[lit-ideas] Re: New Year's Resolutions
- From: "Andy Amago" <aamago@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sat, 31 Dec 2005 12:47:59 -0500
I don't get it. I post a thing by T.S. Elliot. I segue into it with a
reference to my cat. Phil completely disregards Andrew Marvell and Elliot,
which is to say, nearly the entire post, focuses on the segue and complains
that I'm writing about me. Now you call me Miss Information and telling me I'm
scolding. Scolding? I'm wondering too, why couldn't you just post Monty
Python without the little intro?
----- Original Message -----
From: Paul Stone
To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: 12/31/2005 12:10:38 PM
Subject: [lit-ideas] Re: New Year's Resolutions
Miss Information Scolded:
Thanks, Phil, I needed that. Just for your information, though, the Old
Possum Book of Practical Cats is by T.S. Elliot. Those poems are the
soundtrack for the Broadway show Cats. The Jellicle Cat is Elliot's
invention. That post wasn't about my cat. It was about T.S. Elliot.
The Bookshop Sketch from "Monty Python "
Customer: (entering the bookshop) Good morning.
Proprietor (John Cleese): Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
C: Er, yes. Do you have a copy of "Thirty Days in the
Samarkind Desert with
the Duchess of Kent" by A. E. J. Eliott, O.B.E.?
P: Ah, well, I don't know the book, sir....
C: Er, never mind, never mind. How about "A Hundred and One
Ways to
Start a Fight"?
P: ...By?
C: An Irish gentleman whose name eludes me for the moment.
P: Ah, no, well we haven't got it in stock, sir....
C: Oh, well, not to worry, not to worry. Can you help me with
"David
Coperfield"?
P: Ah, yes, Dickens.
C: No....
P: (pause) I beg your pardon?
C: No, Edmund Wells.
P: I... *think* you'll find Charles Dickens wrote "David
Copperfield", sir....
C: No, no, Dickens wrote "David Copperfield" with *two*
Ps. This is
"David Coperfield" with *one* P by Edmund Wells.
P: "David Coperfield" with one P?
C: Yes, I should have said.
P: Yes, well in that case we don't have it.
C: (peering over counter) Funny, you've got a lot of books
here....
P: (slightly perturbed) Yes, we do, but we don't have "David
Coperfield"
with one P by Edmund Wells.
C: Pity, it's more thorough than the Dickens.
P: More THOROUGH?!?
C: Yes...I wonder if it might be worth a look through all your
"David Copper-
field"s...
P: No, sir, all our "David Copperfield"s have two P's.
C: Are you quite sure?
P: Quite.
C: Not worth just looking?
P: Definitely not.
C: Oh...how 'bout "Grate Expectations"?
P: Yes, well we have that....
C: That's "G-R-A-T-E Expectations," also by Edmund Wells.
P: (pause) Yes, well in that case we don't have it. We don't have
anything
by Edmund Wells, actually: he's not very popular.
C: Not "Knickerless Knickleby"? That's K-N-I-C-K-E-R-L-E-S-S.
P: (taciturn) No.
C: "Khristmas Karol" with a K?
P: (really quite perturbed) No....
C: Er, how about "A Sale of Two Titties"?
P: DEFINITELY NOT.
C: (moving towards door) Sorry to trouble you....
P: Not at all....
C: Good morning.
P: Good morning.
C: (turning around) Oh!
P: (deep breath) Yesss?
C: I wonder if you might have a copy of "Rarnaby Budge"?
P: No, as I say, we're right out of Edmund Wells!
C: No, not Edmund Wells - Charles Dikkens.
P: (pause - eagerly) Charles Dickens??
C: Yes.
P: (excitedly) You mean "Barnaby Rudge"!
C: No, "Rarnaby Budge" by Charles Dikkens. That's Dikkens
with two Ks, the
well-known Dutch author.
P: (slight pause) No, well we don't have "Rarnaby Budge" by
Charles Dikkens
with two Ks, the well-known Dutch author, and perhaps to
save time I
should add that we don't have "Karnaby Fudge" by
Darles Chickens, or
"Farmer of Sludge" by Marles Pickens, or even
"Stickwick Stapers" by Farles
Wickens with four M's and a silent Q!!!!! Why don't
you try W. H. Smith's?
