SOME GROANERS IN THIS LOT!! Paddy was decorating a home when all of a sudden he knocked some white spirit over a chair and it caught fire. He quickly took off his jacket and smothered the flames out, his apprentice Murphy rushed over and did the same thing. "What are you doing!" asked Paddy "I thought it could do with a second coat!" said Murphy -------------------- I got some paint from B&Q the other day and when I went to pay for it the sales assistant said "would you like a bag for it?" I said "No thanks, it's all right in the tin!" ------------------- I've just opened up a shop specialising in really cheap shelving systems, They're flying off the walls. ----------------- Just bought a new front door, letter box and door bell included all for £15 pounds........Can't knock it. ---------------- I was sent out by the wife to pick up some bits for the house, hanging baskets, duvet covers and the like, only to be chucked out of IKEA 10 minutes later. It turns out that "Scatter Cushions" isn't an instruction. -------------------- I was unsure which adhesive to use paste, PVA or contact adhesive, anyway I picked one up and stuck with it. --------------------- I unfortunately retired last week after some 40 years as a Christmas card decorator......what a glittering career that was. ----------------------- A Policeman pulled me to one side last week and said "You're under arrest for trespassing!" I said "On what grounds?" --------------- I had an odd job man in to do some work round the house. I gave him a list of 10 jobs to do, he only did numbers 1, 3, 5, 7 and 9. ------------------- I've been practising with my hammer all week, I think I've nailed it! ------------- A boy in my school invented the first Gazebo, Never could remember his name just that he had always lived a very sheltered life. ----------------