[lit-ideas] A little Friday humor
- From: Andy <mimi.erva@xxxxxxxxx>
- To: lit-ideas <lit-ideas@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Fri, 14 Oct 2011 16:49:15 -0700 (PDT)
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a
restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and
dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." ~ Henry Youngman
It is bad luck to fall out of a thirteenth story window on Friday. ~American
Proverb
If you must have motivation, think of your paycheck on Friday. ~Noel Coward
I always give 100% at work: 13% Monday, 22% Tuesday, 26% Wednesday, 35%
Thursday, 4% Friday. ~ Author Unknown
I don't think I'm alone when I say I'd like to see more and more planets fall
under the ruthless domination of our solar system. Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them
personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Deep Thoughts by Jack
Handey
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God
is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did." Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey
I hope that after I die, people will say of me: 'That guy sure owed me a lot of
money.' Jack Handey
If we could just get everyone to close their eyes and visualize world peace for
an hour, imagine how serene and quiet it would be until the looting
started. Anon
"When Arizona became a state in 1912, the first man it sent to the United
States Senate was a loquacious cowboy called Henry Fountain Ashurst. In his
first address to the Senate, Mr Ashurst boasted that Arizona was 'poised to
become a veritable paradise.' Only two things were needed, he said: 'Water, and
lots of good people'. According to legend, a senator from New England
responded, 'If the gentleman from Arizona will forgive me, that's all they need
in hell.'" Seen in "The Economist"
A recent police study found that you're much more likely to get shot by a fat
cop if you run. Dennis Miler
The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.
David Richerby
If you are completely buried in an avalanche, dig a small hole around you and
spit in it. The saliva will fall down, giving you an idea of which direction is
up. Dig up. A survival tip from the "Worst Case Scenario" calendar
"To err is human, to forgive divine. Neither of which is the policy of the US
Marine Corps." United States Marine Corps slogan
When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn't been a boy I wouldn't have had
anything to play with. Rodney Dangerfield
After twelve years of therapy my psychiatrist said something that brought tears
to my eyes. He said, 'No hablo ingles.' Ronnie Shakes
I am all in favour of spontaneity, providing it is carefully planned and
ruthlessly controlled. John Gielgud, "Forty Years On"
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I can hurl
tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I translate ethnic
slurs for Cuban refugees. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of
ferocious army ants. I don't perspire. Children trust me. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert
operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week. The laws of physics do not apply
to me. In response to the "Anything else" section on an application form
Be wary of strong spirits. It can make you shoot at tax collectors ... and
miss. Robert A. Heinlein
It is a sobering thought, for example, that when Mozart was my age, he had been
dead for two years. Tom Lehrer
Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get
the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the
duck." Rodney Dangerfield
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
Once I saw a vegetarian eating a banana. I asked her how would she like it if
her skin was ripped off and she was eaten alive.
A blind man enters a bar and find his way to a barstool. After ordering a
drink, and sitting there for a while, the blind guy yells to the bartender,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately becomes absolutely quiet. In a husky, deep voice, the woman
next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something. The
bartender is blond, the bouncer is blond and I'm a 6' tall, 200 pound blonde
with a black belt in karate. What's more, the fella sitting next to me is blond
and he's a weightlifter. The woman to your right is a blonde, and she's a pro
wrestler. Think about it seriously, mister. You still wanna tell that blonde
joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
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