[lit-ideas] Sunday Twofer
- From: David Ritchie <profdritchie@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 17 Mar 2013 12:21:23 -0700
You know why a marshmallow is so called? Those confections used to be
sweetened by the sap of a plant, one which grows in salt water bogs, the marsh
mallow. That much I know, but I've no idea what you call those
marshmallow-like hay bales, the ones you see in fields, wrapped in white
plastic. "Bales in white plastic, never stacked up on end..." I mention all
this because the new and improved toilet rolls, bog rolls they call them in
Britain, remind me of these. Someone seems to have added steroids. The rolls
are so big that when fresh, they'll not turn on the spindle. Bog
Schwarzeneggers? Bog Zeppelins? Bog Moodies?
Five witness perspectives to last Friday's incident.
Daughter: "Dad, help three chickens have escaped."
Chicken One: "I'm out, I'm out; crikey! There's a bloody great sheepdog and a
cat and...oh my goodness, food everywhere!"
Cat: "I am not proceeding in any direction, simply sitting and having an
innocent think, when this bloody great white dinosaur comes at me, with no
provocation whatsoever. I stand my ground for as long as is reasonable, and
then make a tactical withdrawal."
Dog: "Oh boy, work! Work! I'll get behind them. No, I'll go around. No,
this way. Oh boy! It's like I was born for this."
Daughter: "Call Mac off."
Me: "Sonsie's running away."
Daughter: "I bet this becomes a twofer."
Chicken One: "Awwwwrk this is awful. There's so...so much world! Catch my
breath..."
Daughter: "I've got two of them. Mac was chasing Wensleydale over there by the
fence."
Cat: "Running in graceful bursts is one thing, but this is so... tasteless,
inelegant, undignified. Perhaps if they see me licking my bits they'll behave
better."
Daughter: "Under the bush. There. She's so scared."
Me: "I'll go around behind, hold the branch back."
Daughter: "Got her."
Chicken One [returning]: "Ladies, have I some stories for you!"
David Ritchie,
Portland,
Oregon------------------------------------------------------------------
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