[cinci_dads] Re: Dad and Mom Parenting Styles—and the Kids Who Benefit From Both
- From: Kate Powers <kpowers@xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- To: "'cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxx'" <cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxx>
- Date: Wed, 16 Jan 2002 11:27:21 -0500
Thanks so much - this is very helpful. I'll share it with people here. My
observations confirm most of what she says. You guys also might be
interested in some material on personality type and parenting. I've been
trained to administer the Myers Briggs Type Indicator and have taught a
class called Personality and Parenting, which I may do again this summer. I
have some resources here and would be glad to talk with you about this topic
sometime. Let me know if anybody is interested! Kate
-----Original Message-----
From: AHummeldor@xxxxxxx [mailto:AHummeldor@xxxxxxx]
Sent: Tuesday, January 15, 2002 2:56 PM
To: cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxx
Subject: [cinci_dads] Dad and Mom Parenting Styles-and the Kids Who Benefit
From Both
Here's something from Dr. Laura's website that you may find interesting:
Subject:Dad and Mom Parenting Styles-and the Kids Who Benefit From Both
Date:2001-10-29
Dad and Mom Parenting Styles-and the Kids Who Benefit From Both
"'Dad generally changes a diaper 30 to 40 percent faster than Mom. He does
this with brute strength, grabbing both ankles in one hand, partially
inverting the toddler and keeping him in the ideal position for a one-handed
fast wipe and a new diaper. If moms try this, it's just plain scary. The kid
ends up twisting around in the poopy diaper, never properly clearing the
tooshie area, and it's a mess. This is a daddy technique that moms should
never attempt unsupervised.'
Strong words of advice from Mitch, a stay-at-home dad full of tips from the
trenches. Besides being a great diapering tip, Mitch's unique inversion
technique is a perfect example of how moms and dads parent differently. No
statistic-citing expert could possibly have painted a more vivid picture.
We've already looked at male/female stereotypes and seen how men and women
are treated differently by others. In this chapter, we'll take a closer look
at some actual, rather than perceived, differences. We'll find out how moms
and dads utilize distinct parenting styles, and most important, how the kids
can benefit from both. We'll also hear directly from the children in SAHD/WM
families to find out how they feel about being parented by both Mom and
Dad-and about having Dad as the at-home parent.
Different But Equal
Jenny is the twelve-year-old daughter of an at-home dad Blake and working
mom
Alison. Although jenny loves having Dad take care of her, when it comes to
homework, jenny says lately she'd rather have Mom in charge. 'Sometimes Dad
just refuses to help me. Figure it out, he usually tells me when I can't do
something. He won't even let me complain if I get frustrated. But Mom is
much
more patient. She'll sit down with me and listen to why I'm having so much
trouble.'
These approaches-Mom's comforting style and Dad's do-it-yourself
technique-are fairly typical of the way men and women parent. Obviously,
we'll be talking about generalizations, and we all know parents who buck
trends (especially role breakers like SAHD/WMs), but there are some broad
patterns that men and women fall into, as both common sense and the
childcare
experts tell us. The significant thing here is that, if you combine the two
approaches, the child gets the benefit of learning to cope with
frustration-a
must for the future risk takers of the world-but also a sense of operating
from a secure, loving base.
But before we go any deeper into specific gender-related parenting styles,
it's important to note that most experts agree that there is no
predisposition for either gender to be a better parent. As the child
development authority Michael Lamb states, 'With the exception of lactation,
there is no evidence that women are biologically pre-disposed to be a better
parent than men. Social convention, not biological imperatives, underlie the
traditional division of parental responsibilities' In other words, neither
Mom nor Dad has a corner on the childcare business. Both can be equally
effective except for breast-feeding, which Mom pretty much owns. But equal
does not mean the same. Society, individual parental personalities, even the
personality of the child, all influence the way men and women parent.
Parenting in Mommy Mode or Daddy Style
Like marriages and snowflakes, no two mom and dad parenting styles are
alike.
Stereotypes-as well as some research-suggest women are more compassionate
and affectionate, while men are more action-and task-oriented. Regardless of
science or stereotypes, however, trend-setting stay-at-home dads and working
moms seem to find their own balance. They do it their way. The motto we've
heard from the most successful couples is 'Whatever works, keep on doing
it!' It's important to recognize your own style and that of your mate, so
you can more effectively raise happy, caring, self-reliant kids. Let's take
a
look at some of these mom and dad parenting styles, and how they play out in
the context of specific parenting issues.
