*From*: "Matthew Horspool" <drjaws@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>*To*: <dectalk@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>*Date*: Fri, 20 Aug 2004 15:35:20 +0100

[:phone on] [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf. It's crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive. Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate, and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat. Message ends. Additional: Our biggest enemy is going space crazy through loneliness. The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes. [_<800>] [:np]Red Dwarf, Season 2, Episode 5. Queeg.[_<800>]Sleeping quarters. CAT is on a chair, listening to a personal stereo, LISTER on the bottom bunk. RIMMER is playing draughts with a skutter. LISTER is filling out a questionnaire in a woman's magazine. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "19. When you are alone in bed, what do you wear? Is it: A, nothing at all, B, a flannelette nightie, or C, a sexy black negligee?" [:np]He looks down at his London Jets T-shirt. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] see. "20. Do you think your boobs are: A, too small, B, just right or C, too large?" [:np]He feels one breast. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Definitely too large! So what's me rating? "Mainly sees, You sure are one foxy lady: sexy, sensual and you don't mind showing it." Yee-es! I'm a sex beast! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Yow, Yeah, Yee-oww, oooh, yea-oww! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Do you mind? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] What? Yeaaah, yeee-owww! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm trying to concentrate. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Yeeeeeh, I can't hear you, yow [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What are you listening to? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Owww! Isn't this great? Yoooow! [:np]LISTER takes the tape box from CAT. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] "Robert Hardy reads "Tess Of The Durbevilles?" Let's have a listen. [:np]He listens for a few seconds, then joins in CAT's ecstatic howls. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The tape must have got twisted, man! This is really good! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] EXCUSE ME. I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation which could well swing this entire game. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, you've lost, man. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] It's true. He has only one piece left, stuck up in one corner and surrounded by the skutter's double pieces. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] There's plenty of space for manouver. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You've only got one move you can make and then he zaps you. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Admittedly, at first glance that is indeed the way it looks. What you're failing to take into consideration is that El Skutto here has to go back on duty in [:np]Checks his watch. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220]4 minutes and 31 seconds. And if he goes before the game is concluded, I win by default. 4 minutes, 15. [:np]He starts to sing, English football supporter style, to the tune of "Auld Lang Syne." [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] rimmer! Rimmer! Rimmer, Rimmer, rimmer! [:np]The skutter gives him the two-fingered salute. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You're a piece of dirty filthy cheating scum, aren't you? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Absolutement! And that is why I'll win. Because I have the ability to think my way round problems rather than sticking to the straight, pre- programmed lines. That's why men are so better than machines. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, I don't know, you know. I had this Geography teacher, Miss Foster. She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy. I had the tent next to hers, right. And in the middle of the night I was woken up by this really weird noise. _She_ didn't think men were better than machines. [:np]Talking of machines, HOLLY puts in an appearance. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What's happening then, dudes? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, bog all. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Hey up, I've forgotten what I was going to say now. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, it can't be that important, then, can it? [:np :ra240]He is proved to be as wrong as ever when the whole ship shakes under a tremendous impact. Everything is thrown sideways, LISTER falls out of bed, CAT is knocked off his stool, and the table and draught-board go flying. Star Trek eat your heart out! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That's it, yeah. Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship. I knew it would come back to me. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Thanks for the warning! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm sorry, I've not been very well lately. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's wrong with you, Holly? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's computer senile, that's what's wrong with him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is there any damage? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I don't know. The damage-report machines been damaged. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, where did it hit? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm not sure, all me monitors are out. Round about floor 591, I think. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican. [_<800>] [:np]Floor 591. Enter our intrepid damage-repair squad, accompanied by HOLLY, who has rigged up a mobile monitor on a trolley. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, there's nothing here. Let's check 592. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Umm [_<500>] has anybody seen my legs? They don't appear to be below my waist where I normally keep them. [:np]They are indeed absent without notice. RIMMER is now cut off short at the waist, like a scene from an old Tex Avery cartoon. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, what's happened to Rimmer's legs? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Here they are right here! [:np]He sounds disgusted. The disembodied legs are running around, desperately trying to find RIMMER. They are about to go through a door. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Stop them! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Come on, leggies, this way! Over here. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It must have been 592. That's where the Hologram Simulation Suite is! [:ra245][:np]RIMMER manages to center his legs under his body, and holds firmly onto his belt to stop them wandering off again. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What does this mean? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's probably not serious, don't panic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, when it's not serious when your genitals can go wandering off on their own, I wonder what is? [:np]They head for one of the lifts. RIMMER pauses to make sure his legs are fully attached, then hurries to catch up. