[lit-ideas] Re: New Year's Resolutions
- From: "Andy Amago" <aamago@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Fri, 30 Dec 2005 00:31:55 -0500
Marlena, I suspect I'm being rescued here. Rescued from what exactly, I'm not
sure, but rescued nonetheless. Sometimes when people focus on others it's
because there's something in themselves that they don't want to look at. What
do you think of that idea?
----- Original Message -----
From:
To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Sent: 12/30/2005 12:24:25 AM
Subject: [lit-ideas] Re: New Year's Resolutions
In a message dated 12/29/2005 10:11:38 P.M. Central Standard Time,
aamago@xxxxxxxxxxxxx writes:
I can't even stand going to the supermarket or the Walmart for that reason,
because it really hurts me to see the way people treat their kids.
Dear Irene,
I, too, have seen these sorts of things. I imagine we all have!
But--here's how you can handle that. (I have loved going to the
stores/restaurants with one of my friends--he is simply awesome with those
sorts of situations and I learned a lot from him...will always bless him for
touching lives! Each person he has ever met has mattered to him--and to meet
someone else who lives that way-it is grand.)
Do NOT just 'walk away'. Often if the parent is frazzled--as you know, it is
sometimes not the kid or the store--just exhaustion. (again--would be nice to
have time/energy/help sometimes--or to have the $ to buy your kid what you long
to be able to provide--and don't say that it is bad to do so unless you have
had to deny yourself/your husband something that you/he really really have
wanted but you simply cannot get for him. It does not sound like you live that
sort of life, though, so you probably do NOT have empathy...<g> so go to the
exhaustion concept versus the despair concept...)
Try to figure out what the situation merits. If it is obviously an exhaustion
issue, then just perk the mom/dad up and state how cute/fun/intelligent/etc the
child is--if you look deep enough, you can find something sweet to say about
ANY child.
If it is a kid having a temper tantrum about a toy or that is the parent
losing it because he/she cannot get the kid something (no matter the
reason--that really does not matter)--just make eye contact with the parent and
smile--and then with the kid and state in a casual sort of way how hard it is
sometimes to not be able to get a child what he/she wants...but that you can
tell that the parent really does care and oh! maybe next time!
Or, suggest that the parent/child make a LIST so that *someday* one of those
things on the list can be provided. (that one, actually, is one of my
favorites--and, if it is a girl-child, then I usually share about my favorite
series of books the Betsy-Tacy ones and talk about how in Betsy-Tacy Go
Downtown that Betsy, Tacy and Tib used to go into stores and etc etc <g> [won't
trouble you with the whole story...) Of course, I generally carry a copy of at
least one of the first four Betsy-Tacy books and will often make a gift of one
of them if this is the situation which I have encountered.
You could do something similar--buy a Disney magazine which may be by the
checkout counter or a coloring book or something very little but fun--and see
what happens. You'll stun the parent--who gives gifts to strangers after
all--and esp the child. How special he/she will feel--esp if the child/parent
has a love language of communication that is 'gift-giving'?! (and, if words of
affirmation--you'll have given those too)
Sometimes it is just hard to manage a couple of kids (I will be watching,
again, two more starting the first of January for almost two weeks while the
parents are on a work-trip throughout the country. Yes--it's hard, Irene, and
no, they are of no relation--but I know there is a need and that I have the
space and can, somehow, manage to juggle the extra drive to where those kids go
to school (about 20 minutes away) and so forth. But--the parents are working
so so hard and it is a really good opportunity for them...and I can 'be there'
for these little ones (the alternative for their care is to go be with their
older sister who is 20 and simply not in the caretaking age/stage of life right
now...)
All that to say that I often think that while I did want about four kids <g>,
it's a lot of work to have two extra around! I cannot, now, imagine taking
care of TWO on a regular basis! <g> (that's why I can understand the
seeming-selfishness that says 'no kids'...<g>-- [I used to want to have two of
my own and two adopted--wanted that since I was in second grade and the bus
stopped at an orphanage and I would sit next to a girl who would sigh
periodically on Mondays and tell me of yet another pair of parents who had
visited and always 'chose' younger kids...and not her. I begged my mom to let
us adopt her (there were already six of us, though) and she said 'no'. Ben and
I talk, periodically, of doing the foster care thing [I know several who do
this--one only takes in teenage girls and she is simply awesome] but we have
'adopted' so many of those around and about that it is not, yet, time for that.
Maybe someday...
So--if you see someone with more than one kid in a store/restaurant and he/she
is having a hard time--give her/him a hand! Help them out with the groceries.
Smile and tell the parent how well he/she is doing--and how hard a job he/she
has!
Encourage.
But--don't walk away. Don't ignore. CARE and DO.
Maybe that can be your new mantra? (esp the doing?)
It would just be a lot easier to handle the words you spout out about how
horrible people/the world are if you were actually interacting with it a bit
more--so please...do so!
And, remember--there are SO many people out there helping parents! Another
aspect of Life that is taking the nation by storm is that of the concept of a
Parents' University. These are all-day conferences for parents (childcare is
provided and sometimes, though not always, food)--and speakers and sessions on
all sorts of helpful topics.
YOU could volunteer to help with one of those--even if you don't want to
interact with the people/kids themselves, there is always a need for people to
help with the support work. Plus, you would meet some of the people who are
dynamically involved in changing lives of the very people who make you ache
when you see them in places like Walmart...
Best,
Marlena in Missouri
thinking of all the awesome parents and caretaker types on this list--for bits
and pieces have been shared...
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