Court Could Tip to Catholic Majority Some Say Slant Is Dangerous; Others See Historic Victory By Alan Cooperman Washington Post Staff Writer Monday, November 7, 2005; Page A03 *************** Folks, I don't mean to alarm you -- but this is much more dire even than an avian flu pandemic. For you Hereticals and you Jewish breth and sistrern, not to mention Muslimists, all you who are unfamiliar with Catholicism outside of Bing Crosby priest movies and the DaVinci Code, let me explain. There are two kinds of Catholics in this world and it's important that you understand the difference between the two. Take Jack Kennedy, for instance, he was a Catholic, but he worshipped Marilyn Monroe more than Mary the mother of God -- and who can blame him? Who? you ask. Canonical Catholics, that's who. They who believe Jesus was serious when he said: "This is my body." "Lost a lot of weight, haven't you?" That's what I would have said had I been there, but alas, I was born 2000 years too late. Another good punch line lost to bad timing. Here's the deal, while all us liberals have been fretting about Protestant evangelicals taking over the world, there's been this cabal of Catholics plotting behind our backs. Just ask Lance, he'll confirm all this. It started with Reagan in 1986 with his appointment of Scalia -- an Italian Catholic -- Italian, did you get that? And where is the Catholic Church headquartered? Not in Moscow. And then Reagan again in 1988 with his appointment of Kennedy. Hmmm. Isn't that an Irish name? And didn't Joyce call the Irish "a priest-ridden race"? Yes, he did!! Ah ha! See the pattern forming? Liberals still intoxicated with the Kennedy name thought this guy will surely vote for free love. Wrong, wrong, wrong! Then of course, there was Daddy Bush who gave us Clarence Thomas who scared every Liberal from Amherst, MA to Zenia, CA with his "high tech lynching" speech. "Oh, sorry, Mr. Thomas. Forgive me, Mr Thomas." After all, how conservative could a colored man be? I mean really? Doesn't he carry the injustice of this culture in his very skin? He'll be four square for justice even if he is a Republican. Hahahahahaha. The Bushes laughed all the way to the Hoover Institute. Now there's Roberts -- Bush baby's baby. A the proposed 5th Catholic, Alito -- ahem, an Italian. Hey, even the Popes don't have to be Italian anymore. Clue these people in. As a Catholic, though no longer a believer -- but once a Catholic, always a Catholic (what can I do?) -- I want to join the majority of non-Catholics in this world who dread the re-institution of the Inquisition soon to follow Alito's ascension to the Supreme Court. Catholics are great drinkers and love to gamble, but they have lousy taste when it comes to governance. Just look at Berlusconi. Mike Geary Memphis Catholic against his will.