[lit-ideas] Fwd: Sunday Twofer (corrected)
- From: David Ritchie <profdritchie@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Sun, 5 Jan 2014 11:14:28 -0800
> My apologies. Wrong again.
David
>
>
> Begin forwarded message:
>>
>>>
>>>
>>> This week there was plenty of mist in which to watch chickens. I was
>>> promoted from assistant chicken keeper to temporary first custodian (and
>>> U.N. observer), a promotion that came with no increase in pay but
>>> considerable improvement of social status. The hitherto unremarked thing
>>> about rain, of which we had some too, is that it cleans up after chickens.
>>> It has been an unusually dry period and thus the shovel bearers (aka the
>>> F.C.U.N.O. and his crew of none) have had much work to do. Also the dog;
>>> he too had much work to do. One of the hard things to teach even an old
>>> dog is that chicken poo is unlikely to be good for you. New smells and
>>> tastes are so tempting. Mac is generally protective of the chickens,
>>> except when they steal water or food from his bowl; then in the manner of
>>> Scottish ancestors, he retaliates by raiding theirs.
>>> We took him to the coast. Beside the channel where the full tide drains
>>> Tillamook Bay across a bar, the channel where in 2003 nine people died in
>>> an accident, we exercised him on a wide open beach. He was happy; we
>>> think he thinks retrieving is his primary job and the border collie in him
>>> drives him to work till exhausted. Even in his old age he will run till he
>>> can run no more. He always circles left. Maybe it's a political thing, or
>>> something to do with the earth's magnetic field, or a behavior learned by
>>> ancestors from haggi in the wild (which beasts are said by those who know
>>> to have legs longer on the one side than the other). When we arrived home
>>> I briefly wondered if Mac thinks, as a farm dog might, that I own the means
>>> to kill him. We went into the garden to check on the chickens. Mac
>>> brought the ball and placed it at my feet, as if to say, "You know I'm
>>> still available for work. I know you have no pension scheme. I'm not done.
>>> Really." We ignored the ball, and when we were watching a movie later I
>>> explained as much as I could with reassuring touch.
>>>
>>> This week the chickens got a new water bowl. Thus, in addition to the
>>> water in their coop area and water from the dog's bowl, they now have a
>>> mysterious and shiny stainless steel item around which to gather. At each
>>> location they sip very delicately and appear to gargle as they swallow, but
>>> the new item serves an additional behavioral function, the same function as
>>> water delivery systems in offices--it gives them a gathering place for
>>> conversation. Unlike humans, chickens seem to have little interest in
>>> gossip and office politics. Instead they are currently struggling with two
>>> problems: not being mentioned in the New Year's honors list, and issues
>>> that heavyweights like Sartre and Wittgenstein have taught us to consider.
>>> They're currently coping with the fact that the universe is not always what
>>> denizens of the British Civil Service call, "sound." One example: running
>>> up against a bush in a manner that hurt, Wensleydale exclaimed loudly and
>>> chastised the bush. Then she sat down to think. After twenty minutes of
>>> cogitation she may have been about to reach an important conclusion when
>>> Appenzeller arrived and told her that the pain she was feeling was her own
>>> fault. "No," she said, quite suddenly, "I doubt that." Shortly thereafter
>>> Mimo tried this new formulation on a stone, using an ego-centric emphasis,
>>> "*I* doubt that." Cheddar then stared for a while at the manifest
>>> visibility of the air she was breathing, "I doubt that this is a spade."
>>> "You can't doubt air," said Appenzeller, "it would make life difficult."
>>> Much nodding followed.
>>> Not enjoying philosophy, Rocky asked whether anyone wanted to play tennis.
>>> Cheddar then shocked everyone, "I prefer badminton."
>>> There followed much what-whatting, which is to say that one of them said,
>>> "what" and then another said "what," and Appenzeller eventually put an end
>>> to things by saying, "What, what"? Cheddar dropped the bomb. She asked in
>>> this instance which, if any, iteration of "what" was operative, and which
>>> could be understood as imaginary practice. You'll not be surprised to
>>> learn that this caused consternation. Where was the idiot Cheddar? Who
>>> was this interloper? Rocky tested the ground literally and metaphorically.
>>> "You known the thing people hit when they play badminton is called a
>>> 'bird?'"
>>> Cheddar said, "Not in England, it isn't."
>>> Here was the crux, "We're not in England."
>>> Cheddar was ready, "I doubt that."
>>> Appenzeller said, "You can't doubt that."
>>> "Why not? It's not air we're talking about. I can doubt anything I want."
>>> "No, you can't."
>>> "Can."
>>> "Can't."
>>> "Kant," said Wennsleydale. No one had a clue why .
>>> Cheddar waggled her head from side to side as if to stretch a stiff neck,
>>> "I call the thing you hit a 'shuttlecock,' and I have a right to call it
>>> whatever I want. It's a free country."
>>> "Where?" asked Appenzeller.
>>> "Whaaaaat?"
>>> "Whaaaaat!"
>>> Peccarino came running up, "Something wrong?"
>>> "Cheddar's taken a linguistic turn."
>>> "That," said Peccarino, nodding importantly, "is roots."
>>> Rocky picked up the outer peel of a brussel sprout, "No one would doubt
>>> this." Appenzeller rushed over, wanting to share in the moment of
>>> non-doubt. She was too late to get a taste. "It's gone," Peccarino
>>> lamented. "Here one moment gone the next. What a world."
>>> "Sic transit gloria mundi," said Wensleydale.
>>> They all gave her a look. Appenzeller said, "That's in foreign."
>>> They grubbed, forming themselves once again into three groups, the DDF, the
>>> MFC and the DUF. The DDF and the MFC eventually reached the conclusion
>>> that an alliance against all foreign-sounding weirdos might be a
>>> possibility.
>>>
>>>
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