[lit-ideas] FW: Canadian Immigration Crisis
- From: "William Ball" <ballnw@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "Lit Ideas" <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Thu, 2 Dec 2004 07:58:34 -0500
My daughter, Ingrid, sent me this. Thought you might get a laugh.
Bill
William Ball
Norma Ball=20
-----Original Message-----
From: In.Ball@xxxxxxx [mailto:In.Ball@xxxxxxx]=20
Sent: Wednesday, December 01, 2004 2:47 PM
To: ballnw@xxxxxxxxxxx; francescball@xxxxxxxxxxx; REDSSD@xxxxxxx
Subject: Canadian Immigration Crisis
NEWS --- Canadian Crossings
The flood of American liberals sneaking across the border into Canada
has
intensified in the past week, sparking calls for increased patrols to
stop
the illegal immigration. The re-election of President Bush is prompting
the
exodus among Left-leaning citizens who fear they'll soon be required to
hunt, pray and agree with Bill O'Reilly.
Canadian border farmers say it's not uncommon to see dozens of sociology
professors, animal rights activists and Unitarians crossing their fields
at
night. "I went out to milk the cows the other day, and there was a
Hollywood producer huddled in the barn," said Manitoba farmer Red
Greenfield, whose acreage borders North Dakota. "The producer was cold,
exhausted and hungry. He asked me if I could spare a latte and some
free-range chicken. When I said I didn't have any, he left. Didn't even
get
a chance to show him my screenplay, eh?"
In an effort to stop the illegal aliens, Greenfield erected higher
fences
but the liberals scaled them. So he tried installing speakers that blare
Rush Limbaugh across the fields. "Not real effective," he said. "The
liberals still got through, and Rush annoyed the cows so much they
wouldn't
give milk."
Officials are particularly concerned about smugglers who meet liberals
near
the Canadian border, pack them into Volvo station wagons, drive them
across
the border and leave them to fend for themselves. "A lot of these people
are not prepared for rugged conditions," an Ontario border patrolman
said.
"I found one carload without a drop of drinking water. They did have a
nice
little Napa Valley cabernet, though."
When liberals are caught, they're sent back across the border, often
wailing loudly that they fear retribution from conservatives. Rumors
have
been circulating about the Bush administration establishing re-education
camps in which liberals will be forced to drink domestic beer and watch
NASCAR.
In the days since the election, liberals have turned to sometimes
ingenious
ways of crossing the border. Some have taken to posing as senior
citizens
on bus trips to buy cheap Canadian prescription drugs. After catching a
half-dozen young vegans disguised in powdered wigs, Canadian immigration
authorities began stopping buses
and quizzing the supposed senior-citizen passengers. "If they can't
identify the accordion player on The Lawrence Welk Show, we get
suspicious
about their age," an official said.
Canadian citizens have complained that the illegal immigrants are
creating
an organic-broccoli shortage and renting all the good Susan Sarandon
movies. "I feel sorry for American liberals, but the Canadian economy
just
can't support them," an Ottawa resident said. "How many art-history
majors does one country need?"
In an effort to ease tensions between the United States and Canada,
Vice-President Dick Cheney met with the Canadian ambassador and pledged
that the administration would take steps to reassure liberals, a source
close to Cheney said. "We're going to have some Peter, Paul & Mary
concerts. And we might put some endangered
species on postage stamps. The president is determined to reach out."
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