U.S. Jews, you broke it, you bought it - Move to Israel!
BY SAM BAHOUR DECEMBER 31, 2020
NETANYAHU GREETS AMERICAN JEWISH SPY JONATHAN POLLARD WITH WORDS, "YOU'RE
HOME," AT TEL AVIV AIRPORT, DEC. 30, 2020. FROM THE PM'S TWITTER FEED.
If you are Jewish and living outside of Israel, what are you waiting for?
Israel awaits you. What's taking you so long? Uncle Bibi wants YOU!
As a Palestinian living in Palestine, I anxiously await your arrival. I have
spoken directly to thousands of you over decades about Israel and its
actions. Most recently, I had a conversation with over 100 of you on Zoom.
The conversation and audience questions were all too familiar, like the
hundreds of past encounters-cordial, frank, and informative to us both.
However, this last one ended on a note that stuck with me for days. The
interviewer, a well-established and respected Jewish thought leader in the
U.S., closed the session with a message of hope that Israeli scientists
would clone me. Although flattered, I got off the call and thought: Why
clone me? I'm just communicating what my community has been saying for
decades. There are already plenty of Palestinians saying the exact same
thing.
Upon reflection, I thought maybe I came across as too liberal, too Ohioan,
and too accommodating. That is, not as angry as I really am. Thus, I ask you
to indulge me in a rare rant. As Jewish friends, cousins even, I need you to
read this, from me directly. I will not be long and promise to come back to
my normal self before it ends. So, here we go.
START OF RANT
Your "light unto the nations" shpiel uprooted an entire indigenous people.
You then claimed Israel is reserved for Jews forever. However, your
subsequent actions contradict that. Every day that you delay your arrival
here, a benighted Palestinian refugee thinks he might return. You simply
cannot let that happen; God forbid. Israel did not win successive wars and
undertake major military onslaughts to remain at risk forever. No, you must
join in protecting the only (well, maybe second) place in the world that is
yours. Israel must hold back Palestinian refugees at all costs. So, make
sure your place in the sun is protected. You can only do that by filling the
Levant with fellow Jews. Yet you remain absent. Why? C'mon. Get with the
program. Israel needs you now more than ever!
Join fellow Jews in Israel. It's easy. After displacing two-thirds of the
original population, Israel passed the Law of Return. Its gist is simple:
Any Jew in the world.regardless of where born, what language spoken, what
citizenship currently held, or how religious.has a place here. ALL Jews have
a fast-track, and carte blanche right, to Israeli citizenship: no barriers
whatsoever. The Law applies to children and grandchildren, too. Plus
spouses. And the spouses of their children and grandchildren. Such a deal!
Every lawmaker and parliamentarian who seeks reelection knows there's no
place like Israel, a Jewish home for ever-homeless Jews.
Imagine the chutzpah, then, of Palestinian "terrorists"-who surely must have
left of their own "free will" in 1948 and 1967-claiming the same rights for
their children and grandchildren in 2020!
Monsters!
So, fellow Semites, what's stopping you from living here? You visit like
Israel is your home. You also support it like you own it. And, in fact, you
do. So why not reside here 24-7-365?
Now, some of you might say you can't afford a home here. Fear not. The
state, abetted by Uncle Sucker's endless automatic aid, has solved that
problem. When you arrive, you will be given the enticing option of living in
a gated hilltop community in Samaria. All costs of living are subsidized.
And the scenery: out of this world!
NB: Please don't visit websites before moving into your beautiful new home.
You might get shpilkes noticing odd movements here and there in the valley
below. Ignore them. They are the ungrateful owners of the land which you are
now redeeming-dreaded Palestinians. However, you'll get acclimated in no
time. Soon you will gaze out your massive picture windows and see nothing
but beautiful mountains and gorgeous blue skies.
Trust me on this.
So again: stop dawdling. Come quick. For starters, you could start a new
start-up in the "Start-up Nation!" Now's the time. Make your mark in
Israel's fastest-growing sector: the security and arms trade. There are
ever-more customers for the Jewish State's life-ending products all across
the Arab world. Customers are fabulously wealthy and drool just thinking
about holding Israel's death-harvesting produce in their gory hands.
