to use the bathroom, and she
gives him an elbow to his side and he grimaces in pain and says, "What'd
you do that for Wilma?" Barbara turns around to him and says, "Are you
talking to me?" Wilma shoots him a dirty look and he says, "Oh I was
just commenting on what a nice place you have here."
She turns around and with her nose held up a little too high in the air
for Fred's liking says, "Yes, isn't it."
(To be
continued)
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