[lit-ideas] Philosophical Kisses

  • From: JimKandJulieB@xxxxxxx
  • To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Tue, 21 Nov 2006 20:49:06 EST

Dear Doctor Rude, 
I think I understand what a "platonic kiss" is, but  could you explain to me 
the difference between the following kisses?  
Aristotelian kiss 
Hegelian kiss 
Wittgensteinian kiss 
Godelian  kiss 
Flummoxed in Florida 
Dear Flummoxed, 
That's a very good question; nowadays most sex  education courses focus on 
secondary and tertiary sources, so much so that few  people really get exposed 
to the classics in this field any more. I'll try to  make a brief but clear 
summary of some of these important types of kisses:  

Aristotelian kiss 
a kiss performed using techniques gained solely from  theoretical speculation 
untainted by any experiential data by one who feels that  the latter is 
irrelevant anyway. 

Hegelian kiss 
dialiptical technique in which the kiss incorporates its  own antithikiss, 
forming a synthekiss. 

Wittgensteinian kiss 
the important thing about this type of kiss is  that it refers only to the 
symbol (our internal mental representation we  associate with the experience of 
the kiss--which must necessarilly also be  differentiated from the act itself 
for obvious reasons and which need not be by  any means the same or even 
similar for the different people experiencing the  act) rather than the act 
and, as such, one must be careful not to make  unwarranted generalizations 
about the act itself or the experience thereof based  merely on our 
of the symbology therefor. 

Godelian kiss 
a kiss that takes an extraordinarilly long time, yet  leaves you unable to 
decide whether you've been kissed or not.  

This is by no means an exhaustive list--here are some more of the classic  

Socratic kiss 
really a Platonic kiss, but it's claimed to be the  Socratic technique so 
it'll sound more authoritative; however, compared to most  strictly Platonic 
kisses, Socratic kisses wander around a lot more and cover  more ground. 
Kantian kiss 
a kiss that, eschewing inferior "phenomenal" contact, is  performed entirely 
on the superior "noumenal" plane; though you don't actually  feel it at all, 
you are, nonetheless, free to declare it the best kiss you've  ever given or 
Kafkaesque kiss 
a kiss that starts out feeling like it's about to  transform you but ends up 
just bugging you. 

Sartrean kiss 
a kiss that you worry yourself to death about even though  it really doesn't 
matter anyway. 

Russell-Whiteheadian kiss 
a formal kiss in which each lip and tongue  movement is rigorously and 
completely defined, even though it ends up seeming  incomplete somehow. 
Hertzsprung-Russellian kiss 
Oh, Be A Fine Girl/Guy, Kiss Me. 
Pythagorean kiss 
a kiss given by someone who has developed some new and  wonderful techniques 
but refuses to use them on anyone for fear that others  would find out about 
them and copy them. 

Cartesian kiss 
a particularly well-planned and coordinated movement: "I  think, therefore, I 
aim." In general, a kiss does not count as Cartesian unless  it is applied 
with enough force to remove all doubt that one has been kissed.  (cf. Polar 
kiss, a more well-rounded movement involving greater nose-to-nose  contact, but 
colder overall.) 

Heisenbergian kiss 
a hard-to-define kiss--the more it moves you, the  less sure you are of where 
the kiss was; the more energy it has, the more  trouble you have figuring out 
how long it lasted. Extreme versions of this type  of kiss are known as 
"virtual kisses" because the level of uncertainty is so  high that you're not 
sure if you were kissed or not. Virtual kisses have  the advantage, however, 
that you need not have anyone else in the room with you  to enjoy them. 

Nietzscheian kiss 
"she/he who does not kiss you, makes your lust  stronger." 

Epimenidian kiss 
a kiss given by someone who does not kiss. 

Grouchoic kiss 
a kiss given by someone who will only kiss those who  would not kiss him or 

Harpoic kiss 
shut up and kiss me. 

Zenoian kiss 
your lips approach, closer and closer, but never actually  touch. 

Procrustean kiss 
suffice it to say that it is a technique that, once  you've experienced it, 
you'll never forget it, especially when applied to areas  of the anatomy other 
than the lips. 
- Doctor Rude 

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