And just think: all such toys of death and destruction are made by dark side
techies from what was formerly called The People of the Book.
Don't worry about the stigma of participating in the new Middle East arms
race. The prime minister, literally glued to his chair, provides cover. In
his pitch-perfect English, your new leader tells the world how much it owes
your tiny new home. Everything useful and modern.from cherry tomatoes to the
microchips in phones to the latest/most-lethal drones.
It's a truly beautiful fairy tale, one concocted to make you feel proud. It
ensconces you in a cocoon of ahistorical fables, replete with evil,
child-hating parents and good unicorn-riding Israel Defense Forces (IDF)
soldiers. The unbearable reality-which you will soon learn not to
see/hear/speak-will be consigned to your nightmares.
Again, come walk-the-walk per all the talk you were taught over the years.
Like Jews being threatened everywhere and all the time. And history
constantly failing you. And no other groups suffering as you have. Ever.
Israel is now the only safe haven for you. Don't allow anyone to tell you
otherwise.
Once in LOMAH (the Land of Milk and Honey), your children might initially
get distracted by Israel's hip nightclubs and start-up scenes. Not to worry.
New TV shows like "Valley of Tears" will remind them of the horrors of yore.
Such indoctrination will go bone-deep. Soon they will robotically recite all
that was overcome to create their new home. They will then never relax. Or
feel compassion. They will get that Tikkun Olam, "healing the world," is for
heels.
Sure, such HBO fear-mongering fare is aired to the world-at-large, but
watching it in Israel amongst brethren has far greater meaning. Nothing will
keep your children in line like seeing CGI versions of the Hebron massacre
of 1929 or colorful scenes of suicide bombings from a few decades ago.
Searing episodes of some form of "The Infernal Arab" will teach your
children to fear natives as the Other.
Once here, take the family to meet the compassionate new nominee to head Yad
Vashem (the World Holocaust Remembrance Center). Your children will go there
anyway on school trips. Yad Vashem will banish any lingering doubts you
might have about Israel's purported "liberal values." Holocaustomania
justifies each and every abuse of Palestinians, despite Nazis having
operated on a different continent entirely.
Come then: join fellow Jews in Israel! Convicted Jewish American spy
Jonathan Pollard just arrived with his wife after serving 30 years in
prison. He flew into Ben-Gurion International Airport in a private plane,
belonging to the owner of the Israeli daily Israel Hayom Sheldon Adelson,
from Newark International Airport in New Jersey and was greeted by Prime
Minister Netanyahu who handed him his Israeli ID card. The excitement is
unbearable.
You, your children, and grandchildren must no longer love Israel from afar.
Besides, the reborn Hebrew language awaits you. Forget the few words you
memorized or songs you sang. It's time to learn real Hebrew, a cocktail of
accents from Sephardi, Ashkenazi, Mizrahi, African, and even American Jews.
You'll fit right in, mistakes and all. After all, it's not the language that
unites Jews, it's the Promised Land. Don't fret about the clause "even to
the ends of the world," either. Zionism made sure to drop that, praise
Jesus, and Amen!
By the way, leave Evangelicals behind when you come. Sure, they want you to
be here, but for a different reason. They believe Jesus (unlike Palestinian
refugees) will return. And when He does, if you don't convert to
Christianity, Evangelicals believe they will become evangels rising in a
Rapture while you roast in endless nuclear hellfire meltdowns.
The time is now to uphold your responsibilities. If too old, make your kids
move post-high school. They can then don with pride the uniform of "the most
moral army in the world". Your kids can play "Pin the Responsibility on
Arabs." And snatch Palestinian children from beds in the middle of the
night. Or torture prisoners held without charge in Israeli prisons. Or
practice sharpshooting by blowing out the kneecaps of unarmed, peaceful
protesters.
Do you say you and your families would never do such things? Could never
even countenance said actions? Okay. Fine. Join Unit 8200, instead. It's the
Israeli Intelligence Corps of the IDF. It eavesdrops on ordinary
conversations of PWRTV (Palestinians who refuse to vanish). Heck, if your
kids learn some Arabic in high school, the army might teach them how to spy
on natives via laptops and cellphones, too.
