[lit-ideas] Cautions for Halloween
- From: Andy Amago <aamago@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Date: Fri, 8 Oct 2004 13:46:53 -0400 (GMT-04:00)
With Halloween upon us, it is worthwhile to remember a few simple rules to help
keep this season healthy, happy and SAFE!! Please use these helpful hints this
and every year.
1. When it appears that you have killed the monster, NEVER check to see if it's
really dead.
2. Never (ever) read a book of demon summoning aloud, not even as a joke.
3. Do not search the basement, especially if the power has gone out.
4. If your children speak to you in Latin or any other language which they
should not know, shoot them immediately. It will save you a lot of grief in the
long run. However, it will probably take several rounds to kill them, so be
prepared. This also applies to kids who speak with somebody else's voice.
5. When you have the benefit of numbers, NEVER pair off and go alone.
6. As a general rule, don't solve puzzles that open portals to Hell.
7. Never stand in, on, or above a grave, tomb, or crypt. This would apply to
any other house of the dead as well.
8. If you're searching for something which caused a loud noise and find out
that it's just the cat, GET OUT!
9. If appliances start operating by themselves, do not check for short
circuits; just get out!
10. Do not take ANYTHING from the dead.
11. If you find a town, which looks deserted, there's probably a good reason
for it. Don't stop and look around.
12. Don't fool with recombinant DNA technology unless you're sure you know what
you're doing.
13. If you're running from the monster, expect to trip or fall down at least
twice. Also note that, despite the fact that you are running and the monster is
merely shambling along, it's still moving fast enough to catch up with you.
14. If your companions suddenly begin to exhibit uncharacteristic behavior such
as hissing, fascination for blood, glowing eyes, increasing hairiness,
multilevel marketing, and so on, kill them immediately.
15. Stay away from certain geographical locations, some of which are listed
here: Amityville, Elm Street, Transylvania, Nilbog (you're in trouble if you
recognize this one), anywhere in Texas where chain saws are sold, the Bermuda
Triangle, or any small town in Maine.
16. If your car runs out of gas at night on a lonely road, do not go to the
nearby deserted-looking house to phone for help. If you think that it is
strange you ran out of gas because you thought you had most of a tank, shoot
yourself instead. You are going to die anyway, and most likely be eaten.
17. Beware of strangers bearing tools. For example: chain saws, staple guns,
hedge trimmers, electric carving knives, combines, lawn mowers, butane torches,
soldering irons, band saws, or any devices made from deceased companions.
18. If you find that your house is built upon a cemetery, now is the time to
move in with the in-laws. This also applies to houses that had previous
inhabitants who went mad or committed suicide or died in some horrible fashion,
or had inhabitants who performed satanic practices.
19. Dress appropriately. When investigating a noise downstairs in an old house,
women should not wear flimsy negligees. And carry a flashlight, not a candle.
20. Do not mention the names of demons around open flames, as these can flare
suddenly. Be especially careful of fireplaces in this regard.
21. Do not go looking for witches in the Maryland countryside.
22. If you enter a house and a disembodied voice tells you to "GET OUT", listen
to the helpful voice and leave.
23. Creepy old houses, campsites, or castles are never good places for a party.
24. If anyone offers you $1,000,000 if you just stay the night in a house, just
leave and go buy a lottery ticket. Your chances of winning the lottery are
slightly higher than your chances of living through the night.
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