Official 2020 Election Night Drinking Game Rules
You might not want to be sober for this. Or, you might want to start
celebrating early. Either way, play by the rules
Matt Taibbi
Nov 4
Finally, we're here. After four agonizing years of the Trump Show - complete
with boundless wing-nuttery from the White House and nonstop,
migraine-inducing mass media tantrums - it all ends, we hope, tonight. In
life, as in cult sci-fi/adventure thrillers starring Geneva's own
Christopher Lambert, winner takes all:
Unfortunately, there are good reasons to doubt we'll see anyone's head fully
lopped off this evening. The enormous number of mail-in votes, coupled with
a slate of conflicting state rules about when such votes are counted - added
to a high likelihood of unpredictable logistical difficulties associated
with the pandemic - make a delayed conclusion to the Trump-Biden electoral
contest very possible.
Usually, high in-person turnout favors Democrats. This year, because so many
Democrats voted early (and Republicans have been warned away from mail
ballots), the situation will likely be reversed. This means we could very
well have early results that look confusing, maybe even like a wipeout for
Trump, when what we're actually seeing is just in-person votes being counted
faster than mail votes. We also could see opposite scenarios.
Overall, the likelihood is that Joe Biden will win, and comfortably, but the
issue is when that result comes in. Imagine the chaos of the Iowa Democratic
caucus, with all the attendant scarcely-believable explanations coming from
officials and vote-counters, expanded to presidential scale. That's the
horror-movie scenario for this evening.
Because of the fear both sides have about the results, the quantity of media
spin tonight is likely to be, as rule 7 below notes, "unprecedented."
Partisans from both red and blue camps will be prepping audiences for bad
news in ways that deflect blame from their own consultant pals, and also
planting seeds for arguments likely to be made in contested-result
scenarios. Expect Republicans to tell tales of trucks of fake ballots
shipped over the Rio Grande in burlap sacks, while Democrats might counter
with photos of wheelchair-bound minority voters invited to exercise their
democratic covenant at ad-hoc ballot stations re-located to the top of
hundred-foot climbing walls.
Along with my partner in crime from Rolling Stone's Useful Idiots podcast,
Katie Halper (@kthalps), we'll be following the results in a livestream,
along with a few potential surprise guests. As usual, we'll be playing a
drinking game to help us medicate away the pain of having to watch cable
news election coverage. You can follow here, beginning at about 8:00 p.m.
tonight:
Katie Halper @kthalps
You guys... Tomorrow night... @mtaibbi & I will be livestreaming the
elections. Election Night Stream W/ Matt TaibbiEnjoy the videos and music
you love, upload original content, and share it all with friends, family,
and the world on YouTube.youtube.com
November 3rd 2020
6 Retweets81 Likes
DRINKING GAME RULES
The main rule is implied: just start drinking and don't stop for the next
few years.
As for tonight specifically, here goes:
Drink for EVERY MENTION of:
1) "Red mirage";
2) "Blue mirage";
3) "Path to victory" or "route to victory";
4) "Most important election of our lifetime";
5) "Still too close to call";
6) "Shy Trump supporter";
7) "Unprecedented";
8) "Firewall." Double if this is accompanied by an awkward effort by an
anchor to inoffensively characterize the minority voting bloc to which
they're ascribing monolithic voting tendencies;
9) "Neck and neck";
10) "Broward County" or "Miami-Dade";
11) "It could be a big night for (whatever)";
12) "It all comes down to Pennyslvania."
Drink EVERY TIME:
13) A commentator says "(something) is on the ballot tonight," and that
something is not the name of a candidate;
14) John King looks visibly aroused on the way to the Magic Wall;
15) A member of the media uses the word "we" to describe Democratic Party
results;
16) A Republican accuses Democrats of stuffing ballots. Double if the
alleged plot involves use of undocumented immigrants as sham voters;
17) A Democrat mentions voter suppression. Double if this is accompanied by
a warning that this is the "only way" Trump could win;
18) Any commentator suggests Trump will not give up power if he loses;
19) Someone reports the possibility of results-delaying litigation over a
new set of voting irregularities detected today;
20) A commentator reacts to a result by seriously wondering aloud if
Russians are meddling;
21) There is video of Melania Trump looking a little too happy that her
husband is losing;
22) Trump ups the ante on an outrageous lie about his opponents at the 11th
hour, like that Biden has already written an executive order canceling free
enterprise, or has decided to grant American citizenship to everyone in
Bangladesh;
23) Biden says something incomprehensible, dozes off, or forgets whom he's
talking with in a TV appearance;
24) Someone cuts to: shot of boarded-up windows. Double when windows are
actually broken.
25) Someone cries on set as results come in. Or, alternatively, does the
political version of the Bill Simmons fist pump:
DO NOT POLITICS AND DRIVE. Hope no one starts shooting. See you tomorrow,
when - hopefully - this is all over.
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