In "Beatle No. 5", McEvoy was referring to Sir Paul's guess that Sir George
Martin, CBE was the 'fifth Beatle' (Sir Paul's words, as cited by The
Guardian, are conditional in form0.
Maybe you were looking for The Fourth Stooge?
No.
"If anyone was the fifth Beatle, it was Brian Epstein."
Sir Paul McCartney on a BBC interview.
The search for The Fifth Beatle has confounded biographers, journalists,
amateur detectives, Popperians, and Griceians (see his "Vacuous Names and
Descriptions") for decades.
Some -- especially Popperians -- have tried and failed, many have failed
and tried (and tried again) only to fail again -- which Popperians regard as
a virtue.
Others (notably Grice, who was a chain smoker) have just given up and
decided the only thing to do was walk down to the shop for a breath of fresh
air
and a packet of cigarettes.
Discounting John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, Stuart
Sutcliffe, Pete Best, Brian May and later Ringo Starr (who were all in the
original
seven Beatles) we are left with a list of seriously suspicious suspects
that seek the seniority of the sixth (sorry, fifth) Beatle.
Hold on, there were five of them (and a half)…
The list of suspects starts, in no particular order, with Brian Epstein.
Epstein the 'Aintree Iron' (thank you very much) used to sell household
appliances in his spare-time, and graduated to forging antique shellac vases,
but got so bored he flattened one with a steam iron and accidentally
invented the 12-inch record. Epstein's invention turned out to be too late, as
12-inch records were invented in 1903. Epstein then had the idea that if
someone had already invented records, they would need some kind of artist or
group to be featured on them (this was also not a new idea).
"Eppy" (as he was known by his butler) found a group from Liverburg called
The Beatles.
There were over 200 groups in Liverburg at the time - all competing for the
top job of playing at The Cavern club for a bagful of
depressed-housewives-prescription drugs and all the tap water they could drink.
The Beatles were skeptical (or sceptical as Sir Paul prefers) when Epstein
started telling everyone blatant lies about how good they were, so Epstein
bet them 4 deluxe toasters and a Kenwood food mixer that he could get them
a record contract before the one after 9:09 train arrived.
After paying for The Beatles to record at Decca's expensive studio (he
sold 3 steam irons and 5 washing machines the previous week) Epstein had
serious thoughts about becoming a comedian after leaving hundreds of record
executives screaming with laughter and biting their tongues off before kicking
him out of the back door.
He finally managed to secure a really good record contract for "The
Beatles" in 1962, which gave them 0.25 of a British penny for the first 15
double
albums.
Lennon gave a loving tribute in song to Epstein in late 1967, referring to
his recently deceased manager as a 'Baby, You're a Rich Man, Too.'
The second suspect is George Martin.
On 13 February 1962, Brian Epstein met Sir George Martin, CBE (as he then
wasn't) and begged him to sign "The Beatles" to the Parlophone record label.
Epstein knew that Martin was the one after only 10 minutes, because he was
still standing in Martin's office and not flat on his face in the back yard
with a big boot imprint on the back of his trousers.
George asked Epstein one simple question: "Do "The Beatles" know what real
money is?" (He was using J. L. Austin's trouser word, 'real').
Epstein replied, "No, of course not."
When George Martin was ordered to be present in the studio by EMI the
endless takes of Beatles' songs, this had a slightly negative effect on him, as
he was once heard screaming in the toilet:
(allegedly):
"God, the endless, mind-numbing repetition of a basic 3-chord structure –
will it ever stop?!?"
(His idea of music was Debussy, which he first learned at Bromley)
Fifth Beatle?
The third suspect is Neil Aspinall.
.
If he could drag himself out of bed, Aspinall drove The Beatles around
Liverpool in an old van he bought for £80 and a bag of carrots.
He charged each of the group five shillings per concert, but reduced his
rates if a wheel fell off and they had to push it uphill in winter.
Aspinall drove The Beatles down to London on New Year's Eve for the famous
Decca recording in 1960, but lost his bearings and drove around the British
Isles 15 times before crashing through the front doors of the Decca studio
on New Year's Eve, 1961.
Although being medically-defined as being "Work-shy", Aspinall learned how
to use a telephone, but when he tried to dial the number for the "Speaking
Clock" he accidentally called a lawyer who suggested that Apple could sue
the pants off Apple computers and EMI if they were really interested in
telephone numbers.
This appealed to Aspinall's attitude to work, as during the ensuing court
cases he could often be found sunning himself in the south of France, or
playing with coloured pencils on his desk.
Fifth Beatle? No.
The next suspect is Mal Evans.
Evans was employed to buy white socks for Lennon in varying colours and
Marks & Spencer’s underpants for Starr when Starr had an embarrassing doctor’
s appointment.
Evans was also musical.
He glued his fingers to the wrong Hammond organ keys on "You Won't See Me,"
repeatedly hit an anvil (with his head) on "Maxwell's Silver Hammer," and
destroyed a cheap Swiss alarm clock (with his head) on "A Day in the Life".
In his diaries Evans said he wrote the lyrics to "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely
Hearts Club Band" and "Fixing a Hole".
Sir Paul McCartney has repeatedly denied this, saying that Evans was out
buying socks and underpants at the time.
Evans was later shot by the L.A. Police after being caught stealing men's
underwear from washing lines.
