"The latest edition of the Pew Global Attitudes Survey shows
that favorable opinions of the United States have fallen
again in 12 out of 15 countries polled, a sad reflection of
a country's loss of image. How can America recover
international legitimacy?"
1. Send out 5.8 billion personalized notes of apology for
losing international legitimacy.
2. Commission artists to create works that "reflect a
country's loss of image." (To those who wonder how to
"reflect a loss of image," whisper the name "Magritte.")
3. All US military hardware--including missiles, tanks,
jets, and naval vessels--must be stenciled with the words,
"Please Love Me."
4. Obtain personal leverage over directors of the Pew Global
Attitudes Survey, and have them conduct a new "survey" that
shows favorable opinions of the United States have
skyrocketed in 15 out of 15 countries polled.
5. Publicize the fact that no other nation has international
legitimacy so that the US doesn't appear to stand out so
much, and in fact appears to be "a regular nation."
6. Rename the United States, but keep the new name secret so
that when disgruntled outlanders complain about US lack of
legitimacy, policymakers can respond, "I know they're not
talking about us."
7. Let others countries vote to determine US foreign policy.
When calamities and imbroglios ensue, all US diplomats will
respond, "Don't blame us."
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