Shaggy Dog Poem Last week I briefly believed the student fallacy about effort and achievement, believed that if I really worked hard the resulting poem must be better, so now I'm feeling a bit like the last guy in Pickett's Charge, the fellow who didn't think it was a good idea to go in the first place, and who got lost in the noise and smoke of it all; the one who, just as everyone was packing up to go, walked forward, weaponless and with his arms raised, to say, "Put me down for a snooze in the sun, please." I went into that poem like a boy re-building a VW engine, and went at it night and day, until it became a kind of a Coldstone iceberg, thick with mix-ins, or maybe a painting in which the first, fresh, attractive strokes had been completely lost. This week I decided that it'd be better not to write at all or, if the scratchy urge wouldn't leave, maybe to keep the poem really short, like one of those squibs you see in the "New Yorker" which begin, "In the large apartment upstairs, Mrs. Dribkowski keeps a monkey." But then, suddenly, here come these two questions, which will take a little explaining. Quick bite of Cadbury's Flake, and here goes. I think I have reached the age when sentences can begin subjectively; which is to say that I have reached an age when I know enough about myself to know what I am not. This week, for example, I thought, "Were I a lawsuit-filing kind of a fellow, I would sue airline miles programs for breach of contract. Their offer--that I can fly for free for twenty (or so) thousand airline miles--I accepted, and the consideration was the increased cost of the tickets I paid for. Contract, right? And the breach? "We are sorry, but there are no twenty thousand mile seats between now and when the planet goes cold... but you can fly free for only double that." It's clearly wrong. Or, alternatively, I'd file a suit about how it violates separation of church and state to have flags fly at half mast in memory of the dead pope. But that's not me, and that's not exactly what I wanted to tell you about. You need to know that on one of the last long trips I took, we were going to visit my aunt in Leith. Great Aunty Betty, who once had her portrait painted on the nose of a bomber, is now frail with asthma and arthritis and a list of old age ailments that stretches all the way to z, but she is a trooper, and she is generous, and she is just plain nice. In her council flat she laid a spread for tea, with home-made meringues, a sponge cake, chocolate biscuits, bread and butter cut in crustless triangles. Maybe there were also dates? At one time when you went to tea in Scotland, your status as a guest would be signaled by an expensive box of dates--a thin wooden container, with the fruit lying side-by-side in pairs, like galley slaves, held together by a kind of laddered, plastic stick. Betty was pouring Earl Grey tea, rather than plain old Typhoo. I don't like the stuff, but there was no chance I'd tell her that. She had spent all her energy and who knows how much of her month's money on this A-list table, a miniature version of "Babette's Feast." She'd got out the porcelain cups and the lace doilies and the saucers and the matching best plates, silver forks, knives and spoons. Perfectly, though we had for years told them that water was better than soda and other kinds of sugar drinks, the girls quickly said, "Yes, please" to her offer of orange squash. After everyone had helped everyone, and everyone had "pleased" and "thankyou'd" according to British custom, and everyone had tried bites and declared it all delicious, with straight backs and no elbows on the table, we began to tell one another stories. What was happening in Sweden? Had anyone heard from Robert in Canada? Which carpet had she tripped on? Why did grandpa write all those remarks in the hymnal? As Betty talked, I saw that her hands gently rubbed the edge of the table. It was as if she were soothing the wood--back and forth, back and forth, in an easing gesture. My grandmother, on the other side, used to do the same unconscious thing. I didn't like to ask, but I assume it's a way of coping with pain. So, the questions? Just the ones they use in interviews: what are your weak suits, and what do you see yourself doing in twenty or thirty years? David Ritchie Portland, Oregon ------------------------------------------------------------------ To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off, digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html