[lit-ideas] Re: Cannon-Ho
- From: David Ritchie <ritchierd@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Sun, 15 May 2005 17:11:03 -0700
Those of you who know me of old, know that I have long wanted a cannon.
On Friday, after the meeting in which I was awarded about a thousand tasks
in conjunction with this conference we're putting on in October, but before
going into the college to sign C and D theses--all the A and B students and
one or two of the C students had had me sign their theses at the time
specified, on Tuesday--I decided to check out the going out of business sale
at Portland antiques. Some of our living room furniture came from there,
our record cabinet, for example. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, but
the ad in the paper said, "Up to eighty percent off."
Right by the front door was the cannon I have been looking for all these
years. It was a garden cannon--cast in two pieces and therefore not
fire-able--perfect in size and shape, mounting and provenance. The only
problem--apart from a small amount of obnoxious gold paint--was the asking
price, which, though half the original, was still-- by my lights-- too high.
Fortunately the owner was at his desk. He and I have chatted from time to
time. He went to Lewis and Clark College and then fell for England in a big
way, marrying an English woman, driving a Jag...the whole bit. Most of his
antiques, including this cannon, are English. So we began a conversation...
was the sign correct or did he have additional discounts in mind? He
admitted that with the final closing auction five weeks away, there might be
some flexibility. Did I realize that it was made in Birmingham? I had
noted a second price tag on the floor. Was this, perhaps, an indication of
how low he wanted to go? No, that was from another item and he certainly
couldn't go that low. He said it was a signal cannon. I said that anything
cast in two halves was likely to break into two halves with the least
explosion, so no, not a signal cannon.
The conversation drifted--with very careful steering--towards Jags and
British cars. We were doing fine on that subject and then I made the
mistake of inquiring how his wife was. His "second ex-wife" is what he
called her, both of them English. I wasn't sure which one I'd met. The
second apparently, identified by her love of carpets. Would a little more
money be a good price for the cannon? No? I told a story about collecting
my future in-laws from Heathrow airport in a very, very small FIAT. He
waxed enthusiastic, having once had a FIAT himself. And then a Lancia or
two. I had once tried to buy a Lancia. Would I be interested in a Jag? I
asked what kind of Jag we were talking about. An eighteen thousand dollar S
type Jag. Er, no.
By this time we'd established that we were in a negotiation over the
cannon's price, that neither of us was new to the game, that he was
descended from Polish jews, that he owns about a dozen cars, that we had
much in common, that he once passed up the chance to own a left hand drive
London taxi. Why is this extraordinary? It had less than fifteen thousand
miles on it, which is about two hundred and eighty five thousand miles short
of its allotted span, this being a very sturdy diesel vehicle. At the price
he mentioned, I would have bought the thing in an instant.
Which was a little shorter than the time it took us to arrive at a price for
the cannon, but arrive we finally did, with me happy and him happy and my
car's trunk proving big enough for its latest task; my SAAB the cannon
carrier. Home again, home again, clickty clunk.
Today I bought some records at an estate sale in the neighborhood, brought
them home, puzzled over why they didn't sound right. They were in perfect
condition. My equipment looked fine. Eventually I found the
problem--someone had turned upside down the rubber mat on which records sit.
No one in the household did it. A mystery. If we are suffering from
mat-turning burglars, I clearly bought my cannon in the nick of time.
David Ritchie
Portland, Oregon.
------------------------------------------------------------------
To change your Lit-Ideas settings (subscribe/unsub, vacation on/off,
digest on/off), visit www.andreas.com/faq-lit-ideas.html
Other related posts:
