[lit-ideas] from the anchor desk at al-Qaeda TV

  • From: Eric Yost <mr.eric.yost@xxxxxxxxx>
  • To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Mon, 03 Oct 2005 13:28:42 -0400

extract of


An Internet video newscast called the Voice of the Caliphate was broadcast for the first time on Monday, purporting to be a production of al Qaeda and featuring an anchorman who wore a black ski mask and an ammunition belt. . . . A copy of the Koran, the Muslim holy book, was placed by his right hand and a rifle affixed to a tripod was pointed at the camera. âThe Washington Post.


âIn Gaza, Jews on the runâsee how they squeal. Along the Gulf Coast
of the Great Satan, a spectacular storm destroys the City of
Homosexuals, New Orleans, and, in infidel-occupied Iraq, a car
bomber drives into a supermarket, creating a fireball in the meat
section, destroying the entire inventory of pork products. But there
was also bad news today: A startling report on new infrared U.S.
helicopter capabilities that may affect the way you commute. The Dow
dips below nine thousand as traders take short-term profits. And,
finally tonight, our Martyr of the Week, someone for whom the phrase
âpluck out the eyes of the crusaderâ is more than just a slogan. In
the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate, good evening.
Iâm Zalwar al-Qamush.

âFirst, a look at the local situation. In Afghanistan, another
tremendous victory. We have this live report from our correspondent
Anwar bin Haz, in Kandahar. Anwar, salaam.â

âZalwar, those are poppies behind me, as far as the eye can see.
Local officialsâthat is, the ones we have not yet thrown down wells
for collaborating with the American wolvesâsay this yearâs crop will
be a record, producing literally tons of base material for
high-grade heroin.â

âThank you, Anwar bin Haz. In Italy tonight, an exciting plan to
blow up the Vatican during Christmas Eve servicesâafter we return.â

Ali Dada. Spent his whole life struggling against Zionism and
imperialism. Scrimped and saved to send all of us to madrasah and
terrorist training camps. Now heâs in his sixties. His arthritis
doesnât allow him to sneak over the border the way he used to, to
kidnap American contractors from Halliburton and Kellogg Brown &
Root, though he still insists on making the improvised explosive
devices himself. Thatâs why I give him Al Advil, the non-Jewish
anti-inflammatory medicine.

âIn Ramallah today, a joyous celebration as hundreds of youths
urinated on American flags, set tires on fire, and hurled rocks at a
passing Icelandic diplomat in honor of Grandmotherâs Day.

âAnd, in Pakistan, yet more rioting to protest the lifting of a
popular fatwa. The fatwa, issued last Ramadan by a Karachi imam,
promised twice the number of kohl-eyed virgins in
Paradiseâseventy-twoâto anyone who assassinated President Pervez
Musharraf for his collaboration with the American crusaders. But
last week the imam lifted the fatwa after taking coffee with Karen
Hughes, she-devil envoy of the Salivating Hyena Little Bush. Sources
tell Voice of the Caliphate that the coffee was laced with a
powerful hallucinogenic drug of the type used on soldiers of the
true faith by C.I.A. and Mossad interrogators at Abu Ghraib.

âAnd, from GuantÃnamo today, still another report that Muslim
prisoners there are being subjected to barbaric tortures. The
report, due out tomorrow from Martyrs Without Borders, the respected
humanitarian agency, says these include being made to listen to
âPurimspielâ klezmer music twenty-four hours a day and being forced
to watch the Barbra Streisand movie âYentlâ while immersed up to the
neck in chicken soup. Several prisoners have reportedly beheaded
themselves rather than endure more of these unspeakable horrors.

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