Fifth Beatle? No.
The next suspect is Billy Preston
The Beatles released “Get Back” as “The Beatles with Billy Preston”
which is pretty good, but only playing three chords doesn't help at all.
Fifth Beatle? No.
Next suspect: session musicians.
According to Grice, session musicians should not "be counted, otherwise 40
members of the London Philharmonic would have to be included, which would
make this list longer than the The Bible. almost".).
The next suspect is Ringo Star's mother: Emmeline Starr.
It is NOT a well known fact even among Beatles fans that during the fifth
take for the Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band song "Within You Without
You", Emmeline Starr found her way into the EMI Record studio where the
Beatles were recording.
At approximately 2:03 in the song, she can be heard saying "Richie [Ringo]!
I ironed all of your socks for tomorrow evening!".
Afterwards, she tripped on a stray cord and every single pair of Ringo's
socks fell into the sitar that George was playing, and the sitar exploded.
In the final version heard on the album, George Martin tried to cover up
the incident by turning down the volume really low at that section.
This resulted in a short pause where the song seems to fade, then reappear
five seconds later to cover up for the suddenly muffled sitar solo.
Many avid Beatles fans are convinced that John can be heard saying "I
buried Paul" in the end of the album version of "Strawberry Fields Forever".
This, of course, is a hoax.
What is heard, according to Grice, is *Emmeline Starr* saying "I buried
Paul."
This referred to what happened the night before between Paul McCartney and
herself.
The ashamed Paul snuck into EMI that night and, with the help of George
Martin, reversed the reels of tape to muffle the sound of her speaking.
His excuse for doing so was "he was under the influence" (+> of George Mart
in)
Fifth Beatle? No.
Sixth suspect:
Tony Sheridan recorded “My Bonnie” with The Beatles in Germany during
WWII, which was a song about a Scottish cat that could swim.
95% of Beatles’ fans have heard of Sheridan, but 100% could never pick him
out of a police lineup.
Fifth Beatle? No.
The seventh suspect is Jimmy Nicole.
Nicol drummed with The Beatles when Starr was in hospital with rabies, but
it was proven that Starr didn’t really have rabies and had simply,
allegedly, overdosed on 5 dustbins-full of yoghurt and cream.
Nicol was sacked by Epstein's butler bysemaphore, but as recompense he was
offered a job in Epstein's shop stacking toasters in the warehouse.
Nicol later claimed that Epstein gave him a new hoover, a dishwasher and a
fake Rolex watch for his drumming on the Beatles' cover-version of Frank
Sinatra's "Love Me Do-Be-Do-Be-Do".
Fifth Beatle? No.
The eighth suspect is Tommy Moore.
Tommy Moore played drums with The Beatles on a tour of Scotland supporting
rocker Johnny 'Bite Yer Balls Off' Gentle.
The Beatles' van (driven by Aspinall) fell off a cross-channel ferry on
route to France, and Moore allegedly lost an ear.
Moore left The Beatles on the advice of his girlfriend and worked as a
fork-lift truck driver in a bottling factory.
Fifth Beatle? No.
Ninth suspects: The Quarrymen
Ex-members, Grice notes, of The Quarrymen such as Pete Shotton, Colin
Hanton, Len Garry, Eric Griffiths, Rod Davis (plus his Aunty Nellie, cousin
Roger and four relatives in New Zealand) have all claimed they were definitely
not the fifth Beatle, but the implicature WAS invited.
They denied it so often that a cult grew around them and they were forced
to attend the "I-Am-Definitely-Not-The-Fifth-Beatle" convention in 2005, and
"Call Me The Fifth Beatle Again and I'll Knock You Out" festival in 2006.
The Fifth Beatle? No.
The tenth suspect is Yoko Ono.
Lennon promised the rest of the group that Yoko Ono would definitely stay
in bed during recordings, but forgot to mention that the bed would be in the
Abbey Road #2 studio.
Ono's snoring (since Ritchie was mentioning this as a proof of God's
existence) can be softly heard on the songs, "I'm Only Sleeping", "Good Night",
and "Golden Slumbers". In "Bungalow Bill", she providing the only female
lead vocal on a Beatles' recording, "for a single line," Grice adds
disimplicating this is still true).
McCartney specially wrote "She Came in Through the Bathroom Window" for
Yoko Ono.
Aspinall fully tested the bed for 10 hours before every recording session,
and Evans smashed the alarm clock with his head on "A Day In The Life" so
as not to disturb her. Ono later persuaded Lennon to give interviews in bed
so she could catch up on a bit more sleep.
Fifth Beatle? No.
The eleventh suspect is George Best:
In 1965, the British media declared Irish football-legend George Best "The
Fifteenth Beatle" when they heard from a bloke in the pub that he was Pete
Best's identical twin sister.
The fact that Best was rich, had two circumcised feet and a tattoo on his
left leg that read "I love Gordonstown sausages" convinced many journalists,
even though Best said he had absolutely no idea who The Beatles were,
thought pianos were for standing bottles of champagne on.
The Fifth Beatle? No.
Conclusion: McEvoy's "Beatle No. 5" is metaphorical (for a study of
metaphor vide Grice, "You're the cream in my coffee"), i.e. a figure of
rhetoric,
an implicature.
Cheers,
Speranza
------------------------------------------------------------------
To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off,
digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html
