[lit-ideas] God Save the Queen
- From: "Julie Krueger" <juliereneb@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Wed, 26 Mar 2008 12:07:28 -0500
*I couldn't stop laughing ('course the 5:30 a.m. bedtime probably didn't
help...sleep deprivation isn't all it's cracked up to be). Barring the
roundabouts (I've always considered them pure evil), I'm all for it. If
Obama weren't going to pull it out, we'd be headed for a dynastic pseudo
monarchy anyway...
Julie Krueger
<<Message from John Cleese (British comedian)
To: The citizens of the United States of America:
*
In light of your failure to nominate competent
candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation
of your independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will
resume monarchical duties over all states,
commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas,which
she does not fancy).
Your new prime minister, Gordon Brown, will
appoint a governor for America without the
need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford
English Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the
pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how
wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words
such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will
learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the
suffix -ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your
vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same twenty-seven words
interspersed with filler noises such as
'like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and
inefficient form of communication.
There is no such thing as US English. We will
let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft
spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the
reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize.
You will relearn your original national anthem, God
Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a
holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues
without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact
that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows
that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If
you're not adult enough to sort things out
without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then
you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed
to own or carry anything more dangerous than a
vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you
wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They
are crap and this is for your own good. When we show
you German cars, you will understand what we mean.
Holden Monaro's are also approved.
8. All intersections will be replaced with
roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left
with immediate effect. At the same time you will go
metric, without the benefit of conversion tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you
understand the British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on
petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly
$6/US gallon. Get used to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those
things you call French fries are not real chips, and
those things you insist on calling potato chips are
properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut,
deep fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup
but salt and vinegar.
11.
The cold tasteless stuff you insist on
calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth,
only proper British Bitter will be referred to as
beer, and European brews of known and accepted
provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African
beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound
the greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only
be due to the beer. They are also part of British
Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American
brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's
Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further
confusion.
12. Hollywood will be required occasionally
to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will
also be required to cast English actors to play
English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt
English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an
experience akin to having one's ears removed with a
cheese grater.
13. You will cease playing American
football. There is only one kind of proper football;
you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will,
in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some
similarities to American football, but does not
involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of
nancies).
Don't try Rugby - the South Africans and
Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. Further, you will stop playing baseball.
It is not reasonable to host an event called the
World Series for a game which is not played outside of
America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there
is a world beyond your borders, your error is
understandable.
You will learn cricket, and we will let you
face the South Africans first to take the sting out of
their deliveries.
15. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's
been driving us mad.
16. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax
collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be
with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all
monies due (backdated to 1776).
17. Daily Tea Time
begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups;
never mugs; with high quality biscuits (cookies) and
cakes; strawberries in season.
God save the Queen.
John Cleese>>
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