Thanks Andy! This is great to hear. It started life as a line poem and I
didn't like how it was looking on the page so I fiddled it into this
iteration. But your suggestion - of shaving bits out so it has that 'woozy'
swooning feel could be the key I think. Emilie
On Sat, 19 Jan 2019 at 13:44, Andy Jackson <andyjackson71@xxxxxxxxxxx>
wrote:
Hi Emilie,
I'm sure nerves are pretty much all around (even here). But this is a
really rich poem - in terms of how strongly it evokes a particular scene of
cross-cultural interaction (and the gaps between us), but also in terms of
how it uses form. Effectively, it's a prose poem, but the fact you've
broken the paragraphs mid-sentence creates a really interesting dislocation
to the feeling of reading the poem (which matches what's going on in the
poem) - that raises it to another level. It seems to me you've broken the
phrases in the right places, though you might even want to try some more of
them. My semi-radical suggestion would be to try making the poem into
lineated poem (rather than prose). It could be around twenty-five lines,
for example. Something of the swooning aspect of the poem might be more
foregrounded with lines that were more impressionistic, bleeding into each
other, and fragmentary. Hard for me to say which particular phrases you
should keep or lose - there are many highlights, so it might come down to
your own intuitive sense of what's absolutely necessary. I will say that I
really love the quoted dialogue, the line "you don't fall down, not then",
and the disorienting yet visceral language of the two stanzas from "black
spots swim" to "if you have the means". The title is great, too. As you
know, I've been to India a few times, and this felt so accurate (sensorily
and psychologically), but I think any reader would get it.
Cheers,
Andy Jackson
http://amongtheregulars.com/
On Thu, Jan 17, 2019, at 1:06 PM, Tru Dowling wrote:
Hi Emilie, yr poem gives a real sense of time & place, w dramatic scenes
that evoke a divided, outside voice that is trying to understand. I love
the way you shift from the playground observations to the volunteering
sense of otherness. I found the dialogue injections & questions seemed
organic and strengthened the juxtaposed ‘native’ & ‘other’ positions. Just
a first read response . Great poem, rich in imagery & social conscience I
believe.
Sent from my iPhone
On 16 Jan 2019, at 5:59 pm, Emilie Collyer <emiliecollyer@xxxxxxxxx>
wrote:
Hi all
Here is my first draft first Summer poem: *Learning to lie still*
Nervous! As I'm sure we all are.
And very much looking forward to reading all of yours.
Emilie
--
Emilie Collyer
0425 761 594
*www.betweenthecracks.net <http://www.betweenthecracks.net>*
*Twitter: @EmilieCollyer*
I acknowledge the Traditional Owners of the land on which I live and work. I
pay my respects to their Elders, past and present. I acknowledge that
sovereignty was never ceded and that the complexities of living on this
land that remains stolen and occupied are many and are unresolved.
<Learning to lie still_Emilie Collyer.docx>
