[lit-ideas] Re: FW: RE: Re: Just read a novel

  • From: Eric Yost <eyost1132@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
  • Date: Fri, 20 Oct 2006 17:23:52 -0400

Robert quotes Neato-zschee, the unkempt mustache guy from the sanitarium photo, "The thought of . . . many a bad night."

Mary Louise Gilman, Neato-zschee's only reliable biographer and the editor of the National Shorthand Reporter, offers real-life transcribed exchanges in _Humor in the Court_.

Q. Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated? A. By death. Q. And by whose death was it terminated?

Q. Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods? A. No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.

Q. Mrs. Smith, do you believe that you are emotionally unstable? A. I should be. Q. How many times have you committed suicide? A. Four times.

Q. Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people? A. All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.

Q. Were you acquainted with the deceased? A. Yes, sir. Q. Before or after he died?

Q. What happened then?
A. He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q. Did he kill you?
A. No.

Q. Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A. No. This is how I dress when I go to work.

Q. ...and what did he do then? A. He came home, and next morning he was dead. Q. So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q. Could you see him from where you were standing? A. I could see his head. Q. And where was his head? A. Just above his shoulders.

Q. ...any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?
A. The victim lived.

Q. Are you sexually active? A. No, I just lie there.

Q. Are you qualified to give a urine sample? A. Yes, I have been since early childhood.

Q. The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it. You too were shot in the fracas?
A. No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.

Q. Doctior, what is the meaning of sperm being present? A. It indicates intercourse. Q. Male sperm? A. That is the only kind I know.

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