Semul the Barbarian
The Law Firm of Semul, Laknar, and Frisch
14 Rubber Beltway
Saginaw, MI
Marjorie Llatoof
Director of Information Services
TFOM.Ink
Dear Marjorie Llatoof:
Vulgar roars and warlike oaths occasioned our receipt of your recent
missive, or should I say, your heathen E-mail disclaimer, little more
than an arrogant call to arms, admitting that you and the sinister
"Robert Paul" ignore correspondence directed toward your hideous
office. There will be much drumming in the night and dancing over this.
My client, Mr. Melbourne Uraccaby, author of _Das Antidenken Glaube in
Geld Unterhaltung Werbung_ has asked me to forward the following generic
reply:
-----
You are being sent this automated message because the content of your
post flagged it for this purpose.
One of the worst part of a reader's day--seeing so many new and
promising posts cross one's desk--is to have to reject a post because
its sender is not really human, but is instead an android replicant
serving as a PR factotum for an Ur-self living on the moon. You, sir or
madam, are apparently part of that worst part of day. You are being
subjected to a form answer.
Among the many stomach-clutching goofs, zombie illations, overextension
into thought, negligently sloppy phrasing, and glaring bald errors in
your android post, few deserve direct mention. Otherwise you would have
been sent a different form letter.
No doubt your E-mail brimmed with howlers including, but not limited to:
Ad Hominem (Argument To The Man); Affirming The Consequent; Appeal To
False Authority; Argument By Half Truth (Suppressed Evidence); Argument
By Laziness (Argument By Uninformed Opinion); Argument By Selective
Reading; Bad Analogy; Begging The Question (Assuming The Answer,
Tautology); Burden Of Proof; Causal Reductionism (Complex Cause);
Changing The Subject (Digression, Red Herring, Misdirection, False
Emphasis); Cliche Thinking; Error Of Fact; Fallacy Of The General Rule;
Meaningless Questions; Misunderstanding the Nature of Statistics;
Reductio Ad Absurdum; Reductive Fallacy (Oversimplification); Straw Man
(Fallacy Of Extension); and Weasel Wording in every sentence.
You androids never learn, do you? Tell your masters to leave the moon
and return to earth. Then we'll talk.
-----
Again, let me tell you how peculiar it was to receive your E-mail. We
shall test our manhood by a shepherd's pie eating contest, drink faux
spring water, and play Grand Theft Auto San Andreas until sleep comes.
Our battle cries and fierce words shall shall echo far into the dark
beyond our encampment.
Cordially yours,
Semul the Barbarian
The Law Firm of Semul, Laknar, and Frisch
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