[lit-ideas] Re: Had I been born ten thousand years ago, I'd be dead by now.
- From: Julie Krueger <juliereneb@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sat, 9 Oct 2010 03:40:48 -0500
A somewhat amusing ditty I found somewhere years ago:
Rules for Yankees moving to the South
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later as to how
to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice doesn't mean we can. Stay at
home the two days of the year that it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab
of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along
shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what
they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
5. Remember. "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is
plural possessive.
6. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't
understand you either.
7. (My personal favourite) If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey y'all's,
watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will
say.
8. Florida is not considered a Southern state. There are far more Yankee
Southerners there.
9. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly
in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model
of vehicle known as the John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane
position for the vehicle.
10. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most
minute accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery
store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just
something you're supposed to do.
Who knew Missouri was a Southern state?
Julie Krueger
On Fri, Oct 8, 2010 at 11:40 PM, David Ritchie <ritchierd@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>wrote:
> Brill. Someone else, someone who writes nice [add Memphis accent here]
> carrying on. I am not alone on the planet after all. Who knew?
> >
> > I know all you feral cat fans will be pleased to know that a "capture and
> release" clan descended on the apartment complex where I live with about 13
> feral cats and as far as I can tell has capture them all, neutered them and
> returned them. Good work, I say. I don't think the Catholic Church
> approves though. I don't think it's fair that animals can be sterilized but
> not humans. We're animals after all. Maybe that's why priests like little
> boys, they don't have to worry about pregnancy.
>
> An Italian vet, a friend, explained that where she comes from there is some
> kind of colony law. If a group of cats is of a certain size, they are
> untouchable. One or two cats..., you can encourage them to move on. Once
> they've taken over the Coliseum, you're hooped. Noli me tangere, I'm a cat.
> >
> > Memphis Light Gas and Water turned off my electrical power today, just
> because I haven't paid my bill. Hrrrmmph! But they'll have to get up a lot
> earlier if they want to beat me. I have about a mile of extension cords,
> and I know where the "House" outlet is. I'm sitting here under a fan typing
> away on my computer, My refrigerator is still humming along, a lamp lights
> the bathrooms and one in the kitchen and front room -- : ) it's like
> nothing has happened. And my landlord is paying for it all. Life is sweet.
>
> As she says, "Good-a luck-a."
> >
> > I've known for quite some time now that if I had been born in
> pre-techological time, my physical size and my poor vision would have
> condemned me to Evolution's unfit. Unable to throw a spear with any
> authority, unable to keep up with the running herd of long-legged hunters,
> I would surely have been shunted aside, left to die (sad, isn't it?). Bur
> rejoice! I was born in a age of optics! And of grocery stores! I'm alive!
> I'm alive! -- that's the thought behind my Subject line.
> I'm reminded of a war spoof sketch. Where do they put the folk who can't
> see well? At the Front.
> >
> > Have fun, see clearly and remember: Helen Keller the next time you feel
> put upon.
>
> Good wishes,
> keep putting the drops in,
>
>
> David Ritchie,
> Portland,
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