[cinci_dads] Fw: Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
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- Date: Sun, 7 Jul 2002 00:43:01 -0400
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From: Blake D. Baird
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; Don Boyd ; Bob Botsis
Sent: Saturday, June 29, 2002 8:53 PM
Subject: Fw: Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
Subject: Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
Politically Correct Little Red Riding Hood
There once was a young person named Little Red Riding Hood who lived on the
edge of a large forest full of endangered owls and
rare plants that would probably provide a cure for cancer if only someone
took the time to study them.
Red Riding Hood lived with a nurture giver whom she sometimes referred to as
"mother", although she didn't mean to imply by
this term that she would have thought less of the person if a close
biological link did not in fact exist.
Nor did she intend to denigrate the equal value of nontraditional
households, although she was sorry if this was the impression
conveyed.
One day her mother asked her to take a basket of organically grown fruit and
mineral water to her grandmother's house.
"But mother, won't this be stealing work from the unionized people who have
struggled for years to earn the right to carry all
packages between various people in the woods?"
Red Riding Hood's mother assured her that she had called the union boss and
gotten a special compassionate mission
exemption form.
"But mother, aren't you oppressing me by ordering me to do this?"
Red Riding Hood's mother pointed out that it was impossible for womyn to
oppress each other, since all womyn were equally
oppressed until all womyn were free.
"But mother, then shouldn't you have my brother carry the basket, since he's
an oppressor, and should learn what it's like to be
oppressed?"
And Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her brother was attending a
special rally for animal rights, and besides, this wasn't
stereotypical womyn's work, but an empowering deed that would help engender
a feeling of community.
"But won't I be oppressing Grandma, by implying that she's sick and hence
unable to independently further her own selfhood?"
But Red Riding Hood's mother explained that her grandmother wasn't actually
sick or incapacitated or mentally handicapped in
any way, although that was not to imply that any of these conditions were
inferior to what some people called "health".
Thus Red Riding Hood felt that she could get behind the idea of delivering
the basket to her grandmother, and so she set off.
Many people believed that the forest was a foreboding and dangerous place,
but Red Riding Hood knew that this was an irrational
fear based on cultural paradigms instilled by a patriarchal society that
regarded the natural world as an exploitable resource, and
hence believed that natural predators were in fact intolerable competitors.
Other people avoided the woods for fear of thieves and deviants, but Red
Riding Hood felt that in a truly classless society all
marginalized peoples would be able to "come out" of the woods and be
accepted as valid lifestyle role models.
On her way to Grandma's house, Red Riding Hood passed a woodchopper, and
wandered off the path, in order to examine some
flowers.
She was startled to find herself standing before a Wolf, who asked her what
was in her basket.
Red Riding Hood's teacher had warned her never to talk to strangers, but she
was confident in taking control of her own budding
sexuality, and chose to dialogue with the Wolf.
She replied, "I am taking my Grandmother some healthful snacks in a gesture
of solidarity."
The Wolf said, "You know, my dear, it isn't safe for a little girl to walk
through these woods alone."
Red Riding Hood said, "I find your sexist remark offensive in the extreme,
but I will ignore it because of your traditional status as
an outcast from society, the stress of which has caused you to develop an
alternative and yet entirely valid worldview. Now, if
you'll excuse me, I would prefer to be on my way."
Red Riding Hood returned to the main path, and proceeded towards her
Grandmother's house.
But because his status outside of society had freed him from slavish
adherence to linear, Western-style thought, the Wolf knew
of a quicker route to Grandma's house.
He burst into the house and ate Grandma, a course of action affirmative of
his nature as predator.
Then, unhampered by rigid, traditionalist gender role notions, he put on
Grandma's nightclothes, crawled under the bedclothes,
and awaited developments.
Red Riding Hood entered the cottage and said, "Grandma, I have brought you
some cruelty free snacks to salute you in your role
as wise and nurturing matriarch."
The Wolf said softly "Come closer, child, so that I might see you."
Red Riding Hood said, "Goodness! Grandma, what big eyes you have!"
"You forget that I am optically challenged."
"And Grandma, what an enormous and fine nose you have."
"Naturally, I could have had it fixed to help my acting career, but I didn't
give in to such societal pressures, my child."
"And Grandma, what very big, sharp teeth you have!"
The Wolf could not take any more of these specist slurs, and, in a reaction
appropriate for his accustomed milieu, he leaped out
of bed, grabbed Little Red Riding Hood, and opened his jaws so wide that she
could see her poor Grandmother cowering in his
belly.
"Aren't you forgetting something?" Red Riding Hood bravely shouted. "You
must request my permission before proceeding in a
new level of intimacy!"
The Wolf was so startled by this statement that he loosened his grasp on
her. At the same time, the woodchopper burst into the
cottage, brandishing an ax.
"Hands off!" cried the woodchopper.
"And what do you think you're doing?" cried Little Red Riding Hood. "If I
let you help me now, I would be expressing a lack of
confidence in my own abilities, which would lead to poor self esteem and
lower achievement scores on college entrance exams."
"Last chance, sister! Get your hands off that endangered species! This is an
FBI sting!" screamed the woodchopper, and when
Little Red Riding Hood nonetheless made a sudden motion, he sliced off her
head.
"Thank goodness you got here in time," said the Wolf. "The brat and her
grandmother lured me in here. I though I was a goner."
"No, I think I'm the real victim, here," said the woodchopper. "I've been
dealing with my anger ever since I saw her picking those
protected flowers earlier. And now I'm going to have such a trauma. Do you
have any aspirin?"
"Sure" said the Wolf.
"Thanks."
"I feel your pain," said the Wolf, giving a little belch, and said "Do you
have any Maalox?"
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