This article was written by contributing editor Gonz Blinko. From time to time,
Gonz, with whom I rarely spend any time anymore, still sends me an article for
publication here. I received this one from him this morning and found it
interesting, informative and, as always is the case when Gonz writes a piece
here, entertaining.
Introduction
After weeks of investigation, talking to, getting drunk and pumping Apple
employees for information, my friend Bryan Smart and I have gotten our hands
onto a prototype model of the next great innovation coming from Apple. Like the
Nike shoe iPhone app and a bunch of the biometric information collected by the
AppleWatch, this next iPhone add-on gadget is designed to monitor health
related information in a manner never previously seen as necessary for the
millions of people who will plunk down the hefty pile of bucks to get their
hands on this latest in Appleâs line of boutique products.
Welcome the iTurd
Are you getting enough fiber in your diet? Are you eating the right proportions
of vitamins and minerals? Are you carrying potentially dangerous bacteria?
Iâm sure you all ask these questions every day and, coming this autumn as
Apple releases the iPhone 6S and itâs standard Fall line of fashionable
technology, you will have all of these answers and more if you run over to the
Apple store and buy yourself an iTurd.
An Apple marketing professional, under conditions of anonymity, told us,
âSure, e-toilets already exist, as do medical testing laboratories but this
product will revolutionize how we defecate, urinate and vomit forever. And,
unlike the Amazon TurdFire or the Mozilla Foundationâs TurdBird, the iTurd
integrates seamlessly with all of your iCloud enabled devices providing the
most tightly integrated bathroom experience possible. We called the AppleWatch,
âthe most personal product ever,â I think weâve eclipsed that success
with our new iTurd.â â â
What Is the iTurd?
Those of you around my age (55) and older will probably remember the Ty-D-Bowl
television commercial that featured a tiny man riding around in a little boat
in oneâs toilet tank keeping it clean, well, as the AppleWatch is to the Dick
Tracy âvideo watchâ from the comic strips a half century ago, what the
iTurd does is far greater. An iTurd keeps your toilet clean while performing
astounding other tasks unimagined even in the science fiction of my youth. our
Apple marketing source claimed, âthe iTurd provides a visit to the toilet
with a near magical level, itâs like pooping at Disneyland. The iTurd will
make your bowel movements more pleasurable than you may have ever thought
possible and much more pleasant than you are already enjoying today.â
What Does the iTurd Look Like?
An iTurd is âsausage shapedâ according to the Apple marketing materials
but, as I hold mine in my hand, I might say itâs actually âturd shapedâ
with a few added features. Imagine a shit shaped submarine about three and a
half inches long and you have an iTurd in your grasp.
How Does The iTurd Work?
Once charged and paired with oneâs iCloud account, a user simply drops the
iTurd into their toilet bowl and allows it to swim around doing its thing. When
the toilet is not in use, the iTurd cruises around the edges scraping whatever
collected detritus away, keeping your bowl clean enough for Rover to drink from
safely. The iTurd uses only organic citrus generated cleaning fluids in
cleansing mode so is eco-friendly as well.
Butt, Thereâs Moreâ¦
Weâve had all sorts of products for keeping toilets clean so what has Apple
added to make the iTurd into such an exciting and innovative product? In a
single word, itâs: health-informatics. When your toilet is in use, which is
to say you are urinating, moving your bowels or vomiting into it, the iTurd
turns from a highly convenient cleaning product into a tiny submarine
biological laboratory.
Within seconds of your first bit of poop or few grams of pee or puke hitting
the surface of the water in your toilet, the iTurd mode changes and, after
performing chemical analysis on both the fluids and solids in the bowl, sends
your iPhone or other iCloud connected device more than 1500 separate data
points derived from the nano-chemistry performed in this remarkable machine. By
the time your done wiping your ass, your iPad or other iCloud connected device
will be able to tell you everything from your blood sugar level to the
incredibly important âroughage ratio,â information essential to your long
term health and life expectancy. Plain and simply, having an iTurd in your bowl
will help you live a longer and happier life.
What About Micro Organisms?
