GOOD EVENING AND GOOD LUCK by CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY
An Internet video newscast called the Voice of the Caliphate was broadcast for the first time on Monday, purporting to be a production of al Qaeda and featuring an anchorman who wore a black ski mask and an ammunition belt. . . . A copy of the Koran, the Muslim holy book, was placed by his right hand and a rifle affixed to a tripod was pointed at the camera. âThe Washington Post.
âIn Gaza, Jews on the runâsee how they squeal. Along the Gulf Coast of the Great Satan, a spectacular storm destroys the City of Homosexuals, New Orleans, and, in infidel-occupied Iraq, a car bomber drives into a supermarket, creating a fireball in the meat section, destroying the entire inventory of pork products. But there was also bad news today: A startling report on new infrared U.S. helicopter capabilities that may affect the way you commute. The Dow dips below nine thousand as traders take short-term profits. And, finally tonight, our Martyr of the Week, someone for whom the phrase âpluck out the eyes of the crusaderâ is more than just a slogan. In the name of Allah, the Merciful, the Compassionate, good evening. Iâm Zalwar al-Qamush.
âFirst, a look at the local situation. In Afghanistan, another tremendous victory. We have this live report from our correspondent Anwar bin Haz, in Kandahar. Anwar, salaam.â
âZalwar, those are poppies behind me, as far as the eye can see. Local officialsâthat is, the ones we have not yet thrown down wells for collaborating with the American wolvesâsay this yearâs crop will be a record, producing literally tons of base material for high-grade heroin.â
âThank you, Anwar bin Haz. In Italy tonight, an exciting plan to blow up the Vatican during Christmas Eve servicesâafter we return.â
Ali Dada. Spent his whole life struggling against Zionism and imperialism. Scrimped and saved to send all of us to madrasah and terrorist training camps. Now heâs in his sixties. His arthritis doesnât allow him to sneak over the border the way he used to, to kidnap American contractors from Halliburton and Kellogg Brown & Root, though he still insists on making the improvised explosive devices himself. Thatâs why I give him Al Advil, the non-Jewish anti-inflammatory medicine.
âIn Ramallah today, a joyous celebration as hundreds of youths urinated on American flags, set tires on fire, and hurled rocks at a passing Icelandic diplomat in honor of Grandmotherâs Day.
âAnd, in Pakistan, yet more rioting to protest the lifting of a popular fatwa. The fatwa, issued last Ramadan by a Karachi imam, promised twice the number of kohl-eyed virgins in Paradiseâseventy-twoâto anyone who assassinated President Pervez Musharraf for his collaboration with the American crusaders. But last week the imam lifted the fatwa after taking coffee with Karen Hughes, she-devil envoy of the Salivating Hyena Little Bush. Sources tell Voice of the Caliphate that the coffee was laced with a powerful hallucinogenic drug of the type used on soldiers of the true faith by C.I.A. and Mossad interrogators at Abu Ghraib.
âAnd, from GuantÃnamo today, still another report that Muslim prisoners there are being subjected to barbaric tortures. The report, due out tomorrow from Martyrs Without Borders, the respected humanitarian agency, says these include being made to listen to âPurimspielâ klezmer music twenty-four hours a day and being forced to watch the Barbra Streisand movie âYentlâ while immersed up to the neck in chicken soup. Several prisoners have reportedly beheaded themselves rather than endure more of these unspeakable horrors.
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