[lit-ideas] Re: philosophical dreams
- From: "Mike Geary" <atlas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 15 Jan 2009 13:27:40 -0600
VC:
>Who is Steven Wright?
This is Steven Wright:
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark? [my most favorite]
How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth.
On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
"Did you sleep well?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on the
road an hour.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
What's another word for Thesaurus? -- Steven Wright
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
More at http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
Mike Geary
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