[lit-ideas] A pope has been elected

  • From: "Andreas Ramos" <andreas@xxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: "Lit-Ideas" <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Thu, 14 Apr 2005 18:07:52 -0700

Catholic Cardinals Stunned
Reported by Willie E. Fox



The almost 120 Cardinals from around the world that gathered to choose a 
successor in the 
Vatican's Sistine Chapel were stunned and expressed amazement. Cardinal Mohoney 
the Vatican 
spokesperson had this to say, "We in the conclave are all shocked. We cast our 
votes using 
these new electronic voting machines. The results overwhelmingly favored George 
W. Bush over 
all the Catholic candidates. The last Pope, John Paul, was a superb linguist, 
fluently 
speaking 11 languages. This one can't speak fluently in one language. We just 
don't know 
what to say."



The White House has announced that Dick Cheney will assume command as President 
of the world 
tomorrow morning, when "W' travels to Rome to begin his duties as Pope.



George W. Bush had this to say moments ago as he spoke from the Rose Garden: "I 
am honored 
to be the spiritual lighthouse and the first War Pope. I promise Evangelical 
Catho-licks and 
Prostates alike that I will be embodied in salvation and fair in the 
performance of my 
duties. I am a Unitifier, not a Divide-a-cater. I am obliged to try to save as 
many lost 
souls as I can, at least the Devout Wealthy Elite Souls, as it is well known 
that Heaven is 
a very select place, indeed, it is more exclusive than even the best of country 
clubs. It is 
a members-only Heaven. I may have to put a fence around it.



I will preform miracles in a fair and balanced manner. Just as God use to wipe 
out entire 
races of people without warning, burning whole towns of perverts, killing off 
an entire 
nations, and drowning everybody without a ticket to board Noah's Ark, I shall 
deliver the 
world from Evil Empires as I unleash the Apocalypse Wrath of Revelations. I 
will ensure the 
Rapture and the Reunion with our beloved deceased family members and with our 
departed 
purebred pets. I will not allow those awful Liberal Sissy Homo-sapiens to marry 
each other 
and I will put an end to the Clergy marrying Choirboys.



I will lead the Crusades against all them towel-headed heathens demon-possessed 
voodoo-hoodoo barbarians who's pseudo-religions that don't except Christ as the 
Light of 
Democracy and worship fake, made-up gods. They shall, er, they shall suffer my 
Godly 
Conservative Wrath and I will Destroy them with my Cherubic Armies of Angels 
and they shall 
burn for eternity in Hell, because Me and God don't take no prisoners!



Remember, it is written in the Gospel of Luke, or.... maybe it's Larry, ugh, 
12, ugh,5 or 
something, that Jesus told us we are to live our lives in FEAR of God and the 
Terrorists, 
for God and the Terrorists have the power not only to kill us, but to torture 
us forever in 
Hell. And to you Non Believers and Democrats, I say, I can't wait to see you 
burn in Hell, I 
mean it.....I can't wait!!!"

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