[lit-ideas] Coastopia!
- From: "Andreas Ramos" <andreas@xxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 11:13:19 -0800
(going around the web -- andreas)
Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that we can't
live in the
United States anymore, because so many of you in the "heartland" are so full of
shit. We
were all going to move to various other countries, but then we thought - why
should WE move?
We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine if
it is safe for
us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in
Wyoming
contributing to the national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the
only thing we
could. We seceeded.
May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.
That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and
California are
joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New England. In the middle
of the
country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine
produce of Iowa's
soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous. What's with the other dots? Oh
yes, we're
taking Chapel Hill and Durham, North Carolina too. I'm not going to live in a
country
without the Tar Heels. (And Duke? You're being moved to Greensboro, just like
Wake Forest
was. Sorry! Assholes.) The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve.
American
Coastopia needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you.
Sure, you can
visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.
I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have most
of them,
because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back, turning the whole
thing into a
giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think tanks.
Wall Street and
other financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe
will suit your
needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a
terrorist target for
your benefit.
A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in American
Coastopia, and
homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. We will
have our own
currency, and trade with any countries we want. Everyone will have health care.
Everyone
will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually
unknown. We
believe in a meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and
state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006. Yes, we're taking all the
people that ever
created everything beautiful. Yes, we're taking all the funny people too. All
the sculptors,
architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen. You should have
treated them
better when you had them.
We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer from your
United States
of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United States of My Friends,
the Nation of
Two: my wife and I. We hold our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by
the way you
treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises
America, and we
don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.
Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come to us. In
American
Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are always hot, and we
have a trundle
bed for each and every one of you.
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