Hi PPs
What a fabulous range of poems. Love the way we’ve all taken different angles.
My comments below. Hoping I haven’t missed anyone. And thanks Mike for
coordinating this. Something to focus on
Julie x
David
Great title and form. Love the lines ‘ Stars are sharp with light’ and ‘With
tight-lipped smiles’. Think some punctuation might help with the read as I
struggled with all the caps.
Rach
Pretty much perfect. Love the lines ‘The sky is a clean blue bowl’ and ‘We
watch the syrup of sunset thicken’. Only suggestion is like Mike says maybe use
another title.
Gaby
Wonderful flowing narrative taking us along in your thoughts and places with
vivid images. Think by losing ‘still’ and the exclamation mark from the final
line would strengthen it.
Louise
Love this tongue in cheek style so you and Bette as Miss M is great. Perfect
title and ending. Is mouth-wash one word usually? Just a thought
Jen
Strong title and concept left me wanting more. Suggest switching lines 3 and 4
like Rach says to reflect the order of life.
Mike
Intriguing title and list style. Love ‘spoken word poets to stop rhyming / bad
spoken word poets to just stop’ made me smile. Suggest making ‘pollen back to
bees’ line 2 in penultimate stanza to flow on from ‘gives’.
Heather
Beautiful stream of consciousness to get lost in. Fab detail and ending.
Poignant lines about the aunt with dementia in a home. Suggest losing ‘ever
ever’ from the last line and making it stand alone.
Kerryn
Wonderful summary of situation and great ending. Like the way it runs on like
one long sentence of thought and opinion. Is there more?
