Same - and yes I saw your feedback - thank you Tru :)
On Sun, 20 Jan 2019 at 03:25, Maureen Sexton <dmarc-noreply@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
wrote:
I just use reply as well. It seems to work.
*Maureen Sexton*
0435024616
maureensexton@xxxxxxxxxxxx
'The haiku has this rather fantasmagorical property: that we always
suppose we ourselves can write such things easily.' Roland Barthes
*LIFE IS DRAWING WITHOUT A PENCIL*
On Saturday, 19 January 2019, 7:54:12 pm AWST, J V Birch <
dmarc-noreply@xxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Hey Tru, I've been using reply, which seems to go to our poetryseason2
group, so assuming everyone sees my feedback...?
On Sat, 19 Jan 2019 at 22:09, Tru Dowling
<purplepoet@xxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:
Thanks Andy, Julie & Emilie, I really appreciate your valuable feedback.
It’s hard to know what is working or overdone when you’re in the middle of
creating. You’ve certainly given me food for thought. Also did others get
my feedback? I’m a little unsure whether to hit just reply or reply to all
when responding. What are you all doing?
Sent from my iPhone
On 19 Jan 2019, at 3:39 pm, Andy Jackson <andyjackson71@xxxxxxxxxxx>
wrote:
Hi Tru,
Yes, "Immersion" is an immersive and passionate poem, congrats. The
language is musical and condensed, so that there's a sense of depth and
resonance to it. The line-breaks, too, enhance the drama. The poem has a
really convincing climax in the last three stanzas, so much so that you (I
think) get away with the exclamation mark :) The only radical suggestion I
have for re-working the poem would be to write one from the perspective of
the ocean to you. But, back to this poem. I wonder about "you hum // a
constancy" - do you mean something like "your hum is constant" or literally
"you hum 'constancy'"? Overall, also I'd be tempted to cut the poem back
just slightly - eg "(dragged along before, ahead, around) // fluidity
relentless" and "staves and moods / your quavers and quatrains" (do we need
four, or would two or three musical references be enough?). I'm also a
little distracted by "illegitimate" - how are the sea's sequences not
legitimate and how does this fit into the poem? And, finally, is the
subtitle "turns" important? I wonder if "immersion" is enough. Still,
there's a lot to find pleasure in this poem - and, indeed, its pleasures
don't contradict (rather they enhance) the desire for immersion or oblivion
it revolves around. Beautiful.
Andy Jackson
http://amongtheregulars.com/
On Sat, Jan 19, 2019, at 12:17 PM, jvbirch wrote:
Hi Tru
Wow, what an atmospheric poem. I love the intricacies at play here,
creating an almost ethereal quality. Stand outs for me were:
Comparing the sea to being ‘fluid as worry’
‘makes unmakes’ (effective as a stand-alone line)
‘Though tuneless, whoops and whooshes and wheels like a bird’s wing
searching for its mirror’
‘I am lured by wet tongues that strive to lick the shore’
And then the whole ‘Howl to me, waters!’ is just brilliant. I wonder if
‘Tree-tips edged black lace’ should be in the present tense, as you’re
describing a scene unfolding, and consider losing the last line so the poem
simply ends on ‘reborn’.
Julie
*From: *purplepoet purplepoet <purplepoet@xxxxxxxxxxx>
*Sent: *Friday, 18 January 2019 12:28 PM
*To: *poetryseason2@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
*Subject: *[poetryseason2] Tru's poetry draft wk 1
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