Play, Nurturing and Physical Mishaps
Child-and-father play is a critical part of raising children, affirms
Rutgers
University scholar David Popenoe: 'the way fathers play affects everything
from the management of emotions to intelligence and academic achievement. It
is particularly important in promoting the essential virtue of
self-control.'
As he points out, 'at play and in other realms, fathers tend to stress
competition, challenge, initiative, risk taking and independence.' That's
certainly true in the case of the Knapp family's story.
Clayton has been a stay-at-home dad to his six year old son, Jimmy since the
boy's birth. Clayton's wife, Beth, is an office manager at a manufacturing
supply company. While Beth sees herself as a nurturer, she understands that
the responsibility for hugs and kisses often falls on Clayton's shoulders.
Occasionally to her dismay, but often to her amusement, Beth notes that
Clayton has adopted a nurturing style very different from her own. She
recalls a sledding incident from the previous winter when jimmy took a bad
tumble off his toboggan that resulted in a black eye. Knowing that Beth
would
'have a cow' when they returned home, Clayton counseled Jimmy on what he
should say to his mom. As predicted Beth gasped when Jimmy entered the
house.
But when Jimmy said, with a schoolyard swagger, You oughta see the other
guy,' Beth couldn't help but laugh. She understood that Clayton fostered his
own special brand of humor to soften the cuts, scrapes, and bruises of
Jimmy's life. While it would never be Beth's style, she recognized that it
worked for Clayton-and, even more to the point, for Jimmy.
Unpredictability is also an often-predictable factor in fathering. According
to Dr. Kyle D. Puett's Fatherneed, infants between seven and thirteen months
respond even more favorably to being picked up by Dad than by Mom. Moms more
often pick up the baby for maintenance, while Dad picks up the infant
because
he senses that the child wants to play or, just as often, because Dad wants
to play with the baby. And how Mom and Dad each pick up the infant can be
just as different as why they pick him up. In most of the world, moms tend
to
carry their babies toward their own bodies, often so they are free to
breast-feed. Dads carry babies facing outward, with a view of the world, in
what is known in this country and others as the football hold, itself an
action description for an action-oriented parenting mode.
When eighteen-month-old Noah was an active toddler, his at home dad,
Michael,
and working mom, Laura, used to argue constantly about Michael's
laissez-faire approach to Noah's physical well being. As Laura described it,
'Michael and I used to do the battle over allowing Noah to navigate our
outside stairway by himself. Michael insisted that if Noah fell, it would be
good experience! 'He'll learn how to fall,' he'd argue.' But since Dad was
a full-time at-home dad, Michael's roughhouse style won out over Laura's
more conventional approach. Noah, now an adventurous teenager, takes spills
and tumbles-both physical and emotional -in stride.
Excerpt from STAY-AT-HOME-DADS: The Essential Guide to Creating the New
Family (Plume Books) by Libby Gill. Libby Gill is her family's primary
breadwinner and lives with her husband and children in California. Ms. Gill
currently serves on the Board of Directors of Slowlane.com, an online
resource guide for stay-at-home dads and parents. Visit Libby online at
www.LibbyGill.com. Permission granted for use on DrLaura.com.
_________________________________________________________________________
- To post on the mailing list, simply send email to
cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Users can unsubscribe from the list by sending email to
cinci_dads-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx with 'unsubscribe' in the Subject field.
- Our webpage: http://www.cincinnatidads.com/
- Online, searchable archives of the list are available at
//www.freelists.org/archives/cinci_dads
Should you have any questions about anything, please feel
free to email cincinnatidads@xxxxxxxxxxxx (Cinci Dads) or ctelling@xxxxxxx
(mailing list problems)
_________________________________________________________________________
- To post on the mailing list, simply send email to
cinci_dads@xxxxxxxxxxxxxx
- Users can unsubscribe from the list by sending email to
cinci_dads-request@xxxxxxxxxxxxx with 'unsubscribe' in the Subject field.
- Our webpage: http://www.cincinnatidads.com/
- Online, searchable archives of the list are available at
//www.freelists.org/archives/cinci_dads
Should you have any questions about anything, please feel
free to email cincinnatidads@xxxxxxxxxxxx (Cinci Dads) or ctelling@xxxxxxx
(mailing list problems)
Other related posts:
