[lit-ideas] Sunday's Exchange

  • From: "Mike Geary" <atlas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Sat, 17 May 2008 22:03:22 -0500


Suppose on a Sunday
you decided 
all of a sudden like
that you had no reason to live.
Never mind the kids,
the wondrous loves,
the yesness of sensations ever
yelling in your skin,
never mind the job you think you hate and despise 
but still romanticize,
never mind the sublime 
poetry and angelic arts,
or the stupendous reach of intelligence,
fuck all that, 
only this matters:
that all of a sudden
you want to be rid of it,
have it over and done with,
you do not want to care anymore 
never ever, ever again,
no more goddamn caring.
Life has worn you out.
And so, goodnight, sweet Prince 

That happens to me 3 or 4 times a week.
I try to keep my wits about me. 
Say to myself: 
"OK, suppose you could say, 
'I choose to die' 
and that would be it, 
as easy as that, 
gone in a sigh."
But there's still the truck to be got home.
And all the tools to be dispensed with.
And other odds and ends of my having been.
Who's going to take care of all that?  My kids?
They'd fuck it up for sure.
They have no idea what any of this costs.
No, no, no.  I can't just get up and go like that.
I'll need to prepare the way.
Sell off the assets.
Maybe on Ebay.
I don't want some jackleg freon-jockey 
making out like a bandit
in a yard sale of my hard-scrabble life.
I'd rather that the sun burst,
burn all beings to cinders!
Hear me, God,
let all living creatures die
rather than that I
should suffer the ignominy of 
a jackleg freon-jockey
profiting off my demise.

I've always hated money.  
Have always hated people 
who knew the ins and outs of getting it.
Have always thought that money
was (or at least was like) shit --
but who really wants to handle it?
Slowly I've come to understand
that Existence itself is just another 
kind of 
Live Stock Exchange:
this life for that life.
From top to bottom, bottom to top:
it's all about exchanging lives without stop.

So how then to end this little epiphany?
Let me just say that find it all pretty funny.

Mike Geary

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