[lit-ideas] The Convention
- From: "Andreas Ramos" <andreas@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "Lit-Ideas" <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Tue, 31 Aug 2004 09:13:28 -0700
Advice to the GOP... from an NYC Republican.
yrs,
andreas
www.andreas.com
Behind Enemy Lines: Advice From a Partisan
August 29, 2004
By CHRISTOPHER BUCKLEY
MY Fellow Republicans,
This really is the greatest city in the world, but you are now behind
enemy lines. Most of you hail from the so-called Red states. Welcome
to Deep Blue.
I grew up here, so maybe I can be of some assistance.
My father, William F. Buckley Jr., ran for mayor in 1965, as a
candidate of something called the Conservative Party. This was in the
days before compassionate conservatism. Oddly, he did not win. Even
more oddly, his Republican competitor, John V. Lindsay, won. Mr.
Lindsay was pro-union, pro-welfare and pro-government. New York cannot
be said to have prospered under his stewardship. Indeed, it nearly
went bankrupt.
The current mayor, Michael R. Bloomberg, is also a "Republican."
Should you light a cigarette inside any building here, you will be
arrested. Our president, whom you are gathering to renominate, is, of
course, Republican. He has increased discretionary spending at a rate
twice that of Lyndon Johnson and has yet to veto a single bill. I
cannot wait for the speeches about the need to control federal
spending and the growth of big government.
Sorry - where was I? One day during my father's brave campaign, I went
out on the street to distribute "Buckley for Mayor" bumper stickers. A
13-year-old girl walked by and smiling sweetly asked me if she could
have all 50 of them. I gave them to her. She tore them to pieces,
stuck her tongue out and me and sneered, "I HATE Buckley!"
This childhood trauma (which left me with a permanent twitch) took
place in the Upper East Side, the only nominally Republican part of
Manhattan. But despite my harrowing experience there, in the event the
demonstrators manage to get past the police and overwhelm them, you
should try to make it to this part of the city. There's a restaurant
on Lexington called Swifty's. They serve a decent martini, and you
will be safe there until the president can call in the National Guard
to protect you. (Do not ask for Swifty - it will peg you as a
Democrat.)
In the event the demonstrators have blocked access to the Upper East
Side, try for the editorial offices of National Review (215 Lexington
Avenue). Ask for Rich. It is not a code, but the first name of the
editor, Richard Lowry. National Review is only a few blocks east of
Madison Square Garden. Another safe harbor is the Manhattan Institute
(113 West 31st Street). Give the password, "laissez-faire," at the
door.
If you cannot make it to any of these sites, swim to Staten Island or
to Queens. You will be among our own there, and the beer is agreeably
cheap.
Should you find yourself isolated and surrounded by natives, here are
some simple survival tips: refrain from expressing your support for
traditional marriage (that is, between human males and females),
Arctic oil drilling, or the Second Amendment-guaranteed right to buy
shoulder-launched missiles at Wal-Mart despite multiple felony
convictions. Stating such views will only end in tears - or in this
highly charged environment, tear gas.
In the event you are unavoidably lured into political conversation by
locals, change the subject - preferably before you are asked for your
views on the clubbing of baby seals - by mentioning that people in
Terre Haute also enjoy "Sex and the City" and "The Sopranos," despite
the lurid depictions of carnality and violence.
A few additional cultural notes: Diversity rules here. New Yorkers
pride themselves on being a melting pot, on their embrace of racial,
cultural religious differences.
Visiting Republicans frequently ask, "Does diversity include someone
who drives a three-ton S.U.V., has never watched `Queer Eye for the
Straight Guy,' thinks President Bush actually won in 2000, cannot
understand why everyone hates Attorney General John Ashcroft and goes
to church every Sunday?"
The answer: "Get out!" Diverse means having relatives in Tierra del
Fuego. What you are is obtuse.
If during your stay in New York you would like to join the great free-
thinking herd of the diverse, simply acknowledge aloud that the war in
Iraq has permanently set back the Middle East peace process and accept
the blame for the following outrages: outsourcing, the French's loss
of esteem for America, Mr. Ashcroft's attempt to erect a gallows in
Columbus Circle, and Mr. Bush's failure instantly to stop reading "My
Pet Goat" aloud to the Sarasota second graders on Sept. 11 after being
informed that planes were suddenly flying into buildings.
You may also be called upon to accept personal responsibility for
today's closing of Tony Kushner's new musical, "Caroline, or Change."
This great loss was the result of disappointing advance sales for the
week of our convention. You say you have never heard of Tony Kushner?
Really? (Gosh, I may move to Terre Haute myself.) He has certainly
heard of you, and he hates everything you stand for, and it is your
fault that his play closed.
As for the Statue of Liberty, it will be on your right when you swim
to Staten Island.
Christopher Buckley is the editor of Forbes FYI magazine.
http://www.nytimes.com/2004/08/29/politics/campaign/29BUCK.html?ex=109
4909492&ei=1&en=0cf6e8c0c2b5d2f6
Copyright 2004 The New York Times Company
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