[cinci_dads] Hamsters

  • From: "Tim Nabors" <timnabors@xxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • To: "Louie Zapanta" <denzapantas@xxxxxxx>,"Carolyn Willis" <WILLISC@xxxxxxxxxxxx>,"lil Greggie Wargo" <GreggW2751@xxxxxxx>,"Patsy Stewart" <pvandriver@xxxxxxxxxxx>,"Karen Stanley" <kstanley53@xxxxxxx>,"Kevin & Carol Spatz" <Kevcarphil@xxxxxxx>,"Diane Robinson" <lmdb_kr3@xxxxxxxxxxx>,"Eileen Rega" <mocha121@xxxxxxx>, "Dad Nabors" <DNABORS635@xxxxxxx>,"Mom & Ken Moyer" <kenraym@xxxxxxxxx>,"Doug Kurkel" <DKURKUL@xxxxxxx>,"GUGGENBERGER,CHRISTINA (HP-USA,ex1)" <christina_guggenberger@xxxxxx>,"Carl Dahl" <CarlD@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>, <cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>,"Karen Burchinal" <KNaborsBurch@xxxxxxx>,"BOOGER" <sgbehrens@xxxxxxxxx>,"'SLOWRIDE' Bierman" <randall.bierman@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
  • Date: Fri, 2 May 2003 15:27:28 -0400

A little long, but funny!  I can picture this happening in my house - esp. the 
comments the wife makes!  Hope you enjoy!  Tim



>
>If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
>including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will
have
>you laughing out LOUD!
>
>Overview: I had to take my son's hamster to the vet.
>
>Here's what happened:
>
>Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something
>wrong" with one of the two hamsters he holds prisoner in his room. "He's
>just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can you
>Help?"
>
>I put my best hamster-healer statement on my face and followed him into
his
>bedroom. One of the little rodents was indeed lying on his back, looking
>stressed. I immediately knew what to do. "Honey," I called, "come look at
>the hamster!"
>
>"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."
>
>"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"
>
>I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't

>want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.
>
>"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired.
>(I actually think she said this sarcastically!)
>
>"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
>loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).
>
>"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
>
>"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
>informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)
>
>By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
>shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.
>
>"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're
about
>to witness the miracle of birth."
>
>"OH, Gross!", they shrieked. "Well, isn't THAT just Great!; what are we
>going to do with a litter of tiny little hamster babies?" my wife wanted
to
>know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)
>
>We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
>foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
>
>"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.
>
>"Its breech," my wife whispered, horrified.
>
>"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.
>
>"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
>appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more
>times with the same results.
>
>"Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could
>talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in
my
>house?)
>
>"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my
>son holding the cage in his lap.
>
>Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.
>
>"I don't think hamsters do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be

>so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
>this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)
>
>The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
>animal through a magnifying glass.
>
>  "What do you think, Doc, a c-section?" I suggested scientifically.
>
>  "Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak
>to you privately for a moment?"
>
>  I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside. "Is Ernie going to be
>okay?" my wife asked. "Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This hamster
is
>not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy."
>
>"What?"
>
>"You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into
>maturity, like most male species, they um....um....masturbate. Just the
way
>he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you
>know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."
>
>We were silent, absorbing this. "So, Ernie's just...just...excited," my
>wife offered.
>
>"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.
Then
>my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh
>loudly.
>
>"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I

>married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
>
>Tears were now running down her face. "It's just...that...I'm picturing
you
>pulling on its...its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow
>in laughter once more.
>
>"That's enough," I warned.
>
>We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the hamsters and our son

>back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
>
>"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.
>
>"Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
>
>2 - Hamsters - 10 bucks...
>1 - Cage - 20 bucks.
>Trip to the Vet ..30 bucks...
>Pictures of your hubby pulling on the hamster's winkey........Priceless!


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