Then there was the chess club that regularly convened in a hotel lobby
right after their weekly chess tournament. They talked about their
exploits at the chess boards and it amounted to bragging. Every one of
them bragged at being the very best of chess players. Finally the hotel
owner closed down the lobby and would not let the chess players in
anymore. Why? He was sick and tired of listening to chess nuts boasting
in an open foyer.
On 8/3/2016 1:22 PM, Carl Jarvis wrote:
Richard,
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he
receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then
walks out the door.
A stunned patron then asks the waiter, "What was that all about?" The
waiter responded, "That's just the way pandas are," and walked away.
Well, the patron
didn't know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up
"panda" in the dictionary and what he finds explained everything:
"Panda: A large black-and-white
bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves.
An anthropologist is studying a primitive society in the middle of the
jungle when he develops constipation. Finding he has run out of
medicine for that
particular type of dysfunction, he tells the medicine doctor of the
tribe he is studying. The medicine man tells him not to worry; his
people sometimes
suffer from the same malady but they simply chew the leaves of a
particular fern. The anthropologist, figuring that he has nothing to
lose (the fern wasn't
poisonous), decided to try this herbal medicine.
The next morning he bumps into the medicine man, who asks if
everything came out all right. The anthropologist replied that ferns
had, indeed, worked very
well, adding, "With fronds like these, who needs enemas?
I once bought a pair of shoes. One day while wearing them, I fell and
broke my wrist. Some time later while wearing them, I slipped, fell,
and broke my
knee. Those shoes cost me an arm and a leg!
◦ Police were called to a daycare center today where a three-year-old
was resisting a rest.
◦ Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's
all right now.
◦ The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He gained his stature from pi.
◦ The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind
in his work.
◦ Then a lady at the airport backed into the spinning propeller of a
plane—disaster!
◦ To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
◦ When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
◦ The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
◦ A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
◦ When the thief fell in the wet cement and broke both legs, he became
a hardened criminal.
list end
list of 10 items
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
We'll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U. C. L. A.
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard; he did a number on it.
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky ground.
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
A will is a dead giveaway.
Carl Jarvis
On 8/2/16, Richard Driscoll <llocsirdsr@xxxxxxx> wrote:
For Your Information and Guidance.
PUNS FOR EVERYONE!
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he
can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it
dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it
down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on
words.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been
stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off !
