Hi Mary,
"War" has a really compelling and deceptively laconic tone. As others
have said, it has such resonance with (I expect) almost everyone - how
we're so often trying to be present, but pulled away by our bodies, our
thoughts, and the shadow of negative work experiences. There are some
stunning, memorable phrases, which work with sound as well as image -
"half torsos / a pair of legs mid hand-stand", "the discomfort of thongs
/ I take off my sarong and hat", "the yacht and the ocean liner clash on
the horizon". And, yes, the tone, which is direct, undramatic and
intimate, only serves to underline the punch of the ending. I do have a
slight uncertainty around the line "no matter what the season" - it
perhaps feels a little too broad and general - could there be something
more specific? or two examples of context? or maybe even "no matter
what's happening" - maybe it's "season" that feels a bit odd. There's
nothing terribly wrong with the line, but it just jarred slightly for
me. And is it right to say "that scowl / she wears ... tomorrow", in
terms of tense - "she will be wearing again" or something like that?
Also, as a minor aesthetic thing, I tend towards numbers being spelt out
(eg "two"), but that's totally your call. Numerals might match the tone
of the poem better, actually. Finally, I'm not entirely sure "War" is
the right title - I assume you're suggesting the conflict at work, but
"war" connotes something bigger, more organised. You could try
something more small, one-on-one; or even go towards an opposite, like
"calm" or "clouds". These are minor quibbles though. Great poem.
Cheers,
Oh, and apologies for the complications around emailing and this
group. Hope together we can sort that out, so it's not a distraction
for you. Cheers,
Andy Jackson
http://amongtheregulars.com/
On Sun, Jan 20, 2019, at 10:39 AM, Emilie Collyer wrote:
Hi Mary
You have such a great dry tone in this poem. I really like how it
moves from that 'almost' neurotic self-awareness out to the landscape
and back again, neatly mirroring how we are constantly doing that in
our everyday lives.>
I really like the humour of the ending - and that familiar punch of
having to return to work after holidays.>
Especially like these lines:
2 young girls peel
I wonder about the discomfort of thongs
I take off my tent of sarong and hat
unsandal
try to sort out the argument
my body was having with my bathers
Not sure if you need the next line about it being sorted with a dip -
that seems to make it too neat - rather than leave us with the very
funny image of that argument :)>
Could imagine it with even more of a range of external images and
internal impressions to really build that feeling of both belonging
(we are all at the beach) and isolation (I am alone).>
Cheers
Emilie
On Fri, 18 Jan 2019 at 18:53, Mary Stone
<marybs@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx> wrote:>> Hi Everyone,
Sorry this is so late. Here's mine at the wart's stage. It's in
Rich Text Format (an .rtf file) because I don't have Word.>>
Hope that's ok
Cheers
Mary
P.S. Please ignore my Vacation email alert you might see when you see
this - I'm on leave now for a couple of weeks, so have to
activate this.>>
--
Emilie Collyer
0425 761 594
*www.betweenthecracks.net*
*Twitter: @EmilieCollyer*
**
**
I acknowledge the Traditional Owners of the land on which I live and
work. I pay my respects to their Elders, past and present. I
acknowledge that sovereignty was never ceded and that the complexities
of living on this land that remains stolen and occupied are many and
are unresolved. **>
