All:
OOOPS!
R. E. (Dick) Driscoll, Sr.
On 6/26/2015 2:42 PM, Roger Loran Bailey (Redacted sender
rogerbailey81@xxxxxxx for DMARC) wrote:
Okay, the version I heard was funnier in my opinion, so let me repeat it here. I will need to insert a character name in this, so let me call him Carl Jarvis. If you repeat the joke it is customary to insert the name of whomever you are telling it to.
Jimmy Swaggart, Jim Bakker and Carl Jarvis all die and go to heaven. When they get there a disembodied stentorious voice says, "Jimmy Swaggart, step forward."
Jimmy Swaggart steps forward and he is presented with a six-hundred-pound woman with tufts of greasy hair growing not only from her head, but also from her nostrils and other body parts. She is also covered with excrement and she smells horribly. The stentorious voice says, "Jimmy Swaggart, as penance for your sins on Earth you must spend the next thousand years with this woman." And so they go off together.
Then the voice says, "Jim Bakker, step forward." Jim Bakker steps forward and he is presented with an old crone covered in wrinkles and with running sores all over her. She has snot running down her lips and lice can be seen running over her body. The voice says, "Jim Bakker, as penance for your sins on Earth you must live the next thousand years with this woman." And they go off together.
Now, there is only Carl Jarvis waiting and the disembodied stentorious voice says, "Carl Jarvis, step forward." Carl steps forward and is presented with Cindy Crawford and Mary Tyler Moore. The stentorious voice then says stentoriously, "Cindy Crawford and Mary Tyler Moore, as penance for your sins on Earth ...."
On 6/26/2015 12:30 PM, Carl Jarvis wrote:
Dick Dick Dick, okay, so I laughed. But don't look out your front
door. There's a crowd of ugly women who are really pissed at you for
discriminating against them. In fact, old Saint Peter had better lay
low for a while, too.
Carl Jarvis
On 6/26/15, R. E. Driscoll Sr <llocsirdsr@xxxxxxx> wrote:
*Subject:* Ducks
Three golfing partners died in a car wreck and went to heaven.
Upon arrival they discover the most beautiful golf course they have ever
seen. St. Peter tells them that they are all welcome to play the course,
but
he cautions them that there is only one rule: Don’t hit the ducks in your
first three months here.
The men all have blank expressions, and finally one of them asks, “The
ducks?”
“Yes”, St. Peter replies, “There are millions of ducks walking around the
course and if one gets hit, he quacks then the one next to him quacks and
soon they’re all quacking to beat the band and it really breaks the
tranquility. If you hit the ducks, you’ll be punished, otherwise everything
is yours to enjoy.”
Upon entering the course, the men noted that there were indeed large
numbers of ducks everywhere. Within fifteen minutes, one of the guys hit
a duck. Theduck quacked, the one next to it quacked and soon there was a
deafening roarof duck quacks.
St. Peter walked up with an extremely homely woman in tow and asks, “Who
hit the duck?”
The guy who had done it admitted, “I did.”
St. Peter immediately pulled out a pair of handcuffs and cuffed the man’s
right hand to the homely woman’s left hand. “I told you not to hit the
ducks,”, he said. Now you’ll be handcuffed together for eternity.”
The other two men were very cautious not to hit any ducks, but a couple of
weeks later, one of them accidentally did. The quacks were as deafening as
before and within minutes St. Peter walked up with an even uglier woman.
St.Peter cuffed the man’s right hand to the homely woman’s left hand.
“I told you not to hit the ducks,” he said; “Now you’ll be handcuffed
together for eternity.”
The third man was extremely careful. Some days he wouldn’t even move for
fear of even nudging a duck. After three months of this he still hadn’t hit
a duck. St. Peter walked up to the man at the end of the three months and
had with him a knock-out gorgeous woman, the most beautiful woman the man
had ever seen. St. Peter smiled to the man and then, without a word,
handcuffed him to the beautiful woman and walked off.
The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for eternity,
let
out a contented sigh and wondered aloud,
“I wonder what I did to deserve this?”
The woman responds, “I don’t know about you, but I hit a duck.”
---
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