To date, modern medical science has identified tens of thousands of different
bacteria, viruses, prions and other microscopic organisms that can lead to
profound health problems and, in some cases, even death. With an iTurd, you
will know immediately if any of more than 500 of the most common disease
bearing micro-organisms are festering in your bowels and, being alerted to such
early in the process means that you can get medical treatment during the
incubation process, well before you would otherwise start to show symptoms of
the disease itself. In this sense, you can consider the iTurd to be a fire
alarm for ebola, small pox, polio and literally thousands of other little
buggers that can maim or kill you.
Ever Worry About That Random Drug Test?
Did you go to the Pink Floyd reunion concert and sit too near an old hippy
smoking a joint? Did you accidentally pop a few OXY Codone tablets thinking
they were your morning vitamins? No problem, the iTurd will detect the fifteen
most popular recreational drugs and report on them to you so you can arrive at
work prepared for the worst.
Think You Might Be Pregnant?
If youâve an iTurd in your bowl, it will alert you if you are in even the
early stages of pregnancy. With a quick iTurd alarm, you can go off and get
your âmorning afterâ pills or start planning for a baby in your future.
How The iTurd Remains Charged
Using a new technology called AppleSpin, the iTurd contains components that
turn motion into electricity. When you flush your toilet, the fluids swirling
out spin the iTurd, causing it to recharge. It also provides a USB charging
interface that, remarkably, works perfectly under water.
Itâs Fun For the Whole Family
Each iTurd can be configured to recognize the expulsions of up to six different
people and report information securely and privately to eachâs iCloud enabled
devices. Of course, one would want an iTurd for every toilet in their house as
itâs often difficult to predict where one of the kids will decide to crap.
Information from the iTurd from the kids can be shared with their parentâs
devices so the nitwits who refuse to vaccinate their children can learn of
oncoming measles, mumps and whooping cough. In a sense, the iTurd may be the
product that saves your kidsâ lives.
The iTurd Camera
When little Johnny or Joanie takes their first poop on the âbig kidâ
toilet, your iTurdâs Hindsight® camera can broadcast a butthole view of the
event and, by sending it to your AppleTV, allow the entire family to enjoy
watching the event in big screen HD. And, of course, you can record this very
first stool for viewing again and again.
What About Traveling?
Each iTurd comes with its own specially designed and hyper hygienic carrying
case. If youâre heading off on a business trip or vacation, just reach into
your toilet and pull out the iTurd, drop it into its case and toss it into your
toiletry kit right next to your razor and toothbrush. And, like the other iOS
devices, thereâs a âfind my iTurdâ feature that you can access from any
other of your iCloud attached products to tell if you had accidentally left it
in a hotel toilet so they can mail it back to you.
Optional Features
Our information gathering has told us that the iTurd will be available in
aluminum, stainless steel, gold or platinum plated and in a variety of shades
of brown. Other extras include a telescoping toilet brush for cleaning beneath
the rim and a blue tooth microphone so you can make your FaceTime calls while
sitting on the crapper in the event that you forgot to bring your iPhone, iPad,
Macintosh and/or AppleWatch to the john with you. Did you ever miss out on an
important conference call because you had the runs? With an iTurd in your bowl,
youâll never miss a meeting again.
What About Accessibility?
As with all other iOS devices, the iTurd is accessible out of the box. Just hit
its home button three times quickly and your iTurd will start talking to you.
It can even, via blue tooth, announce its findings to you while youâre still
on the bowl, just in the event that something horrible like small pox is
detected.
Conclusions
I am entirely confident that within a few fiscal quarters, having an iTurd in
your bowl will be an essential for all people who must own all things Apple.
Imagine the embarrassment of having a friend come to your home, drink a few
beers and, upon getting to your toilet for a piss, finds no iTurd? Youâll be
the laughing stock of the entire hipster world. So, as soon as you can get one,
grab hold of an iTurd and embrace this exciting new technology.
Our Apple source told us, âThe iTurd will provide a totally new way we view
our bowel movements and release of other bodily fluids in a manner
incomprehensible ever before. People will live longer and happier lives. The
iTurd is truly the future.â
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