[lit-ideas] Tips for Holiday Food

  • From: "Andreas Ramos" <andreas@xxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: "Lit-Ideas" <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Sat, 18 Dec 2004 17:47:58 -0800

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows 
nothing of 
the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next 
door, where 
they're serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, 
it's rare. In 
fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time 
of year but 
now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not 
as if you're 
going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have 
one for me.
Have two. It's later than you think.
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy.  
Gravy does not 
stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it 
with gravy. Eat 
the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole 
milk. If it's 
skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic 
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your 
eating. The 
whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for 
free. Lots of 
it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You 
can do that in 
January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which 
you'll need 
after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and 
that vat of 
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like Frosted 
cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't 
budge. Have as 
many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a 
beautiful pair of 
shoes: If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you 
don't like 
mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you 
get to  have 
more than  one  dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory 
calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get 
up from the 
table, you haven't been paying attention.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with 
intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but 
rather to skid in 
sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, 
totally worn 
out and screaming "WOO HOO, what a ride!"


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