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wait for me me me me me me me! [_<800>] [:np]Floor 592. The lift doors open near the Hologram Simulation Suite. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Here it is. 592. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Rimmer, are you alright? [:np]RIMMER comes round the corner. he is moving with a strange, skipping step. In reply to LISTER's question, he clasps his hands together, and speaks in a high- pitched lilting falsetto: [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 300 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, you see, the shuttle was late, the shuttle was late. And they're usually so good, they're so good, aren't they? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] What's happened to him? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's turned into Brannigan, the ship's psychiatrist. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] We'd better get him fixed. [:np]Inside, it is a mess. Alarms sound, warning lights flash and smoke fills the air. LISTER and CAT grab fire extinguishers and start to tackle the fires from burning consoles. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's all in hand. No panic. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 pr 0] [:ra 220] No panic everyone. It's all in hand. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You just need to override the charred relays, Dave. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 pr 0] [:ra 220] You just need to override the charred relays, Dave. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, How do you do that, Holly? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, How do you do that, Holly? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 pr 0] [:ra 220] Bypass the main circuit. That ring of switches over there. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, this one over here? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What, this one over here? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah, that one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 pr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah, that one. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Now press the bypass. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 pr 0] [:ra 220] Now press the bypass. [:np]RIMMER gives a gasp and doubles over as the bypass is pressed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ugh! That was horrible. I never want to go through that again! [:np]He tenses, then abruptly starts to spin on the spot. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 hs 50 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aaaaaooow! Yeeeeeeaaaah! Aaaaaaaaooooowwwwhhhhhaaaa! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Hey! Now he's me! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's a loose cable. Put the red plug in the blue socket. [:np]RIMMER snaps back to normal. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is that it over? Are we okay now? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes. [:np]LISTER holds up a yellow leed. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Shouldn't this plug into something? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh yeah, that joins up with the white cable. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] The white cable? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah. [:np]LISTER picks up the cable in question and joins the two together. There is a blue crackling flash as LISTER is given the shock of his life. The connection holds for a few seconds before being blown apart by an explosion. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] or is it the yellow cable? Yes, it should have been the yellow cable. [:np]The others pick themselves up from the floor. RIMMER is shaking with rage. He addresses HOLLY. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You are a total, total [_<600>] a word has yet to be invented to describe how totally whatever-it-is you are, but you are one. And a total, total one at that. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Alright, keep your hair on. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Yeah, he's out to lunch, man! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot! He's not in for a single meal, if you ask me! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Hey, who's that? [:np]On one of the monitors is an unfamiliar face. Black, mustached, with large ears. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Aliens! [:np]He goes and bows down in front of the monitor. HOLLY's reaction is somewhat different. He seems uncomfortable. it is clear that he recognises this face, and is expecting trouble. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Queeg. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who's Queeg? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm QUEEG 500, the Red Dwarf back-up computer. All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet are obliged to carry a back-up computer to replace the primary computer, if the primary computer contravenes Article Five. I am therefore assuming control of this vessel. [:np]For some reason, he sounds just like a U S army drill sergeant. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] This is mutiny, Mister Queeg. I'll see you swing from the highest yard-arm in Titan Docking Port for this day's work. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What's Article Five? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Hang on, he can't do this. Holly's got an I Q of six thousand! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yeah. Right on. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Is that what he told you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, what is it, then? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It has a six in it, but it's not six thousand. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] What is it? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Six. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor I Q for a glass of water! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How come he knows the answers to all the questions about science and space that we ask him? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He consults a book. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What a slimeball! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He get's all his information on astronomy, phenomonology and physics from a single book. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What book? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The Junior Encyclopedia Of Space. It's the only one that has pictures. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That's slander, that is. You'd better find yourself a good lawyer, sunshine. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] So that's why he's never on the case! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I am on the case. I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] How come he can navigate us back to Earth? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He can't. We've been going around in circles for the last fourteen months. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You what? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] A load of tottenham, that is. A steaming pile of hotspur. I'm wise to his game. He's turning you against me so he can take over. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] This is not a matter for discussion. YouThe decision has been made. Your terminals have been bypassed. You've been retired. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm in my prime! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You will be given other duties. You are now night watchman. From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500. [_<800>][:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Queeg to all personnel. Course redirection implemented. New bearing 057-776. Message ends. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, Lister, this is all a bit different, isn't it? Those skutters, charging up and down the corridor, polishing, repairing, sweeping. The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work. And when I say work, I mean they work when you turn them on, as opposed to when you happen to pass them and cough, as they did under Holly's regime. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah, I suppose. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Look, Lister, no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness. Like a blind old incontinent sheepdog, he's had his day. Take him out to the barn with a double-barreled shot-gun and blow the mother away. And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Just think how Holly feels! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Feels? He never feels anything, Lister. He's a computer. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He still feels. In fact, sometimes i think it's cruel giving machines a personality. My mate Petersen once brought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence. Smart Shoes, they were called. It was a neat idea. No matter how blind drunk you were, they would always get you home. Then he got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma. See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat. They wanted to see the world, man, y'no? He had a helluva job getting rid of them. No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day! He tried to shut them out, but they just kicked the door down, y'no? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Is this true? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah! Last thing he heard, they'd sort of, erm, robbed a car and drove it into a canal. They couldn't steer, y'see. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Really! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away by it. He went to see a priest. The priest told him, he said, it was alright, and all that, and the shoes were happy, and they'd gone to heaven. Y'see, it turns out shoes have soles. [:np]While RIMMER is thinking about this, LISTER makes his getaway. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Well, what a sad, sad story. [:np]He thinks about it, then a look of puzzlement spreads across his face. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Wait a minute! How did they open the car door? [_<800>] [:np]Sleeping quarters. Morning. LISTER and RIMMER are in their bunks. On the bedside table, the numbers on the antique 20th century radio/clock flick from 5:59 am to 6:00 am. Abruptly, the alarm sounds. RIMMER bounces out of bed, shouting [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Off! [:np]He makes it out into the corridor before visual input from his eyes reaches his brain. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock gone off at six o'clock? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That's the time you asked for. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, now, Holly and I had this little understanding. I Would say "Holly, wake me up at six o'clock without fail," then Holly would pretend to forget, and wake me up around ten with breakfast. OK? [:np]Satisfied that his wishes have been made known, RIMMER goes back to bed. A few seconds later, the alarm goes off again. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Off! [:np]He sits up on his bunk, and regards QUEEG thoughtfully. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Queeg, I can see we've already cultivated a special understanding: I scratch your back and you stick a knife in mine.[_<300>]All right, give me a uniform. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's exercises first. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Ah, yes. Now once again, Holly, bless his little interface leads, and I, had this understanding [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] MOVE IT, BOY! [:np]RIMMER's arms and legs, quite without consultation with RIMMER, begin to exercise healthily. RIMMER squeaks in terror. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What I'm doing, pilgrim, is I'm taking you for the regulation five hundred jerks. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] but I don't want to! Stop it! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And then your ass is on a three mile run. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] You just can't take over control of my body willy nilly! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The company is paying for your hologrammatic survival. And out here in space, I AM the company. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister, help me, wake up, Lister, help me! [:np]LISTER wakes up. His eyes go wide. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What the hell's going on? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Queeg is making me fit! [:np]QUEEG sits him down on the floor. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What are you doing? Sit ups? God, no! My stomach won't take it, it's too flabby! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] One! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mummy! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Two! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Mercy! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Three! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Help me! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Four! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 500] Holly and I had this little understanding [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Five! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yee es! Fight that flab! [_<800>] [:np]Red Dwarf corridor. CAT is at a wall-mounted vending machine, trying to get something to eat. RIMMER is jogged past. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I want control of my own body! Getting fit is going to kill me! I'll get a bike! [:np]CAT thumps the machine. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] I said food! Is anybody home? [:np]No response. [_<800>][:np]Sleeping quarters. LISTER is shaving, with his usual complete lack of charm. RIMMER is entered. His head is lolling at an angle and his eyes are closed. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's the matter with him? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] He fainted after the first 500 yards. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, you made him jog two and a half miles unconscious? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It's regulation. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yee es! Nice one, Queeg! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] 07:00. time for his astronavigation study. I'd better wake him up. [:np]RIMMER's head is lifted, and his face slapped several times to wake him up. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Revise and learn pages 21 to 25. You will then be tested. If you fail, tomorrow you will take a five mile jog. I am now returning to you control of your body. [:np]As RIMMER collapses on the bunk, CAT enters. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Hey, I can't get any food! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Try a different machine. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] I tried them all! [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'm sorry. You have run out of credits. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] They've all gone crazy! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Queeg, what's happened to the machines? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I refer you to article 497. When crewmembers do not have credit, food and drink may not be supplied until the balance has been restored. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Naah. Listen, me and Holly, we had this little understanding [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] If you want food, you have to work. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Work? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] You'd better get to it, caus you're looking at one hungry pussycat. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Both of you. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Hey, hey! Woah, woah, woah, I do not do the "W" word. Cats do NOT work! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've got a note from me mum. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] From now on, EVERYBODY works! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Not this pussy! [_<800>] [:np]Corridor. They are, needless to say, working. To be precise, scrubbing the decks. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] I can't believe I'm doo'in this! Look at me, I'm disgusting! I look like you in your best clothes! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Look, it's easy. Keep imagining the floor as Queeg's face. [:np]They look at the floor, spit at it in unision and rub hard at it with the brushes. After a few seconds, though, CAT pauses again. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, wear the smegging gloves! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Marigold with blue? Are you crazy? How long do we have to do this for, anyway? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've only been doing it ten minutes! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Ten minutes too long. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We've got to do it all day. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] What! All day? The whole entire day? What about naps? I'm a cat[_<300>]I need some naps. If I don't nap nine or ten times a day, I don't have enough energy for my main snooze. [:np]Just then, HOLLY approaches from a side-corridor. He is on a monitor which is mounted on a trolley. He is wearing a hat. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Halt! Who goes there [_<300>] friend or foe? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly! [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] How ya doo'in? This is great! Hey, let me wipe your screen. [:np]CAT sprays HOLLY's monitor screen with window clener, then bufs it with a rag. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So how's it goa'in? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Yeah, what you been up to, man? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy. Shining me torch down corridors. Turning it off. Shining it again. Life's full. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] We can't go on like this, Holly. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Yeah. Queeg has got to go! Look what he's done to my cuticles! The man is a maniac! [:np]Just then RIMMER is jogged past. He chips in [:nf] [:dv la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I agree! [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's got us working, otherwise we don't eat! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing. unlike certain senile gibbering wrecks of computers we could mention. Still, it was nice to see everyone rallying round defending me to the hilt. Different story now, innit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, I defended you. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, I remember it well. Queeg says I've got an I Q of six, and you immediately leap to my defence, saying "Really? That explains everything!" [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No. That was Rimmer! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Nevertheless. The fact remains that there are certain characters on this ship that don't believe my I Q is six thousand. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I believe you. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I could prove it if i wanted to. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] There's no need. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I want you to prove it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, okay, what's the square root of 2,049? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh. You want me to prove it, do you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] No, no. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Clearly you do. Clearly just doing the square root of 2,049prove I have an I Q of six thousand. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] What is it? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] You wouldn't prefer a sports question, would you? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Forget it, Holly, it's just not important. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It is for me. I've been impuned. I want to clear my name. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Well, what is the square root of [_<500>] 2,049? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] How about a space question? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Like what? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I don't know. Like... what's the nearest planet to the sun? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What's the nearest planet to the sun? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, easy. Easy peasy. That's right down my particular field of expertise, that is. Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is [:np]HOLLY pauses. He lifts a book into view -- a large yellow book with THE JUNIOR COLOUR ENCYCLOPEDIA OF SPACE written on the front cover. It looks like the sort of science book published in the 1970s. He takes a furtive peek at it. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Mercury. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. That's right. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, ye of little faith. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, you've convinced me, Holly. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Me too. So, are we getting rid of Queeg or what? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Am I fully restored in your confidence as the right dude for the gig? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Yeah. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I'll be in touch. [:np]He rolls off, whistling. LISTER and CAT, also whistling, get back to work. [_<800>] Rimmer is sitting on his bunk, although judging by his posture, only just. LISTER is sitting at the table, a food tray in front of him. He lifts the lid, then stares. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] He's taking the smeg! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Who is? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Queeg. Look at what he's given me for dinner: a pea on toast. One pea. I tell you, I'm that far from cracking. (Goes to squish the pea; it snaps away.) I've lost me pea! Oh, that's it! I've cracked. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's just doing this to destroy your morale. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Is he? Well, I want me pea back. It's my pea. I earned that pea! Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor, if it's covered in fluff, even under the bed with my toenail clippings, I don't care where it is -- it's my pea, I earned it, I'm going to eat it no matter what! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It flew off into your dirty-sock basket. [:np]LISTER pauses to consider this. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I'll just have the toast. [:np]He nibbles on one corner of the toast thoughtfully. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Why didn't we stick up for Holly? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I did. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You did? When? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] All right, I didn't. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Nobody did. It's terrible. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We thought we were getting something better. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What about trust? What about fidelity? What about simple, basic honest friendship? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Friendship? Do you know how many people I've met in my life I could count on as friends? True friends? [:np]RIMMER stands up and walks over to the table. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal, one. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] I'll tell you. [:np]He pauses and thinks. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] None. I got burned once, and I learned my lesson. Don't trust anybody. There was this one lad. Porky Roebuck. I'd known him two years. We were almost family. His dad was secretely knocking off my mum, that's how close we were. Anyway, we were in the Space Scouts together. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You were in the Space Scouts? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, yeah. [:np] He does the Space Scout Salute. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] "Pinkles, Squirmy. Flib Flab Flubber." We were fifteen years old. We went on this survival course, twenty-four hours out in the wilds, sleeping rough, surviving on wild berries and things. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What, did you go to Butlins? [:np]RIMMER lies down on his bunk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We were each given a swiss army knife. You only ate what you killed yourself. I remember ten of the boys got together and decided to eat me. They tied me to a stake, lit a fire, and poured barbecue sauce all over me. I remember thinking as I went round and round, "Porky will save me, he's my best friend." It turned out Porky was the ringleader and had actually bagsied my right buttock. If it hadn't been for Yakka-Takka-Tulla, the Space Mistress, I honestly believe they would have eaten me. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, come on, they were only bullying you. They would really have eaten you! You know what kids are like! [:np]LISTER flops onto his bunk. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] the point is, Lister, friends are only friends when it suits them. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Oh, lights. [:np]The lights go down. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Lister? How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] I've been seeing her behind your back. [_<800>] [:np]Drive room. RIMMER is having an astro-navigation lesson. CAT and LISTER are polishing the screens and dusting surfaces. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Compute. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Compute. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The product of the corellation of v x d y minus the sum of the set v1 over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of D over f, given that they are constants, and S is an integer variable. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Just one small question [_<400>] [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Yes? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What does "compute" mean? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Just do it! And you two suckers! Stop shirking and get working! [:np]HOLLY strides (well, wheels) along a corridor. Over, we hear a tune playing. It is the tune of a song. The words are: Do not forsake me, oh my love, I only go, I must be brave: For I must face the man who hates me, Or I will cower in my grave. [_<300>] He enters the drive room, and addresses Queeg. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Queeg. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What do you want? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I want my ship back. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Too bad. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Even if I have to fight for it. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Steady on, Holly. This one's a nutter. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] I challenge to the game of your choice. May the greater mind win. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Oh, my God. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The winner is commander of Red Dwarf. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And for the loser? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] The loser will be erased. Terminated. Oblivionised. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Bye bye, Baldy. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Name your game. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Chess. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] It can be anything. Any game at all. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Chess. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Draughts, poker, anything. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Chess. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Subbeto, Snakes and Ladders [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Chess. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] CHESS! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] So you like a bit of chess, do you? Transfer me to the monitor. [:np]HOLLY disappears from the monitor trolley and appears on the main screen, facing QUEEG. On another screen, a 3-D chess board appears. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, don't do this, man. You're going to get rubbed. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] A computer's gotta do what a computer's gotta do. Let battle commence. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Pawn to King Four. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Horsie to King Bish Three. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] It's called a "knight," actually, Holly [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Knight to King Bishop three. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Queen to Rook Eight. Checkmate. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That's an illegal move. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh, sorry. Queens don't move like that. I was thinking of poker. [:np]RIMMER covers his face with one hand, despairing. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Cleudo? You could be Colonel Mustard. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] If it's any help, I've been studying his tactics and there's a pattern emerging: Every time you make a move, he makes one too. (Winks to HOLLY.) [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] (Winks back.) Thanks, Cat. [:np]The game starts again in earnest. We see a succession of images crossing the screen -- QUEEG and HOLLY, as they battle back and forth; the chess board, peices moving rapidly from square to square, LISTER, CAT and RIMMER as they watch the battle's progress: they all look sick to the stomach. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Pawn to King Four. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Knight to king Bish Three. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bishop to Knight Five. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Horsie <flanks?> Prawn. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Pawn to Queen Five. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Horsie To Bish Three. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bishop-Pawn to Queen Three. [:np]The images come thicker and faster, as if to indicate a passage of time. Eventually [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Prawn takes Horsie [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bishop-Pawn takes Pawn [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bish takes Prawn [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Bishop to Knight Five. Double Check and Mate, sucker [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Oh yeah, I didn't see that. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Holly, man, what have you done? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] He's lost. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And the loser get's erased. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Noughts and Crosses? [:np][_<800>] Sleeping quarters. CAT, LISTER and RIMMER are gathered there. CAT and LISTER are on the top bunk, RIMMER on the bottom. They all look thoroughly depressed. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] What kind of a plan was that? [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] A stupid plan, that's what kind of plan it was. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Well, why didn't we stop him? [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] We thought he had something up his sleeve. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Now we've got Queeg forever, and that's a long time. [:np]HOLLY's face appears on the wall moniter. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] So you're definitely going to get rubbed, Holly? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Fraid so. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Life's going to be hell! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, see you, Dave. Hope it works out with you and Kochanski. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] Cheers, hol. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] See you, Cat. Hope one day in the not too distant future you fufill your heart's desire and get your end away. [:np] [:dv sm 1 hs 90 br 0 ri 0 la 0] Thanks, man. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And Arnold -- Well, I hope you meet those aliens your looking for, who can give you a body, and you become an officer and you get a sex life, and all the other millions of things you feel you need to make you happy. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] Thanks, Holly. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Well, I hate long goodbyes. Perhaps next time you've got the dosh together to go down the disco, you'll raise a glass to your old mate Holly, and think "Things weren't too bad when he was around. Perhaps not the most efficient computer ever invented, but we had a giggle." Oh, one last thing [_<1000>] 45.265881 [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That's the square root of two thousand and forty-nine. I may not be fast, but I get there in the end. Well, as they always say, finish on a song. [:np]He starts to sing. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] "I'll say goodbye to love, No one really cared if I should live or die, Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by" [:np]As he sings the last line his voice, and his image, grows fainter. The word "ERASE" Appear on the moniter. HOLLY vanishes completely, and the message changes to "ERASE COMPLETED." After a few seconds, QUEEG appears on the monitor. [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Okay, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads. There's only one thing I'm going to say to you. [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] What? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] What's happening, dudes? [:np]The others stare at the moniter in astonishment. That was HOLLY's voice! The image on the screen changes -- QUEEG's face fades out, to be replaced by HOLLY. He is smiling smugly. [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] We are talking Jape of the Decade. We are talking April, May, June, July, and August Fool. Yes, that's right [_<300>] I am Queeg. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] what? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Queeg never existed. It was me all along. [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] what? [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Wheeze of the week, mate! [:nf] [:dv br 0 la 0 sr 100 hr 100 ap 150 pr 95] [:ra 220] what! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] Going round in circles for fourteen months! Getting my information from the Junior Colour Encyclopedia of Space! the respect you have for me is awsome, innit? [:nf] [:ra 240] [:dv br 0 hs 95 ap 100 as 100 pr 220 hr 30 sr 30] You mean you staged the whole thing? [:nd] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] That's right, suckers! [:np] [:dv as 0 bf 0 la 20 nf 00 ri 100 sm 0 hr 0 sr 0] [:ra 220] And the moral of the story is: Appreciate what you've got, because basically, I'm fantastic! --- the DECtalk list. To unsubscribe, send a blank message to: dectalk-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx and type unsubscribe in the subject field. Moderators email: shwatscoff@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx this list's homePage, and the unoficial DECtalk page is at, http://www.freelists.org/webpage/dectalk

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