Even if you don't learn Arabic, no problem. The Knesset proudly demoted its
standing as an official language. Still, you can pick up a few "colorful"
words from your gardener, house painter, or plasterer.
In sum, your children will love the services they render their new country
(or, again, maybe second). After you or your offspring finish mandatory
military service, you will have many perks: proud pictures in uniform;
substantial social-welfare benefits (from housing to education); a great
addition to your CV; and job offers galore. Startups here are always looking
for novel ways to help foreign governments spy on their own citizens; Why
wouldn't they, they have a free testing laboratory right next door? Having
served in the IDF assures that you'll be a big hit with potential
employers/investors.
Look, you earned the right to live here on colonized land. You took it fair
and square by terror. You also blindly supported Israel through donations,
committee/community work, and even deafening silence during the decades-long
subjugation of another people. The world calls it a military occupation but
never mind the world, they are all wrong and also anti-Semitic. So, it's
time to come. You will have great neighbors in nearby illegal settlements.
Plus, if coming from the U.S., you'll see Trump, Ivanka, Jared, Friedman,
Adelson, and others visiting regularly.even if arriving from Moscow. Sure,
Don was voted out of office, but before that, you loved, passively or
otherwise, his unwavering support of Israel.
NB: If you happen to run across Jared on your way here, ask him if he liked
the couscous.
Caveat
When you arrive, be forewarned: not all Jews in Israel will be people you
want to associate with. Some have lost their way. More and more speak out,
sometimes loudly, against the path Israel is on. They dare to oppose the
policies of the only state you can call your own (or, maybe, the second).
Such ingrate citizens! Israel took care of them, educated them, trained
them, and sent them to maintain the peace with the barbaric people next
door. Now they have the audacity to bite the hand that feeds them. Some
malcontents even give talks to teenagers, telling them not to serve in
Israel's vaunted army. Imagine such self-hating Jews! And in Israel no less!
Those recalcitrants also run from the UN to the EU and back again,
complaining that this great nation of yours is violating pesky international
laws created after World War II. That is, post-Nuremberg laws passed too
late to save European Jewry. And much too late to save the victims of
Zionism, folks who insist on calling themselves "Palestinians."
Still, rest assured: Israel's mighty government machine knows how to deal
with traitors, how to persuade misguided youths to wise up. Those who refuse
to join the righteous IDF get imprisoned as draft-dodgers (nearly no
conscientious objectors are permitted). Troublemakers who think the
right-to-assemble will protect them are banned from addressing high school
assemblies. Successive Israeli governments worked too hard propagandizing
students to illegally support "the only Jewish state in the world" to allow
that to happen. As for the sick bastards who expose what Israel is doing in
Gaza, they will surely burn in hell.
But never mind all that. Just hurry up and get here. Claim your rightful
place in the country that commits war crimes every day in your name to hold
your place. If you embark now, you can even vote in the next election.
Whatever you do, though, please don't stay away because of the deluded
dreams of untermenschen calling themselves "Palestinians!"
END OF RANT
Thanks for allowing me to express myself in a way that I know will be hard
for some to swallow and was even harder for me to write, yet one that I
truly hope provides a long-overdue wake-up call. Don't get me wrong. I will
still talk with you at every opportunity and continue to gladly answer all
questions, no matter how many times asked.
We Palestinians, more than anyone else, want you to come here. We need you
too. And hope you will arrive by the thousands and tens of thousands. Only
then will your love affair with The Idea of Israel meet the reality of
Israel.
Finally, despite all you have done to us or has been done in your name, we
cling to our faith that the great religion of Judaism-with its foundational
pillar of social justice-will guide you to equality. That is, Jews being no
better nor worse than others. For that vision, I will fight alongside you
when you arrive and comfort you as you wake up. Which you will do after
facts counter the falsehoods you've been fed. Then the dirty jackboots of
occupation will be taken off our necks. Consigned to the dustbin of history,
those boots will be refashioned into sandals.which we will wear hiking
mountains together. And after the oppressive sands of Zionism wash away, we
will also walk together on beaches.barefoot.
This post first appeared on Medium.