C: Ah did, They sent me here.
P: DID they.
C: Oh, I wonder...
P: Oh, do go on, please.
C: Yes...I wonder if you might have "The Amazing Adventures of
Captain Gladys
Stoutpamphlet and her Intrepid Spaniel Stig Amongst the
Giant Pygmies of
Beckles"...volume eight.
P: (after a pause for recovery) No, we don't have that...funny, we've got
a lot
of books here...well, I musn't keep you standing
here...thank you,--
C: Oh, well do, do you
have--
---\
P: No, we haven't. No, we
haven't.
|
C:
B-b-b-but--
|
P: Sorry, no, it's one o'clock now, we're |
closing for
lunch--
|
C: Ah, I--I saw
it--
|-------loud arguments
P: I'm
sorry--
|
C: I saw it over there! I saw
it... |
P: What? What?
WHAT?!?
---/
C: I saw it over there: "Olsen's Standard Book of British
Birds".
P: (pause; trying to stay calm) "Olsen's Standard Book of British
Birds"?
C: Yes...
P: O-L-S-E-N?
C: Yes....
P: B-I-R-D-S??
C: Yes.....
P: (beat) Yes, well, we do have that, as a matter of fact....
C: The expurgated version....
P: (pause; politely) I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that...?
C: The expurgated version.
P: (exploding) The EXPURGATED version of "Olsen's Standard Book of
British
Birds"?!?!?!?!?
C: (desperately) The one without the gannet!
P: The one without the gannet-!!! They've ALL got the
gannet!! It's a
Standard British Bird, the gannet, it's in all the
books!!!
C: (insistent) Well, I don't like them...they wet their nests.
P: (furious) All right! I'll remove it!! (rrrip!) Any
other birds you don't
like?!
C: I don't like the robin...
P: (screaming) The robin! Right! The robin!
(rrrip!) There you are, any
others you don't like, any others?
C: The nuthatch?
P: Right! (flipping through the book) The nuthatch, the
nuthatch, the
nuthatch, 'ere we are! (rrriiip!) There you
are! NO gannets, NO robins,
NO nuthatches, THERE's your book!
C: (indignant) I can't buy that! It's torn!
P: (incoherent noise)
C: Ah, I wonder if you have--
P: God, ask me anything!! We got lots of books here, you know, it's
a
bookshop!!
C: Er, how 'bout "Biggles Combs his Hair"?
P: No, no, we don't have that one, funny!
C: "The Gospel According to Charley Drake"?
P: No, no, no, try me again!
C: Ah...oh, I know! "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity
Surveying".
P: No, no, no, no, no,...What? WHAT??????
C: "Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity Surveying".
P: "Ethel the Aa--" YES!!!YES!!! WE'VE GOT IT!!
(throwing books wildly about)
I-I've seen it somewhere!!! I know it!!! Hee hee
hee hee hee!!! Ha ha hoo
ho---WAIT!! WAIT!! Is it?? Is it???
(triumphant) YES!!!!!! Here we are,
"Ethel the Aardvark goes Quantity
Surveying"!!!!! There's your book!!
(throwing it down) Now, BUY IT!!!
C: (quickly) I don't have enough money.
P: (desperate) I'll take a deposit!
C: I don't have ANY money!
P: I'll take a check!!
C: I don't have a checkbook!
P: I've got a blank one!!
C: I don't have a bank account!!
P: RIGHT!!!! I'll buy it FOR you! (ring) There we are, there's your
change,
there's some money for a taxi on the way home, there's your
book, now, now..
C: Wait, wait, wait!
P: What? What?!? WHAT?!? WHAT???!!
C: I can't read!!!
P: (staggeringly long pause; very quietly) You can't...read.
(pause) RIGHT!!!
Sit down!! Sit down!! Sit!! Sit!!
Are you sitting comfortably???
Right!!! (opens book) "Ethel the Aardvark was
hopping down the river valley
one lovely morning, trottety-trottety-trottety, when she
might a nice little
quantity surveyor..." (fade out)
PMMMMqS
Other related posts:
