[lit-ideas] Coastopia!

  • From: "Andreas Ramos" <andreas@xxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Wed, 10 Nov 2004 11:13:19 -0800

(going around the web -- andreas)

Ladies and gentlemen, you needn't fret anymore. We have decided that we can't 
live in the 
United States anymore, because so many of you in the "heartland" are so full of 
shit. We 
were all going to move to various other countries, but then we thought - why 
should WE move? 
We are tired of rednecks in Oklahoma picking the leader who will determine if 
it is safe for 
us to cross the Brooklyn Bridge. We are sick of homophobic knuckle-draggers in 
contributing to the national debate on our gay marriages. So we have done the 
only thing we 
could.  We seceeded.

May I present to you: AMERICAN COASTOPIA.

That's right, American Coastopia. The states of Washington, Oregon and 
California are 
joining us on one coast, and we will provide all of New England. In the middle 
of the 
country, we have taken Iowa and Illinois, mostly because we need the fine 
produce of Iowa's 
soil, and the museums in Chicago are fabulous.  What's with the other dots? Oh 
yes, we're 
taking Chapel Hill and Durham, North Carolina too. I'm not going to live in a 
without the Tar Heels. (And Duke? You're being moved to Greensboro, just like 
Wake Forest 
was. Sorry! Assholes.)  The other dot is New Orleans, which you don't deserve.  
Coastopia needs a place to gamble, and the locals want nothing to do with you. 
Sure, you can 
visit, but it isn't part of your country anymore.

I can sense your worry. Who will get all the banks? You can fucking have most 
of them, 
because we're taking downtown and midtown Manhattan back, turning the whole 
thing into a 
giant artist colony replete with movie studios and progressive think tanks. 
Wall Street and 
other financial institutions will be relocated to Charlotte, which we believe 
will suit your 
needs better. Frankly, the good folks in Manhattan are sick of being a 
terrorist target for 
your benefit.

A word about our politics. Abortions will be safe and legal in American 
Coastopia, and 
homosexual men and women will be free to marry at their discretion. We will 
have our own 
currency, and trade with any countries we want. Everyone will have health care. 
will have an identity card. Homelessness and unemployment will be virtually 
unknown. We 
believe in a meritocracy and a huge chasm between church and
state. 100% of our cars will be hybrid by 2006. Yes, we're taking all the 
people that ever 
created everything beautiful. Yes, we're taking all the funny people too. All 
the sculptors, 
architects, surgeons, philosophers, violinists and fishermen. You should have 
treated them 
better when you had them.

We have no pledge of allegiance, but I can say this: I am no longer from your 
United States 
of America. I belong to American Coastopia, the United States of My Friends, 
the Nation of 
Two: my wife and I. We hold our noses as we fly over you. We are sickened by 
the way you 
treat people that are different from you. The rest of the world despises 
America, and we 
don't want to be lumped in with you anymore.

Please, all of you who went to bed last night sick with worry, come to us. In 
Coastopia, the light is always on, the hazelnut lattés are always hot, and we 
have a trundle 
bed for each and every one of you.

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